18 April 2019

What she didn't take

Last week, C informed me that the man who she had an affair with had indeed finally decided to leave his wife. Although how true that 'finally' is I don't know because he had decided that twice before already. Anyway, they were now free to be an item. This news resulted in me having a full-on breakdown on the doorstep of her parents' house when I went to return my wedding and engagement rings to her in a fit of drama. She wasn't home and I ended up having a lengthy, tearful breakdown in front of her parents. Ill advised perhaps but I told them my side of the story and told them what I felt C had done to me and how her lies and deception had scarred me forever.

The next day, I had a terse exchange of text messages with C which resulted in me telling her I was planning to change the locks on the house and the if she needed something from the house in the future, she'd just have to ask for access. I am planning to go away for a few days and the thought occurred to me that, if his wife had kicked him out, our house would be a lovely place for the two of them to spend a week together if I wasn't there. C denied that she would ever do something so horrid and disgusting but I no longer know what she finds morally acceptable and when she might be lying. 99% of me believes she really is not that kind of person and that she has more morals than to do something like that. But to protect myself from going crazy with worry about that 1% doubt, the safest course is to assume she is lying. This is a horrible feeling and I hope I won't feel like this forever with the next person I meet. I feel therapy is on the cards!! Anyway, it also helps me to realise that if she ever came back to me to ask for a second chance, it would simply be absolute hell for me to live with the feeling she cannot be trusted at all. So in a way, it helps me to remember: don't pine for her. You will never be able to be with her again. Focus on mourning your relationship and what might have been, don't focus on her. And then move on.

Anyway, C said she'd never do anything like that as it would make her sad, but that she understood where I was coming from. And so, whilst I was at work, she removed all her stuff from the house, in case I wouldn't let her back in to get the rest. Of course I would let her access her stuff but in the throws of a break-up, anything seems possible. She took her clothes, books, CDs, guitars and the PA I gave her years ago as a present. And then, when she left the house, she posted the keys through the letterbox, to show she wouldn't try to get into the house in my absence. Fair enough.

Over the past few days, I have noticed the small things that she didn't take.  And of course I put great meaning to them. She didn't take her Learn Dutch books. I guess that no longer matters to her. She didn't take our album of wedding photos. Does that mean she didn't care about our marriage? She didn't take a copy of the wedding invitations that we still have a few of. Does that mean she didn't care about our marriage? She didn't take any of the joint holiday diaries that we kept over the years. Does she not care about our fabulous trips together?  I'm sure that she will say she didn't feel she had the right to take that stuff because it is as much mine as it is hers. But I have a copy of that wedding album as my parents made it for us. So she can have it. But now, if I give it to her, it will seem I am making some kind of passive aggressive point to her.

She's the one who wanted this relationship to end so I guess it makes sense that she does not feel the need to keep mementos of it around. And I guess I should not keep them around either, at least for a while. But it is difficult not to feel that the things she left behind when she took 'all her stuff' are evidence of how little our relationship meant to her when it got difficult. And how just she let it go when someone else came around, rather than facing the issues and working on them, before giving up.

16 April 2019

The hate I feel is scary...

Fucker used to be my friend. He said he loved me. I said I loved him. When I found out he loved my wife more, I sent him a message. Nothing angry. Just that I was so, so sad about what had happened and that I had loved him so much and that the betrayal by a friend was heartbreaking. I did not get a reply initially but then he accidentally clicked on a smiley face emoji... I replied to him that I found that answer rather inappropriate. He then replied with an apology and said his finger had slipped. He said he wasn't going to get in touch with me but since I asked... (Which I didn't). His message then went on to say how sorry he was for "how things had happened and how it has affected the both of you. Thank you for your friendship. Goodbye".

That made me very angry. Things had not just happened in some kind of passive way. He MADE them happen. He was in love with her for years an did not cut her off. He ASKED if he could kiss her. He CHOSE these things. His passive tone infuriated me and I told him to take responsibility for his actions. They could have been avoided if he had acted. he did not act and implied it wasn't his fault. Needless to say, I got no reply.

The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. The idea that I had lost everything I care for and that the burning pain he had caused was, in his mind, unavoidable, as if he was also a victim of circumstance, made me increasingly angry and I, perhaps ill-advised, left Fucker 2 messages on Facebook. The stupid guy has all his Facebook posts set to Public. That's just asking for trouble. I left a message on his facebook page in which I congratulated him on winning my wife (can't remember exactly). He deleted it and blocked me. Fair enough. I then left a message on his band's page (which he is the admin of) and said something about him seducing my wife. He deleted that message too. Which I expected but I just wanted SOME kind of response from him. I have named him in my personal Facebook posts which only my friends can see. This blog does not have his name anywhere.  And then, on Sunday, I received this message from him:

I see your posts on FaceBook too sometimes. I accept that you want me to suffer. I have hurt you and it is unforgivable. I don't ask for forgiveness or understanding from you. Your rage is righteous and you are right to want me to pay for what I have done. You may not believe this, but it is the truth, I have never been in more pain. There is nothing that you can say or do to increase the pain of facing how much I have betrayed people I love. [Name of wife removed], my children, you, my parents, myself. Everyone important to me knows what I have done because I have told them. You can't hurt me more than I have hurt myself, but you can hurt other people I love. My boys are innocent. One day they will look to find out what happened to make me leave their mum, and they will find the traces you leave for them. As much as I am a terrible person, I am the only father they will ever have and they don't deserve to hurt for me.
My band: [names removed] are innocent. [name removed] has less than a year before [illness] takes away his ability to play anything at all. The band only exists now so that he can continue doing what he loves, we will fold when he finishes.

I accept your hatred and I deserve it. There are other people who don't. Please stop, especially when it comes to my beautiful boys.

Now call me crazy but this made me explode into an absolute ball of fury. And I mean rage like I have never experienced. Rage that would have meant not braking if he had crossed the road in front of my car. Rage that would have meant slashing his tyres or telling his boss about what a cunt he is.
The message to me reads like another attempt to lay the blame elsewhere. In this case, on me, even. Keeping in mind that I haven't actually posted anything public that his boys could find that identifies him in any way. Or that would somehow impact on his band. The section about his own suffering is brazen, but the part where he tries to tell me I am deliberately leaving a trail for them is worse. Them finding out what HE did is somehow my fault? He didn't seem to care much for the effect on his beautiful boys when he actively pursued my wife. Does he really think his kids will go on Facebook in 10 years time to look for the ex-wife of the woman he cheated on their mother with? I mean, Fucker and C will have split up long ago by then. And then using someone's illness in order to guilt trip me?

It just shows that I was wrong to trust him. That he is a disgusting person with no sense of perspective of who the real culprit is here. He accuses me of things that come to HIS mind. It says more about him than it says about me. I would NEVER consider writing to his wife, boss, boys, bandmates, parents, friends etc to tell them what Fucker has done. These people have nothing to do with it. I wrote to HIM. And on this blog. Which doesn't have his name anywhere.

And the worst thing? It makes me feel angry that C would choose to be with someone like that. Not even choose him over me. But in general. How can she be with someone so despicable when she used to claim she hates manipulation and hypocrisy? That she loves him because he carefully thinks about the things he says (as opposed to me). Well if this is his carefully considered thoughts, then he is a terrible person. But right now, she doesn't see it that way. Because she is in love. With this awful, self-obsessed Fucker. Who for years and years (and I mean since I have known him), stayed in an unhappy marriage and didn't have the guts to leave until he found someone else. And I worry that she will get hurt by him. I want to protect her. I want her to see beyond the infatuation. But she can't.

I have never felt such abject hatred for someone. It is scary. I have misjudged his character so badly. How can I ever trust my judgment again?

12 April 2019

You would need a personality transplant...

I'm listening to an audio book about dealing with low self esteem. This chapter is about humans' inate ability to change, grow and adapt in personal relationships. That personal growth and allowing yourself to believe you can grow and change, is vital for a healthy self esteem. About how we say stuff to ourselves that we would never say to others.

When you tell yourself you are unable to grow, you are actively telling yourself you are not worth anymore than what you have today. Imagine if a loved one said that there is no use in ever trying to be better than you are right now. How would that make you feel.

I don't need to imagine that. My wife told me that. She said: "I have changed. I have learned what I want from a partner. It isn't someone like you. You would need a personality transplant to be someone I want to spend my life with." And when I asked her why she never told me what she needed, she said  "I just didn't think you could change, so I never felt there was a point in asking you to. Or mentioning that I needed something else from a partner".

Since we split up, she has radically changed how she lives, behaves and interacts with friends. She says she has learned so much from me. That being with me has helped her change and grow and become a different person. Change was fine for her, but she judged me incapable of doing so.
Change and growth is an inate part of being human. My wife, the woman I love and trusted with my heart and soul, basically told me that I lack basic human skills.
And yet she claimed I was the one patronising her.

C talks to friends about what happened. But she doesn't share as much as I do. So nobody says: Christ C, that is a harsh thing to say to someone you claim to love and respect.  Because she doesn't tell anyone that's the kind of stuff she said. She just tells them she changed and I didn't change with her. That we grew apart. And people are understanding of that. So her own narrative is constantly reinforced.

God I miss her. And I hate myself for that. She has treated me appallingly. What kind of person would miss someone like that? A person with no self esteem. A person like me.

The effect of Fuck You

Earlier this week, C and I exchanged a series of emails in which I asked her questions about our relationship. I wanted to know what lead to her falling in love with Fucker. She explained that in the 7 years we have been together, she changed from a puppy into an independent woman, with help from me. We met when she was 24, still living with her parents, very few friends. She now has a successful career and a lot of friends. That she found friends who were more like her than I am. But that our dynamic, as far as she was concerned, remained one of inequality with her feeling I patronised her. I took all the responsibility for running the household. Paying bills, checking bank accounts, renewing insurance, cleaning etc. To the point where we eventually had to set specific tasks for each other in the home or else she just did not see they needed to be done. according to C, this dynamic never changed and as she became more independent, she started to feel I thought she was stupid. However, she never changed her behaviour. She never said: Hey, sit me down and explain when we renew our insurance, when we re-mortgage, where do i find that info etc. I always had to say: We need to get new insurance, can you investigate it. So although she may have done some of the work, I did always have to carry the mental load of reminding her or asking her first. C feels that she was unable to escape this dynamic. Don't get me wrong, I am not denying that I at times had become annoyed at this dynamic. And that I had indeed come to see it as my responsibility and came to see C as presumably less able to see the bigger picture in things.

Another thing that annoyed her was that I gave unsolicited advice about work situations. At the start of our relationship, this advice was welcome. As she became more confident, it was not. My advice was always different from what she would do. So she started speaking to friends (she means Fucker) who would give her advice she agreed with, or no advice at all. It took me a long time but I did stop giving her advice. But apparently she did not notice it because I had to point this out to her and she said: Oh yes, I guess you did.

As time went on, she surrounded herself with people who were more like herself. Like the person she had become. The person she had CHANGED into. Grown into. Which ended up making me the odd one out.

In the end, her conclusion was that I would need a personality transplant (her words!!) in order for me to be the kind of person she would want to be with. And she did no think it was possible for me to change. Not that she asked or anything. She let things happen, took no action. I asked why she did not cut Fucker off when she had feelings for him, all those months back. She said she didn't want to. Instead, she said she tried harder to be closer to me. But she didn't actually tell me. And she said she didn't try very hard, actually. She just tried in her mind, for a bit.

She said she is keeping herself busy every evening these days. To avoid going crazy. You see, Fucker is apparently not in touch with her as he is trying to save his marriage for 3 months (weird to have a deadline for that, right?). C did not want to do the same with me she said. She just wants to wait for Fucker to see if he comes back to her. And even if he doesn't, I am just not the kid of person she wants to spend her life with, she said. One of the things she has been doing is strengthening friendships and making new ones. She said she was meeting up with a girl she had met once at a gig and thought: Fuck it, you are fun, I'm going to make a new friend. That is so unlike C that I said: You have had a personality transplant since you left me. She didn't get the sarcasm in that and replied: Hahah, yes, I am giving myself one.

And at that point, a hot, sharp wave of anger rolled over me. Considering that she said I'd need a personality transplant to be someone she'd want to be with. Considering that she felt I would not be able to make any changes to myself or my behaviour. She was giving herself the opportunity to change, yet did not give me the courtesy of having the opportunity to do the same. Her incredible naivety about kindness and compassion. Her inability to be both honest and compassionate.

I replied that that was incredibly hurtful and rich, coming from her. That it seemed she was going to end up the winner after all this: New friends, new freedom, a new-found sense of independent, learned loads from me about how to be organised in your life, tight-knit community of music friends and, if Fucker means what he said (apparently she loves him because unlike me, he only says things when he really means them *ahem*), she will get a Fat Fucker boyfriend at the end of it all.

Whilst I am on anti-depressants, crying daily, lonely, wondering why I wasn't good enough, destroyed self-esteem, losing my house, my future, my marriage, my wife.

I told her Fuck You.

And since then, I have not heard from her.

For about a day, that felt good. Let her sweat. She wanted to be friends at the end of all this because she 'respects' me. To me, it feels like what she wanted was all the good bits from me: the fun, friendly, exciting, compassionate parts of me. But not the difficult bits about relationships. I am not going to give that to her.
But now it is day 3 and I KNOW that unless i get in touch with her, I will never hear from her again. She's not actually sweating at all. You see, she's good at making a decision and sticking with it, even if she later thinks it is the wrong one. Because the idea of admitting she was wrong is worse than living with the consequences of the decision. So I doubt she is sweating about not seeing me. She's too busy pining for Fucker. The man who promised her he'd leave his wife for her, but then said: I have to try one more time. The man who only speaks when he has carefully thought things through....

She is not thinking about me. Why would she. She's made her decision. She is the only person she talks to about this. She doesn't share like I do with others. So of course people say to her that they understand why she is making these choices. They only hear: I am in love with someone else, I cheated on my wife but that was because we became different people in our relationship. And on the face of it, you can't really argue with that.

This blog post isn't really going anywhere. I'm sorry if you read this far. The point is, on top of all of it, it now also feels like I am the one who is inflicting pain on myself. I *could* be in touch. But it is my OWN choice not to be. But it isn't hurting HER. She's not thinking about me all the time. I'm thinking about her all the time. Maybe even more so now. Because now I'm afraid that I'll never see her again. But surely I shouldn't WANT to see someone who has treated me with such contempt, whilst pretending she has respect for me. Surely I'm better off without her? I tell myself all that. I deserve love and honesty. C even told me: You DO deserve love and honesty. But if that is true, than why am I crying for a woman who has shown a most evil side of herself to someone she claimed to once have loved? Have I no self-respect?

Apparently not.

07 April 2019

Revenge is all consuming

I pride myself on not being a spiteful person. Yes I am angry at C for having an affair. I am more angry at her for the complicated, calculated web of lies she has spun around the affair. But I am most angry that she did not value our relationship enough to break off her contact with him when they were still 'just' friends with feelings for each other. To me, that was the moment she chose him over me. Everyone I speak to about what has happened says the same thing: That she has acted stupidly, is clearly infatuated with him, that she believes, like a teenager, that he is all she needs in life and that I am clearly not at all what she needs.

Of course I am not the right person to ask her:

- Does he like camping and seeing new places like we used to do (or did not actually not really like that at all?)
- Does he like gong to random museums (like the Bakelite museum we kept planning to visit)
- Does he spontaneously say: let's drive for 3 hours in the hope we catch the Northern Lights 9or did you secretly hate that about me?)
- Does he like going to the theatre with you and watch random comedy?
- Does he watch Fleabag or Crazy Ex-Girlfriend with you on the sofa and scream out laughing at it? (Or did you mean it when you said: you and I just don't have the same sense of humour)

Today has been a difficult day. I woke up consumed with anger for him. You see, he is getting away more or less scot free. In the music scene, he is seen as this lovable, deeply sensitive teddy bear of a man who absolutely loves making music and adores every one of his friends. He has been in love with C for a few years. He even said so to a couple of his friends, who sort of assumed he meant love as a friend. During this time, he befriended me, too. Sending me messages after gigs, thanking me for coming. Hugging me, telling me I was a beautiful human being and a blessing to be in his life. All the while, he was in love with my wife and she had by then also told him she had feelings for him. Did he pull back? Did he think: I am married, I have 2 kids, this woman is married? No. He befriended me more. He got closer to her. Of course she, too, should have cut him off but this angry post is about him.

He asked her if he could kiss her. He made the first proper move. HE decided he could no longer control himself. They both came up with the story that his wife did not want him to be in touch with C, when in fact, he was going to try and cut her off. So he was clearly happy to bad mouth his wife and make her look like a jealous bitch. He lasted only a couple of days before coming back to C and resuming their affair. He promised her he would leave his wife for C. And then he didn't. Yet one of the reasons C says she loves him is because, unlike me, he carefully considers what he says and only speaks when he knows exactly what he wants to say. Riiiiight.

Anyway...They both decided they would pretend to try relationship therapy with their respective partners and then they would both say: We tried, it isn't working out. That was their idea of letting people down gently. This plan shows how incredibly stupid and immature C was being. You see, we had agreed to move to Sheffield. I had accepted a job there, the house had been sold subject to contract. I later asked C what her plan was. Would she have moved to Sheffield and then broken up with me, leaving me all alone? Was she going to pull the plug on the house sale? She said: I don't know, I didn't think about it. Lucky for her then that I had panic attacks and pulled the house off the market. (I didn't know about the affair at this point). So once again in all this: she had no plan, other than to get out of the marriage so she could pursue her obsession with him. Once again, she was hoping other people would take responsibility for what was gong wrong in her life.

So after the affair came out, C instantly said: I AM leaving you. I love him. I want to be with him. He on the other hand said: I must try once more with my wife. I have kids with her and I need to see if there is anything I can save in this marriage. So he cut off contact with C for the next 3 months. Apparently. So, when all this is over, he will come out the winner. He will leave a marriage that has been dead for years and the affair will have given him the kick up the arse he needed. I will be left with a destroyed life, marriage and no self-esteem or trust in people. And C will most likely end up alone as well with no house, no marriage and a whole lot of people who are disappointed in her. At least C is telling people: I cheated on my wife and I lied to her and I want to become a better person. He has not told anyone, apart from his wife and a couple of close friends. So whilst I will look like the broken wife who can no longer go to the music events where he or C will be, he gets to remain the lovable teddy bear that everyone loves. And people will think: oh shame M and C broke up, but how sweet to see C and him together now.

And that stings. I am spending a lot of time today thinking of how I can possibly humiliate him in a way that leave me with my dignity intact. I don't want to make a big scene. I don't want to slash his tyres or draw dicks on his car. But I want to face him. I want him to feel shame. I want him to realise what an absolute disappointment of a man he is. Today, I am getting chills and anxiety attacks just from trying to control the anger I feel. I might slap him in the face with a sharp object.

Sometimes, impotent anger is all I have left. It isn't pretty but I guess it is all part of the process.

05 April 2019

Death or Divorce?

Which is worse? Losing someone through dying or losing someone through lying, cheating and adultery? Both require grieving. Having experienced both now, I can honestly say that for me, losing my wife to cancer was much, much easier than losing my wife to a fat, sweaty man with a wife, two children and a midlife crisis. It will have much further reaching consequences for my future. The WHY part of this is unbearable. There was no WHY part when Jane died. No "If only I could make her see how great I am and she'll come back to me". Death is logical. I can deal with death. This, I can't deal with. I don't know how.

When Jane died, I spoke to many widows who were offended by divorced women saying they understood the loss they were feeling. Surely being a widow is much worse? At least you can still see the person you have lost. You can see them alive and building a new life, even if it is not with you. I never agreed with that view point and was eventually kicked off a few messageboards for taking that position.

Because for me, there is NOTHING worse than seeing your loss every day. I could see her if I wanted to. Or at least I could ask to see her. And then she will either say yes, at which point I will meet up with her and just want to smell her hair, or she will say no, at which point I will crumble into a heap in the floor whilst wondering what I have done for her to so abruptly stop loving me. Why is it so easy for her? (Presumably because she is busy pining for Fat Fucker who is apparently pretending to fix his marriage before finally leaving his wife).

When Jane died, people encouraged me to talk about her as much as I wanted. It was OK to visit friends and spend the whole time talking about how wonderful Jane was. How I would miss her forever, going over memories. Nobody said straight after her death: She's gone. You need to let go and focus on your future. But this time, that is what it feels like. I am grieving for my wife. She lied and cheated and then from one day to the next, her love was gone. I am left with so many questions I want to ask her. But the general advice for getting over a breakup: break off all contact, delete photos, don't see mutual friends. That is NOTHING like a loss through death, when indulging in memories is actively encouraged. Of course I know I should not want her back. I can never trust her again. I don't even believe her when she says she still wants to be friends. It may be true. It may not. How would I know. And so it feels illogical to be grieving for someone who has caused so much pain and suffering.

And this is where, for me, this is harder. I love someone who has caused immense pain and damage. How can I still want to be around her? How can I still want to smell her hair and touch her skin? How can I still feel I want to grow old with her and that I will forgive her if only she would come back to me? I should have more self respect. And although people around me are supportive, there is certainly an underlying feeling of: She's not worth your tears. Which she isn't. But still... I miss her. Apparently the best way to show someone who has cheated on you that they were stupid, is by demonstrating how strong you are and not showing them how I spent nights crying in bed, hyperventilating with grief, skin tingling, eye lids twitching. And whilst that is happening, a voice in my brain says: stop it, she's not worth it, Have more self respect.

And that certainly did not happen when Jane died. The confusing mixture of feeling the heavy grief of a loss, just like death. Loss of happiness. Loss of your partner. Loss of your future. Loss of your plans. Loss of security. Loss of belonging. Loss of touch and love. Whilst at the same time having to tell myself that I shouldn't grieve so hard for someone who hurt me so much. I cannot make those two extremes meet up in the middle. This hurts more. Because this has not just damaged my life. It has damaged a fundamental part of ME. It has made me feel more weak, more pathetic: Don't cry over her. She's been a bitch. You deserve better. Well, if I grieve for the loss of her, then surely that must mean I don't think I deserve better...

God I am so confused.

01 April 2019

If you fight yourself, you'll always lose

I drove around Loch Lomond today. Whilst in the car, I listened to this new podcast I discovered: The Life Coach School with Brooke Castillo.
Now I am not a big believer in self-help stuff and "Life hacking" as the young kids call it. But I am determined to make positive changes in my life following the car crash that my marriage has suddenly become after my wife said she had been unfaithful, wanted to be with this guy and didn't love me anymore.
I want to be a better person. Mostly to myself. People keep telling me that I am extremely hard on myself. I'm not used to being any other way but if everyone is telling me I could have an easier life, then I'm ready to listen.
The way I am hard on myself is mostly reflected in me thinking I am probably a selfish, calculating person, every time I put my own needs first. For example. I wanted to stay in the house after wife dropped the bombshell. Wife would have to move in with her parents in a very small, cold and cramped attic, in a house that is not the cleanest. I on the other hand could have an ensuite room at a friend's house where I'd be quite comfortable. So now that I knew Wife would be uncomfortable if I stayed in the house, I felt that I would be DELIBERATELY making her uncomfortable if I demanded to stay in the house. Which makes me a spiteful person, right?  And if you think that I have every right to stay in the house after what she did to me and to our relationship, let me give you a different example.
When I sent Wife flowers at work, I'd send them on a day that I knew other people would see it. So that not only would Wife be happy and feel loved, other people would also see how awesome I was. In my mind, the fact that I was even aware of that second benefit completely wipes out the goodwill of sending flowers. And it shows I am a calculating, self-centred narcissist.
I KNOW that is bullshit of course. Or rather, Wife has told me over and over again that I am a wonderful person. And that almost everybody has such thoughts. But that other people simply are able to dismiss them or accept that every act of kindness may also have personal benefits.
I want to stop being that person. Because it also means I can never do ANYTHING for my own benefit if it has even the remotest negative effect on others.
So I was listening to the podcast in the car and it came up with a, for me, revolutionary thought process.
Our emotions are caused by thoughts. What we think a out something determines how we feel about it. That means if you change the thoughts you can change the emotions you are feeling at that moment! Sounds simple, right?
Thoughts cause emotions. Emotions cause actions. Actions have results.  So if I want to change how I am feeling right now, I need to change what I am thinking. Writing this down makes it look so obvious. But it felt like a revelation. As I sat crying on the shores of Loch Lomond, I thought about how I would never share this with Wife and how much she would love seeing this. I felt overwhelmingly sad and lonely. Then I remembered my new lesson. It is not that I thought of something else, but I reframed my thought. I thought: when I have a new partner, I'll take her up here and show her how beautiful it is. And fuck me, it worked! I wasn't instantly happy, but I did I feel a lot less sad.
The presenter used this example. A woman said she wanted to lose weight. The planned gym sessions, made time, left work early, took gym clothes but always backed out. She could not get herself to go to the gym, even though she kept telling herself she wanted to. This made her full of self loathing. When she examined the thought behind the emotion, she realised that although she wanted to lose weight, she didn't think anything would really make a difference, so what was the point. She what's happened here? She judged herself in her (in)action when, in determining the actual underlying thought, the inaction made perfect sense.
So that's my new aim when I get back home: be a lot more aware of my thoughts when I am feeling an emotion. Don't think just of the feeling and emotion I'm having, but try to get to the thought behind it. Because if you want to stop feeling a particular emotion, you first need to figure out what the thought behind the emotion is. Otherwise you are basically fighting against your own emotions. Which means you are fighting yourself. And when you fight yourself, you will always end up the loser.


I'm very good at grieving. I did it once before and I am pretty proud of how I coped. The end of the relationship you thought was going to be the last one you'd ever have is a grieving process. But how do you grieve for someone who isn't dead? How to mourn the loss of someone who is only a text message away?
I have spent days reading about how to get over a breakup. And the advice is the same everywhere: cut them off completely. No social media. Don't socialise with their friends. Don't go to places you went together. Keep busy.
The difference between death and a breakup is that death is inevitable. No matter how much you want to, you can't talk to the person. You can't see how they are moving on whilst you are stuck with all the rubble of your self esteem. But now, I could contact her. Just reach out and get a small plaster on the enormous wound. Even for a few seconds or minutes. To know she is ok. But also to find out she has been keeping busy. Busy waiting for him to be with her. She has hope. She feels liberated by her choices.
Whilst I'm trapped in the loneliness.
I went to Scotland for a few days to clear my head a bit. But here, in a coffeeshop on the shores of Loch Lomond, I feel the fear for the future. The darkness of the loneliness. We would have visited this place together some day perhaps. Sightseeing together. Will he bring her that? Will she be happy with just making music and talking about life with him? Why was this not enough for her?
She said she likes someone who can sit in silence and just contemplate things for a long time. Turns out I can do that. I've not spoken to anyone for hours. I've sat on the shores and stared across the Loch.
I am the kind of person who gets joy from sharing experiences. I keep wanting to look to my side and see her and tell her: isn't this beautiful.
The difference between death and a breakup? Death is what it is. A breakup may not have to be that way. That difference is huge. It is the difference between moving on or hanging on. Am have a massive hot chocolate in front of me. I'm alone in a cafe.
I feel sick.

31 March 2019

Words about him

Me: So you have been writing and publicly performing songs about him and the state of our marriage for the last 6 months?
Her: Yes
I am such a mug. Some of those songs are my favourite songs. And she assured me they were just songs, not about anything or anyone.
The songs are on a loop in my head. I can't stop it. When I'm watching TV. When I'm alone. When I'm reading. When I'm talking to other people. Dissecting the lyrics about love and longing. Words that used to be about me are now words about him. The arrogance of hiding in plain sight.
They have no idea of the damage they've done.


I'm in bed in Motherwell, Scotland. I needed to get away from the house and friends up here said I should drop by. So I thought: fuck it, why not. A mere 6 hour drive if you go at 85mph. It doesn't matter that I've barely spoken to these guys in 3 years. I'm incredibly grateful.
Thoughts racing around again today. Everyone I talk to people about what has happened and how I am trying to understand her motivations, people tell me I am too kind. But what's the point of holding on to anger? I'm not saying I'm not angry at her. I have been angry and rude in the past week. I think I'm allowed.
She says she is trying to give me nothing but honesty now that things are out in the open. But it seems there is a lot to learn about being honest and compassionate at the same time. She tells me how she has appointments for mortgages. Not to get one right away, but just to see what's possible in the future. She doesn't understand how much that hurts. I don't need to know that.
She keeps saying that she will give me space and do whatever I need. Problem is that I don't know what I need. I need calm. I need to stay in the house. I need my wife to stop being besotted with a fat, ugly, treacherous man who called himself my friend. I need my wife to come back down to earth and realise the whole thing is doomed and utterly ridiculous. In the past week, the first since I found out about the affair, I have stayed at a friend's house, I've stayed alone in the house with her at her parents, I've slept in my car (don't ask), slept in our bed whilst she slept in the spare room and I finally told her to leave. 
I have been trying to sort things out in a way that is least disruptive for her. Because I love her. But I have realised that that is not what is good for me. I need space and time to not know what I need.
What I need is for things to stand still. For nothing to change. For a few weeks. No viewers for the house. No planning for the future. Just things to calm down. She says she needs to plan her future. I say she needs to understand that she has been planning for months to leave me. She's had that time to wrap her head around it.