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My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

24 November 2003

Money Money Money

I know to most people, it makes no difference but it does to me. For years and years I have struggled with money. Not because I did not have any, but because I knew no limit in spending it. Not even on expensive things like CDs, DVDs, books or stuff like that. No. It just disappeared. I never got into major trouble or massive debt (if you don't count a 14.000 euro student loan) but just chronically overdrawn. I would get my salary and it would be just enough to cover my overdraft so it would always be gone again by the time the rent, phonebill and insurance premiums were paid. Not very encouraging.

But since about a year, I have started to get my life in order. I take my Ritalin more or less regular, I try to be organised and I have learned some tricks to control myself when in a shop (Do I really need allthose 5 computer magazines? Isn't 1 enough? You can always buy anothe rone after you finish this one. And usually it woudl turn out I did not need to buy the other ones because it was a simple impulse to want to buy all 5 of them).

And this month, without me knowing or realising it, something very strange has happened. I needed to pay for new contactlenses and for a dentist treatment. All together some 500 euro. So I was annoyed because I would be overdrawn again. But something strange has happened: I have paid the dentist, I have paid for my contacts and I am overdrawn by only 30 euro. And my salary is about to come in any day now. How did that happen? Does that mean that if I had not paid for those two massive expenditures, I would have saved 500 euro?

It is a small thing for most people, but I am sitting here, and I counted, and counted, and counted. And no matter how much I count, add up, subtract and divide, and there is no way I can end up like this. Unless I have indeed made a huge step forward in controlling my finances. It sounds stupid, but it almost makes me emotional. I am 28 and for the first time I am NOT simply paying off my complete overdraft with my salary. What is happening?

Last week my ADHD-shrink (you have to see them or you don't get your Ritalin) siad that she has seen me change in the past year.She says she has seenme grow more confident, that she has seen me more in control, that she has seen how I learned to accept that I too can be happy, that happiness is for me aswell. And then she said it: "I can see how you have grown to accept your love for Jane".

That is it. If I look at how I have changed, how I have learned to control my impulsive buying for example. They are all tips I learned from Jane. And she is the one who made me feel like I was not a failure when I DID make an impulse buy. She is the one who likes me when I am not on my Ritalin. She likes me when I am on my Ritalin. She is the one who calms me down when I get hyperactive. But not by saying: Geez, you are loud today. No. She puts her hand on my arm and says: It's OK sweetie, you can relax.

Usually I would end this post with [/soppy git]. Just a bit of self depricating humour, downplaying the importance of what I just wrote. But I don't want to downplay it. I couldn't if I tried.

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