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Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

Astrocytoma

About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

04 December 2003

My choice?

When I chose to leave my job, some weeks ago, I had not set a definate date yet. I finally did that last week. I am not communicating it since it is not important to other people yet. Only for me and Jane it helps knowing a definate date.

Maybe you know the feeling: oncde in your life you want to do something great, something that makes other peopel think: Wow, that is really courageous. And to me, it is quitting my job and moving to another country to start a new life. I would be giving up a promising carreer in journalism because I don't see much chance of me working for the BBC for a few years yet. So this was my equivalent of Running the London Marathon once in your life. Or climbing Mount Everest. You know the feeling.

And now, the place where I work will quite possibly go bellyup. And I am devastated. not only because it saddens me, but also because I feel stripped of my choices. It feels like I am halfway along the marathon and somebody has just told me: we have shortened the marathon to some 21 kilomeres because people were finding it too hard to run. Does that make sense? Now that I will quite possibly be without a job in a few months anyway (assuming we will indeed go bankrupt), it feels like it takes away from the momentum of my choice to leave my job. After all, I would be without a job anyway so what better time to make this step? It makes sense. I know it makes no difference to the choices I am makking. I am still moving. But somehow it feels like I am not running the Marathon, or climbing Everest. Somehow now it feels like I am doing a practice run. It doesn't feeel so BIG anymore. In a very strange and childish way I feel cheated out of the Grandeur of my choices. Does that make sense?

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