Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

Astrocytoma

About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

30 December 2003

Drunken sex

How are we ever going to have drunken sex I wonder. Jane has not even finished her 1st glass of red wine and I am already on my 4th. Excuse me while I go and pour some alcohol down the throat of my lover.

Update: We decided to watch Private Benjamin with Goldie Hawn instead. I believe there is indeed something called Lesbian Bed Death.* Or rather, Lesbian Sofa Death would be more appropriate tonight. Or any other night. There is something about my sofa. Because between sitting on the sofa and ending up in bed, it always goes from "Lets have sex" via "Let's watch that movie!" to "Yawn, I am tired, let's go to sleep."

Should I be worried that we are now on an average of only once a day? Maybe we need therapy before it all goes from bad to worse. Will sleep on it........again.



* And you thought I just made that term up didn't you? Go on! Admit it!
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27 December 2003

ADHD

Stupid Evil Bastard has a very interesting piece about living with ADHD/ADD. It is called ADD and life with constant medication.. His situation is not exactly like mine. However, it is very similar with regards to the way I feel about medication.

LIke him, I lived most part of my life without medication and I did reasonably well. I now take Ritalin, be it slightly irregular since I usually don't take it during weekends and holidays, and it is sometimes hard to tell what it does for me. I can sometimes say that I don't feel the differenc but then other people will tell me. Andon days where I feel like i am perfectly normal, Jane will ask me: Did you take your Ritalin today? Others notice it more than I do.

Which brings us to the question: Should I take it for me or for others aswell? When I am so loud and unconcentrated that it bugs others (for example, after a day of hard work when they are tired too), should I take my meds because MY behaviour makes it hard for others?

Oops, being unstructured again.

I'm not fond of the idea of having to take this pill every day just so I can focus my attention a little better. It's too much like relying on a crutch when I should be able to just do what needs to be done, but [...] I can't deny that it is a big help.

Indeed. That is exactly how I feel. How come other people can say things better than I can?
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Never give up your passion

A Japanese Personality Test.
Based on your opinion about certain animals, it tells you what kind of personality traits you value most. Not sure it is all correct but in the end, it said that the thing I would give up last of everything, is My Passion. I think that is true. It also said the thing I value least, out of Friendship, Basic Needs, Passion, Pride and Children, is Children. Well, I don't have any kids yet so maybe that is why. It is a fun test. And, as I said, true as far as passion goes. Because life would not be worth living if you lose your passion. It is what keeps us going, keeps us looking for the thing that lies beyond the horizon.
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Ready Steady Go

So the date is now set. 1 April 2004 I should be on a plane (or a boat) to England to start a enw life. God I am scared to death. Especially since I have no saving whatsoever. I will be SO poor the first few months. Not sure if I can do it. But one can only try.
I am making a big calendar/planner thing for on the wall. That way I can see what I have to do and when I have to do it. Visualise things. See the people at the British Embassy, quit my job, find a place to live in Leamington Spa (If you know someone or something????!!!!) find a job there. And build myself a new life.

I am scared. But at Christmas dinner I told the whole family that it will be 1 April. So I can't go back now without looking like a twit. But that is OK. Ik makes me more motivated to go through with this.

I have always wanted to live abroad. But I never dared. Jane and I have been together for a year now. I would think that is a good enough reason to combine my urge to live with her and my wish to live abroad.
THe first day of the rest of my life starts today. Let's have a shower and go out to buy myself that planner/calendar and fill it out (or do you fill it IN?)
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26 December 2003

Laugh at George

Funny George W. Bush pictures.


Properly photoshopped this time. Usually people just chuck the head of Georgy Porgy on there and think they are funny. There are some really poignant pictures in there. I like this one about the Insanity in the family as The Disease nobody talks about!!

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And after all

Number of versions of "A Christmas Carol" this Christmas: 4 (including Blackadder's....)
Number of turkeys eaten this year: 0 (thank God)
Number of family members at the party yesterday: 25
number of grandfathers lost this year: 2
Number of crying nans yesterday: 1

How different people deal with grief. Cool Nan (My mother's mother and still very Cool) cried when my dad remembered how we lost 2 grandfathers this year. Hip Nan (my father's mother, had a hip-replacement, hence the name) just sat there babbling. She did not even notice how I tried to grab her hand. Did not need it it seems. Well bugger to that. Hip Nan does not like it that her only son, my father, does not visitor as much as her two daughters. And me and my sister don't visit her enough either. Doesn't matter that we have to work.

When grandfathers die, there are two ways nans can go:
1) They mourn and cry for a while and pick their life up again and make the most of it.
2) They sit in a chair all day and say how lonely they are and how the world seems to forget about them.

I have a nan going either way. I should avoid having favorites. Because it is unfair. After all, they are both a product of their upbringing and their marriage. But somehow, I can not hide my irritation when Hip Nan says: "I was expecting you to come and visit but you haven't." And yet at the same time she has not asked ONCE about my job, even though the probable bankruptcy of the place I work is national news. Like the world revolves around just one person. And the sad thing is: She knows that the world is not revolving around her. And she is trying to hold on to it, she is trying to make the world revolve around her by making us feel guilty. "What are you doing at New Year's Eve Nan?" "Oh, I don't know. I will see what happens." "You can come to us if you like." "Oh well, I don't know. I will see what X (dad's sister who lives close to nan) does.Maybe I can go to her." Giving us the impression that only if nobody else invites her, she will come to us. Fine. Then don't. If you have a grudge with your son not coming over often enough, then say so, don't play the guilt-card.

Hmmm....mayne I should take this post down again after a few days. Or maybe sooner yet. Because I don't dislike Hip Nan. She is still my nan. This has become a completely differnt post than the one I had inmind. This is what happens if you let your fingers run away with your thoughts: dribble.



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25 December 2003

Ho ho ho

Off to my parents. Why is it that people can never avoid spending Christmas with their family. I don't really mind actually. This year was a hard one. I lost both my grandfathers within 4 month. Today both sides of the family will be there. It will be hard to see both nans without granddads. It will be difficult for them, not so much for us. I feel sorry for them. So if there ever was a reason to be with my family over Christmas, it is now. So I will squeeze myself into thatpair of tight trousers,put on that pair of highly uncomfortable shoes and wear that blouse that is way too cold for this time of year.

All for the good cause.
Merry Christmas everybody.
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24 December 2003

It will be lonely this Christmas...

Most people with a long distance relationship try to be together at Christmas. Not Jane and me. Jane has gone to her parents for Christmas. And I am still here. Jane will be back on 27 December. So we will be apart. And the house is cold. And lonely.

Interesting how quickly you can get used to someone benig around you all the time. I live in a very small student flat. I have 2 rooms and share my bathroom and kitchen with my flatmates. So I thought after being together for about a month: yay, some more space. But after I came back frmo the airport yesterday, I thought the bed was too big and my sofa too empty. And I had only been alone for 4 hours by then.

I am pathetic. I am turning in to everything I always said I would never be: a sad, pathetic love-struck almost 30-something who clings to her lover. Ugh. The positive thing is that Jane fears she clings to me too much and I fear I cling to her too much. And neither of us is bothered by the clingy-ness of the other. So that is not really a problem........
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Some of these I know..........

Swiss, Swedish, Danish or Dutch? I get most of the answers right but for you other folks out there this might be a smidge difficult.

via:Sneeuwblind
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23 December 2003

Customer Service

The scene: Tuesday morning, 5:49am. Train station, ready to get on a train to take Jane to the Airport.
What happened: Bloke comes out with a pile of fresh newspapers.They are free newspapers so you can just take one if you want to scan the main news. I reach out for a paper. The man doesn't look up and says: 'That is yesterday's, but if you want it, go ahead.'

I say thanks mateand wait for himto unpack his first pile of today's paper. 5:50 and the train leaves at 5:51. I ask the man if I can get a new one from the pile he has in his hands. He does not answer, lifts a pile a fresh papers and puts it in the rack. I lean forward to pick one up but the man pushes me away. He unties the rope around the pile. 5:50:30. 30 seconds and the trainleaves. The man does not look up. I ask him for a paper, after all, he has unloaded half of them into the rack so what is his trouble in handing me one. He does not look up and says: 'You can get it somewhere else. I am still busy here.' I tell him my train is about to leave. He shrugs and says: 'Not my problem.' I fume and push him aside and grab a paper and run for the train.

Some people deserve to be without a job. Others don't. I will laugh if that man ever loses hos job. What a fucking arsehole. How hard is it to simply be polite? After all, it is a free paper so he does not have to do ANYTHING, not take money from me, nothing. All he had to do was step aside so that I could take one and run for the train.

I suppose the man is an insect during the rest of his day; trampled on by other people; by his wife; by his children. No respect for this man because all he does is unpack free papers in the morning. So I suppose the only joy this low-life has in life is pissing travellers off; people who actually have a real job. Unlike this low insect not even worth to be stepped on with my expensive Salomon-boots.

Sorry. Am I being vindictive? Me? Never.

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Bush in 30 seconds

Political ads always bothered you? Well, have a look at the ads at Bush in 30 Seconds.

In a quest for more original ads, people are invited to make their own 30-second ad about Bush. You can vote for 20 ads a day and pick the ones you like best. The best ads will be aired on TV during the election campaign next year. Great fun for the whole family. Some really good work.
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21 December 2003

Gobsmacked

No other word for it. Watching Louis Theroux and the Nazis on the BBC. 11-year old girls with their hand in the air giving a nazi-salute. Playing a computer game called Ethnic Cleansing where a skinhead kills blacks in a ghetto.

I want to say lots moer about this. But there is nothing in my head. This is the kind of show that you watch and when the credits roll, you sit back and wonder if you actualy really saw that. Are there really people who are that blind and stupid?

I can not put it better than the Radio Times:

There is so much that's poisonous and disturbing in these 90 minutes, it's hard to know where to start. Perhaps with two sweet, blonde 11-year-old girls, Lamb and Lynx, who enjoy playing a game called Ethnic Cleansing on their computer and dancing around a swastika drawn on their kitchen floor. The girls are stars on the neo-Nazi circuit because of their singing act, with songs extolling racial wars and hatred.

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Bald

it is done. It is bald. The christmas tree now has NO needles left. As you havde read earlier, Jane hoovered our tree because it was shedding its needles. This morning I got so annoyed with having to shake the needles out of my underpants, that I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and hoovered up ALL the needles. We now have a Minimalistic Japanese Art Tree. No more is it a Christmas Tree. I have left the lights and the Chrismas Angel in the tree and I will leave the tree until after Christmas.

More than ever, I see the need for a digital camera. I wish I could show you all what it looks like. It is great.
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19 December 2003

What the hell

I came to the conclusion that it falls into the category of mildly addictive. Just like bubblewrap. You know that feeling when you receive something through the post in a jiffy-bag and you couldn't give a toss what's actually IN the bag. All you want is to rip the thing apart and molest the bubblewrap. Or is that just me? Well that is what its like. After trying it I just couldn't stop and within half an hour I realised that I would just continue until the hoover packed in or until every single spine had been sucked away to the great Christmas tree in the sky. So with huge amounts of will power I put the vacuum cleaner away and did something else.

Oh my lord. I just read on A Spot of Blog that Jane has vacumed our Christmas Tree. Interesting. I am working and I read on her blog that my girlfriend at home has been vacuming our tree. Hehehehe.
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NOboarding

Don't go snowboarding. Don't do it. I went last night, indoor snowboarding. And now I am feeling totally wasted. Absolutely tired. I got up at 4am yesterday to start work at 5am. So I was very very tired when I got home. I thought: let's have an afternoon nap and regain some energy.

In the evening, I really wanted to clear my head of all the work-stress. So I went snowboarding with Jane. Disasterous. I am not a good boarder; I only boarded twice in my life. But I do enjoy it. But last night was a disaster. Not concentrated at all. I cried because I just could not do it. I cried because I just got scared. I did not have the confidence to throw myself down the hill. And nothing more dangerous on the slopes than a snowboarder who is scared. Like elderly people in a car on the motorway. I cried out of pure frustration. But I did not give up. I ploughed on. And on and on. I hated it.

And now it is the next day and people at work ask me what the hell I have been doing last night. Drinking?? No. Snowboarding.
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18 December 2003

Not enough

How come my Christmas bonus is never as much as I hope it is? How come when all the taxes have come off, I am left with nothing but a few hundred euro more than my regular salary? Bugger. Maybe I have a vision that I make more money than I actually do? Donno.

I am SO tired. I am SO done with the place I work. My mind is already gone and I am more and more wondering why I don't just leave now? What exactly is stopping me?

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17 December 2003

Until February

We hear today if we are going to live another day. I mean that today we will hear if we will be subsidised some more or will be be bankrupt by the end of this day. I am already working for 4 hours. My girl is still in bed, nice and warm. And I am waiting to hear of I have a job or not. Who cares about work when you have a nice warm body to sleep next to?

Tonight there is a dinner with a lot of the people who work here. Depending on the resulot from today, it is either a farewell dinner or it is a celebration of living another month. I am shipping Jane off to Lord of the Rings for the night. Not sure why people love that shit so much. I have never seen a single frame of the movie but anyone who says a three-hour movie is 'a bit fast, the book is much slower', needs the brain checked. Boring, boring, boring.
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Oh my God


Normally I do not post things like this. But this time it was a little bit too funny. And correct:)

gender nazi
You are a Gender Nazi. Your boundary-crossing
lifestyle inspires awe in your friends and
colleagues. Or maybe they're just scared you
will kick their asses for using gender-specific
language. Either way, the wife-beater helps.


What kind of postmodernist are you!?
brought to you by Quizilla
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15 December 2003

Tragedy


Death penalty would be no tragedy .

That is not my opinion.But the opinion of the Australian Prime Minister AND the Leader of the AUstralian opposition. I blik my eyes and re-read what John Howard has said:

The death penalty is fine for Saddam Hussein, even though a decision has yet to be made on how the captured former dictator will be tried, say the Prime Minister, John Howard, and the Opposition Leader, Mark Latham. Mr Howard told Channel Nine yesterday that if the death penalty were imposed, he would support it "absolutely".

Pretty shocking that is. Why do they not immideately re-introduce the deathpenalty in Australia. Apparently the two leaders are in favour of it. How can they say things like that? I am sure that they mean: well, how nice if they kill him, then we can say we are against the death penalty OFFICIALLY but on a personal note we would like him dead.

Thank God the New Zealand leader Helen Clarke immideately said that New Zealand is against the death penalty and would oppose it strongly if Saddam was sentenced to death. Maybe New Zealand people are better. Maybe that is where I should move to.


But there are some smart Aussies. Asshows the Letters-page in the Sydney Morning Herald:

Now that they've caught him, what are they going to charge him with? They can't charge him with having WMDs, as none have been found. Nor can they charge him with involvement in September 11, 2001, or having links with Osama bin Laden, because on both of these charges the CIA has said there is no evidence.

And they certainly wouldn't dare charge him with gassing the Kurds because they supplied him with the gas and turned a blind eye.





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14 December 2003

Saddam again

The capture of Saddam reminds me of the death of Princess Diana. Almost the same circumstances: having sex whilst history is being made. Today, as that day in 1997, I got up about 2pm. Had a shower with girlfriend and lazily logged on to the internet to see if there was any news. And I stared at the screen. And turned on the TV. And saw some amazing footage. Whilst I was making whoopie, the world was staring at the TV in awe. And I missed it. Again.

Does me having sex make history happen? Should I have sex more often? With different women? Or should I pick one woman to make history with on a regular basis? Choices choices choices.
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Saddam captured


Saddam Hussein has been captured. AMerica will use this to claim victory. I am happy for the Iraqis. I hope life moves in a better direction for them. However, I doubt that violence against the Americans will stop. Because I don't think Saddam was the one who caused the violence. The terrorist attacks are by other people who hate the US and the West. Even so, I am waiting for the capture of Bin Laden. Somehow I fear this might help the re-election of Bush. Blech.
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13 December 2003

Read the book? Rather watch the film!

The BBC had a bright idea: Let the nation decide on the best book ever. For weeks The Big Read encouraged people to read. Famous Britons pleaded for their favorite books. And now the finale is coming. And what is the result of all this?

The Times today writes that the sale of DVD's of the books discussed in The Big Read has gone up spectacularly!! So instead of people thinking: wow, that sounds great, I need to read that book, they thought: oh great, I need to watch that film!!!!!!

Interesting. Not sure that was what the BBC had in mind. It certanily made me pick up my copy of Wuthering Heights, look at it and think..............nah, read it 10 times now, can't be arsed to read it again. Will watch the film. One of the MANY films;)
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12 December 2003

She was always beautiful

It is always bad when someone you love gets hurt. It can make me cry. The injustice of a loved one hurt is too much...... Jane makes me cry. She used to think she wasn't worth much. Just the thought that she was hurt before I knew her. Just the thought that she did not like herself much. She is a beautiful person (not that I am biased...........) and I don't believe that she was a completely different person back then. She was always beautiful. She always had the potential to make someone extremely happy. She was always beautiful.

And so last night we were watching a film on TV, and I looked at her. She had her arms around me, lying on my sofa, I looked at her.... and I cried. And again when we were in bed, ready to sleep, I cried. Because it makes me angry that someone as wonderful as her has at any time in her life felt worthless and depressed. It feels fundamentally wrong. unfair. And unnessecary. Because she was always beautiful.
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To work or not to work

Still not sure if my work will be here by next Wednesday. Wednesday they decide on an extra 5 million euro to save us. If we do not get subsidised, we die. On Thursday morning. It is strange working here. People are advising each other to take all their personal belongings home because in case of a bankruptcy, everything that is in the building will become part of a financial construction and wuill be confiscated by those to whom we owe large amounts of money. So I shall take my guitars and amplifier home. Because it also means the end of the band I was in with a few colleagues.

I wish they would decide already!!! I will be sad if we go down, but at least there will be certainty. My biggest fear is that they decide on Wednesday to give us 2 million to tie us over until they have tried to find other solutions. Because if they DON'T find those solutions, we will still go bankrupt. Only then it wil be horrible to work here inbetween.
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09 December 2003

New URL!!!!!

Please people, change your bookmarks to:



http://www.bunnyfactor10.com



Thank you fabulous girlfriend.

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06 December 2003

Home again

I don't want to be here. Here is in Holland. Jane and I got here this morning after a hellish night. We flew out of London Stasted at 6.10am. But since there was no trains or busses going there at that time in the morning, we have spent the night at the airport. Darn I am tired. Oh well, makes for a good sleep.

Tomorrow Feyenoord (my favorite football team) plays ADO Den Haag. Should be a walk-over. I like that Jane is coming along with me. She understands how important football is:) And Monday I get back to work. I shudder to think what it is like, now that 42 people have been fired and left and the sword of Damocles is hanging above all our heads. On December 17, there will be a decision on our survival or our downfal. UNtil then, I would prefer to stay at home, under the covers. With Jane.
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04 December 2003

My choice?

When I chose to leave my job, some weeks ago, I had not set a definate date yet. I finally did that last week. I am not communicating it since it is not important to other people yet. Only for me and Jane it helps knowing a definate date.

Maybe you know the feeling: oncde in your life you want to do something great, something that makes other peopel think: Wow, that is really courageous. And to me, it is quitting my job and moving to another country to start a new life. I would be giving up a promising carreer in journalism because I don't see much chance of me working for the BBC for a few years yet. So this was my equivalent of Running the London Marathon once in your life. Or climbing Mount Everest. You know the feeling.

And now, the place where I work will quite possibly go bellyup. And I am devastated. not only because it saddens me, but also because I feel stripped of my choices. It feels like I am halfway along the marathon and somebody has just told me: we have shortened the marathon to some 21 kilomeres because people were finding it too hard to run. Does that make sense? Now that I will quite possibly be without a job in a few months anyway (assuming we will indeed go bankrupt), it feels like it takes away from the momentum of my choice to leave my job. After all, I would be without a job anyway so what better time to make this step? It makes sense. I know it makes no difference to the choices I am makking. I am still moving. But somehow it feels like I am not running the Marathon, or climbing Everest. Somehow now it feels like I am doing a practice run. It doesn't feeel so BIG anymore. In a very strange and childish way I feel cheated out of the Grandeur of my choices. Does that make sense?
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Eddie


I am SO excited. I am going to see Eddie Izzard Live in Birmingham tonight. I am sure I will miss just about half of all the interesting jokes because he talks so fast. But that means there will still be more than enough to laugh about. Cool, I can not wait.

In the mean time, things at work seem to go from bad to worse. I feel like the whole place is falling apart this week. Editor in Chief is considering his position, other people are aswell. By the time I come back on Monday, maybe half the broadcaster has fallen apart. Bugger. It is a shame. I started there right after graduating from university and now it is falling apart. Hang on, I just had a thought. It goes in a separate post.
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02 December 2003

Shocked



For those of you who can read Dutch and who actually care about things like this:Quick Scan regionale omroepen.

This is the report of the study that was done into the problems of the broadcaster that I work for. The outcome of this study is shocking. If the Provincial Council does not come up with about 5 million Euros, my broadcaster will have to file for bankruptcy in a few months. This means that everyone will lose their job. And since the Province subsidises not 1 but 2 regional broadcasters in massive financial trouble, the Province will need to fork out about 10 million euro to keep both of them up and running. Will they do that? I don't know. It is a political decision they have to make. Based on the report, I could well understand if they said: I don't think so, not after the way these two broadcasters have fucked up their business.

But what about the people who work there? If there is no support, it will mean the end of about 250 jobs.

For those of you who do not understand: the Radio/TV in The Netherlands is the most complcated structure in the world. Yes, there is advertising, no it is not commercial. Yes, there is state influence, no it is not a state broadcaster like the BBC. The regional stations, like the one I work for, are financed by the Counties/Provinces they serve. Province Limburg subsidises RTV Limburg, and province Utrecht subsidises RTV Utrecht. The province of Zuid-Holland subsidises 2 regional broadcasters. Why? Because the Province is huge and because it is the main focus of economical activity in The Netherlands. There is Rotterdam with its harbours, and there is T Hgue with its government and international instititions. Two completely different areas in the same province. And to service them both properly, the situation grew that there came to be 2 regional broadcasters. Subsidised by the Province Council and the other part of the money comes from advertising. Still confused? Still interested? Try reading this brief history of Dutch broadcasting and maybe it will become clear.

And me? I am in England. I seem to be away everytime important news is made about my job. I was in Wales this summer when it became clear we were in massive trouble. My grandfather died and the day before his cremation, we were informed that they were going to fire 42 people (read: I was not there with my head and sat as a zombie thorugh the whole thing) and now, when the report that will decide everything comes out, I am abroad yet again. I feel I am missing all the important bits. On the other hand, I am glad to be away from it for a while. It has been less than fantastic in the past months. I think I will have to prepare for a future elsewhere. Oh hang on, I was already doing just that.

But what if I leave? What if everybody is so upset with the report and the bleak future that they leave? It will be like rats leaving a sinking ship with only a captain left at the rudder. Is that fair? Is that cowardice? Should we not all stay and try to rescue this broadcaster? I don't know. I think a lot of people will be doing a lot of long hard thinking.
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01 December 2003

2:45am

What? Where? Why?

What am I doing up at this time of morning? Someone remind me. This should be illegal, this is not human. There better be a bloody good reason.
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