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Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


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The Forgotten

09 December 2004

This morning in my mailbox there was a mail from K. Calling me by a nickname that I did not recognise.I could not remember for the life of me who she was. Someone from school? And then that funny nick name? Probably the wrong email address. She does say she found my email on a website somewhere. But she also says: You moved to England now....
So she really does mean me.....

But who is she?

After thinking long and hard for about 5 minutes, her name still does not ring a bell. So I write her a reply. I don't know the nickname you use for me and your name looks familiar but I can not remember who she is and did we go to school together?

And I press Send

...and as I take my finger off the mouse button, I feel the blood rise to my cheeks. K....K...Oh SHIT!!! I know who she is? Why did that not occur to me BEFORE I sent the mail? Shit shit shit. How rude is it to tell an ex girlfriend that you do not remember her name and that she might be an old school friend perhaps?

What is the right course of action? Apologise or pretend it was a joke?

In my defence, the nickname she used for me never really stuck and was only used for the 3 months we went out together. Let's say it did not end in a very nice way and I was probably to blame for it as I went back to the girl was with before I met K. Somehow it is one of those things I rather forget about. For many different reasons that don't have much to do with her personally. I guess that is a rude thing to say as well. And I don't even know where she has found my name so it may well be on this weblog.

I used to laugh at people who told me similar stories. How can you ever forget the name of an ex-lover? Unless you are a slut of course who sleeps with many many people, in which case it is probably better to have forgotten a load of names.

But I have only ever had 1....2....3....4...5... (counts on fingers of 1 hand) relationships (A relationship is everything that lasts longer than a month..... but even if I include everything that was shorter than a month, I would only get up to about 7). So to forget the name of one of those 5 is pretty rude.

So much for impulsiveness. If I had spent 5 more minutes thinking about it, I would have remembered. I think. But then again, maybe my brain is wired so that I only remember AFTER sending the mail. As a belated guilt-trip.

Is it rude to forget names? Is it a social pressure to remember the names of your ex-lovers? They are ex-lovers for a reason so if they are no longer friends, then why remember their names? Or is that rude?

Or am I just being honest and saying what most of you have thought at some point in their lives but were too politie to admit?


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