Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

Astrocytoma

About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

26 February 2004

Shortage

We are short of staff at our Radio TV Station. After our almost-banruptcy, lots of people have left (including me in a short 2 weeks)
We try to do our very best so the listeners won't hear it in our programs. But I will give you a hint. Or a few ones actually.

Your radiostationis short of staff when:

- The guy who hosts the radio show is also the newsreader every hour
- The guy who hosts the radio show is also the guy who brings you the latest weather
- The guy who hosts the radio show is also the guy who brings you the latest news on the traffic
- The guy who hosts the radio show starts reading the newspapers out loud (not enough reporters to come back with news stories)

And finally, your radio station is short of staff when the guy who hosts the radio show drops dead because he has to basically do the show on his own for 3 hours. (for you as a listener, that would be a good moment to participate inthe show and call 999)

Respect André. Well done this morning mate.
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23 February 2004

Centre of attention

The International Court of Justice in The Hague is hearing the case against the so-called Wall of Peace that Israel is building right through Palestinian land. Yet again my city, The Hague, is the focus of world attention. We also have the UN Yugoslavia Tibunal here. Good good good.

Outside the Peace Palace pro-Israeli demonstrators have shown they have no taste or style. They had a busdflown in from Israel. That bus was blown up in January and 11 people were killedin that attack. At the moment, people are standingon the roof of that bus. Tactful isn't it? Protesters are also carrying pictures of 1000 people who died in Palestinian bombattacks. These pictures were kindly offered to the demonstrators by the Israeli Embassy in The Hague. Geez, embassies should not get involved in that kind of stuff. But we all know Israel disregards international laws and UN resolutions.

I am not a fan of bombing people to death. But as I said here before, Israel is killing Palestinians every day. The so-called Wall of Peace runs right through Palestinian land. They build Jewish settlements and then throw a wall around them, claiming the land is theirs. Palestinians are simply demanding Israel builds the wall along the borders agreed upon in 1967.But no, Israel wants more land. So they run the wall right through some of the most fertile Palestinian land.

Israel keeps saying that everyone who does not agree with them is anti-Semite. The mayor of The Hague tried to stop the pro-Israel protesters flying that bus in. It would be provocation. And disgusting. And disrespectful for those who died in that bus. And he tried to stop the protesters wearing pictures of victims. But a judge ruled they were allowed to take the pictures. Fair enough. Then the mayor expressed his anger at the Israelian Embassy supplying the photos. Israel responded as it always does: "We are shocked that a Christian politician from a friendly nation does not attack terrorism by Palestinians but tells Israel off for defending its right to protest."

Excuse me? Asking people not to provoke other demonstrators is not denying rights. It is also not sanctioning terrorism. But we all know Israel responds to everything in terms of You are with us or against us. No wonder they are such close friends with George Bush. I hope the International Court of Justice rules that wall to be illegal. But of course, Israel has already said that as long as the International Court of Justice does not say that terrorism is wrong, they will not listen to the ruling. So, as usual, Israel wants the world to allow crimes committed by Israeli army and Israeli government because Palestinians do nasty things too. Just like spoilt children.
Both sides are behaving like children. Israel like a spoilt little brat that wants its way. Palestinians like a deprived child demanding its rights in a rather unorthodox way.

Why does Israel need to provoke the Palestinians? Extremists have said that if Israel builds the wall along its own border, they won't have a problem with it. Isn't that the solution then? Build the thing along your own border, instead of halfway into another country. If you really want to stop your people from being killed, you would at least consider it. But not Israel. No. They are throwing their toys out of their pram, sulking, pouting and yelling I-want-this-wall-over-here!!!! Sure. Whatever. Israel wants land. Not peace. As long as people are attacking Israel, the world is lenient towards Israel. Imagine the Palestinians ending their bombing? That would mean Israel can never kill a Palestinian again. It would mean Israel can never claim more land for their settlers. That would be a disaster. Because just as much as Arabs don't want the Jewish state, Israel does not want a Palestinian state. Under no circumstances. So it serves Israel well that Palestinians attack people: it gives Israel the moral right to take more land and kill Palestinians.
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22 February 2004

Running to Cambodia

The King of Cambodia believes gays should have the right to get married in his country. On his website he posts daily scribbles. In one of them he remarks that Cambodia is a liberal democracy and that, as far as he is concerned, gays should have the same rights as heterosexuals. He was inspired to write this after seeing thousands of gay couples getting married in San Fransisco. Oh, and he also wants transsexuals to be treated fairly and equally.

Good man. I can see the headlines: American Army invades Cambodia. An Army of Lovers.........
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Blogging by the Uninspired

Arm hurts. Shoulder is swollen. Wearing a sling to give my shoulderjoint a rest. Feel completely uninspired. Sorry guys. I doubt you were missing my blogging much but still. The preparations for moving are steadily along. If anyone wants to come and say goodbye to me, you can. On Friday 12 March in pub Fiddlers in The Hague. I will be there from 8pm. If you manage to find me, you win a prize.

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18 February 2004

See, point proved

Only 3 lousy comments on my previous blog. Should I be a little more racist? Or does it mean people simply do not read my blog?
I will admit it: I AM A COMMENTS WHORE!!!!!!! If nobody comments, I feel abandoned.
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17 February 2004

I might aswell give it up

I have been beaten. By my own girlfriend. Her blog is better and more thought provoking. People post and discuss things there. She posts: I am unsure about my feelings about bi-sexuality. And voilaá, there is a discussion.

Let me try:

I am prejudiced against fat people. When I see them eating a burger, I think, for a split second: no wonder you are fat. That is mean isn't it. The second thought is telling myself not to be predjudiced and mean, but it is too late, the deed has been done. I try to be a good girl but I admit that if Jane had been fat, I would have reacted differently to seeing her the first time (we met online). My first words to her would probably not have been: "You forgot to tell me you are gorgeous." My first thought would have been: "She's fat". I am not saying it would have meant the end of the relationship before it even started. It would have meant an extra hurdle to take.


And I am prejudiced against black/coloured people. When it is late at night and I am walking down the street, I will actively avoid walking past a group of immigrants talking in the street. And if I do pass them, I will zip my jacket up and keep my hand on my wallet. How bad is that? Where does that feeling of discomfort come from? Am I a racist? Probably.

I think it is a kind of pre-historic thing inside all of us to regard people who are different from ourselves as dangerous or strange. In pre-historic times, it used to be the first step of protection: "Strangers coming in to or camp. They look different, they don't belong here, we need to be careful."

I would never avoid meeting a coloured person. Or a fat person. I will always take the time to get to know them. Because on a personal level, on a one-to-one basis, I have no 'trouble' with fat people. Or black people. Or anybody else. I suppose that is where the difference lies between someone who is a racist of fat-phobic and someone who is trying to get rid of her own prejudices

After all, some of my best friends are fat. Or black............

Or are they...........?
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16 February 2004

I got an apology

Oh my. *tries to calm heaving bossom*

I have a complete POST dedicated to me on a site I burnt down the other day. I might have judged Grouchy Old Cripple too soon. Of course he is wrong about the War and Democrats being soft and mean. I believe the Republicans are the ones who are mean (Chasing Clinton for having an affair...puhlease).
Anyway, he called me a troll because of my previous post. I accused him of being a Christian. Indeed the worst accusation I can think of. No seriously.
But, he is a bigger man than I though the was and he deserves my apology aswell. He apologised for calling me a troll and then dedicated a WHOLE POST to me. Wow!!!!
Of course the whole post is wrong and eventhough he claims he is right, I know that he is wrong. But see, it IS possible to disagree with someone to the point where I probably wouldn't even manage more than a 3 minute conversation before blowing up in frustration. But that doesn't mean there can be no respect.

Grouchy, you rule man!!
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14 February 2004

It really did happen

Anyone saying gay people are complaining they have it hard should know about things like this:

When he was 18, his mother found a love letter from another boy. She was so distraught that Price volunteered for psychiatric treatment. He was admitted to a mental hospital where he was given "aversion therapy" by being shown pictures of naked men while being injected with an emetic, which caused him to vomit and defecate in his bed. He walked out before completing his "treatment".

Three months later, he walked into a gay club in Manchester. Standing at the bar was the psychiatrist from the hospital. It took three men to drag Price off him.


Luckily enough this quote comes from a much more happy article about how this man, Price, saved a boy from killing himself. He hosts a radioshow and a boy called in to say he was not 'taking it anymore'. Price ran out of the studio to find the boy. And there is another example of how shitty it can be to be gay:

Price said he was "scared shitless" as he drove down County Road, unsure whether or not he was being set up. "I'm a known gay man. He's a 13-year-old boy."
He stopped a taxi and asked the driver to follow, for insurance.


Even on moments like that, ou have to realise people will judge you for your sexuality.

Anyway, here is the whole story.



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13 February 2004

No posts

Posting will be restricted in the next few days. I am suffering from a bad form of Repetitive Strain Injury (or more commonly known as Mouse Arm). I came home from work today after only having been there an hour. I can not use my computer without beingin pain. I cannot even hold my mobile to my ear with my right hand wihtout feeling stiffness and pain in my right shoulder. I shouldn't even be posting now.
So please don't leave me if you find me a little distant. Just come back and encourage me:) And send me love. And good vibes. They might cure me.
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Job gone

Heard today that there is very very little chance of Radio TV West surviving. Next week the County Council has to vote on giving us support money. And there is a lot of resistence amongst council members to help us out. So there is a good chance that next week they will vote against extra money for us.

And then I will be without a job instantly instead of per 1st April. Last week I was hopeful about us surviving but now I am not so hopeful anymore.
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12 February 2004

A tale of encouragement

I am seated in a New Jersey appartment, drinking an English beverage called "tea". Somewhere outside, a guidette squawks and a cold wind whips harshly through this barren hinterland. Facing me, perched daintily on her fashionable sofa, her strikingly beautiful face pale but composed, is the woman I know only as "Eurotrash". To all but the most observant, she appears calm, but the heaving of her magnificent bosom betrays just the faintest hint of tension.

"It is over," she admits wearily. "I know it is over, but I cannot bring myself to believe that it is really over."

This is a woman who understands loss, trauma, physical exertion and the betrayal of her dearest friends. To know fully the extent of her ordeal, we must go back in time, to a wintry December morning in 2003.

"I was booked on the 6.30pm flight to London from Newark," she recalls, her startlingly beautiful brown eyes meeting mine for an instant and provoking just the tiniest erection in my trousers.

"I also had the painters in, if you know what I mean, so my lavatory was seeing a fair bit of action on the tampon front. It was early days and I was bleeding like a stuck pig, so we're talking some fairly large jam-logs heading down the tube and out to the sea."


Read the rest of this beautiful, moving story of female empowerment at Eurotrash, the woman who so bravely recounts her horrors. I worship this woman. Her writing makes me laugh, her blog is a daily fixture on my diet. It should be on yours.
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11 February 2004

What's green....

I shamelessly stole this image from Grouchy Old Cripple. I should not link to that site because it represents everything I hate about Republicans in America: one sided, personal attacks, uninformed and ridiculously patriotic to the extend the truth doesn't matter much.

Either way, I seem to be strangely attracted to torturing myself by going to that site. Mostly I sit back and smile. Amazing that people can be so full of hatred just because somebody is not a Christian Fundamentalist Republican. I have not told them yet that I am a Lesbian journalist because we all know lesbians and journalists are all left-wing scum. And actually, he might be right this time. Maybe not about the scum though.

Anyway, back to Miss Piggy.
Somebody posted the most ugly comment to this picture:
It is green and it smells of pork: Kermit's fingers.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, might be why I keep checking that site. Because either way, it always makes me feel disgusted.
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Music was my first love

What does music say about you? A colleague of mine that I rarely talk to mentioned she had heard Eva Cassidy on the radio and was looking for her CDs. I told her she could borrow mine. She looked at me with a look that seemed to say: I never expected YOU to like that kind of music.

So today I have them in my bag to give to her and I was listening to Eva in the car on the way to work. And in a strange way, I felt like I was about to expose myself to someone I hardly know. Maybe that is because Eva's music is very personal and saying that you like her seems to be linked to the kind of songs she sings. So maybe I only get this feeling with Eva Cassidy. But when I think about it, I think I get that feeling with most of the 'quiet' music that I like. If I tell people I like Janis Ian, Joni Mitchell or Mary Black, most people look at me in surprise. I am a fairly loud person; always busy; always jumpy; witty; It seems that people frequently think that is all I am. So when I tel tell them I kind of like quiet, introspective music, I feel like I am exposing a very vulnerable side of myself. To the extend that I am reluctant to give Sanne the CDs.

Do more people have that? Does the music you listen to say something about you? And what does it say? Why is the first thing I do when I am at people's houses look at their music collection? And their books? Is it looking for a nond? Or is it looking for a kind of reassurance that I have judged this person correctly because he or she shares my taste and might therefore be a lot like me?

Tmie for sociologists and anthropologists to have their say.
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10 February 2004

Problem

I hate Valentine's Day.It is commercial crap and I hate it.

But...

Jane and I first met on Valentine's Day (or rather, it is when I first flew to England to see her)

So do I skip Valentine's Day? And get killed for not sending an anniversary card? Or do I buy a card and sendit?Problem is these days they all say something like "Be my Valentine" or "Happy Valentine's Day".

Can I not just call her to say I love her?

"I just called
To say
I love you
I just called
To say how much I care
I just called
to say
I love you
And I mean it from
The bottom of my heart"

Good Ol' Stevie Wonder
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Shy? Me?

You're a Motherly little Girlfriend
-Motherly- You're the motherly type. You love to
take care of the one you love, and generally
you can be a bit overprotective and possessive,
but you know, that isn't always such a bad
thing. At least you'll be a good mom in the
future.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm.....I am not shy. But I am a little motherly. And possessive. Reminds me of the ABBA song "Lay all your love on me":

I wasn't jealous before we met
Now every woman I see is a potential threat
And I'm possessive, it isn't nice
You've heard me saying that smoking was my only vice
But now it isn't true
Now everything is new
And all I’ve learned has overturned
I beg of you......

Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me

It was like shooting a sitting duck
A little smalltalk, a smile and baby I was stuck
I still don't know what you've done with me
A grown-up woman should never fall so easily
I feel a kind of fear
When I don't have you near
Unsatisfied, I skip my pride
I beg you dear......

Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go sharing your devotion
Lay all your love on me

I've had a few little love affairs
They didn’t last very long and they've been pretty scarce
I used to think that was sensible
It makes the truth even more incomprehensible
'cause everything is new
And everything is you
And all I've learned has overturned
What can I do......

Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go sharing your devotion
Lay all your love on me


Maybe ABBA wasn't as bad as people make it out to be.
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08 February 2004

Wing Chun

Back in the days where ER was still a great show, there were hillarious reviews of the show over at Television without pity. And the ones that made me laugh hardest were always by Wing Chun. During Season 7 of ER, Kerry Weaver, the one with the crutch, was made a lesbian. And to help her, she got a gorgeous girlfriend in the shape of Elizabeth Mitchell. The writers tried to be good and did not just throw Leasbian Weaver at us. No, they dropped clues for weeks. And by god how subtle were those clues?
Well, not subtle at all. And Wing Chun was just the BEST at pointing this out. One ofmy favorite things to do it watch old ER episodes while reading Wing Chun reviews at the same time. I notice things I never realised.

Hmmm.....it is an hour after I wrote the first paragraph of this post.I was going to look for funny quotes from Wing Chun ER-reviews. But it is too funny and single quotes lift it out of context. So never mind.

However, you can read Wing Chun's stuff over at Hissyfit. And she is still just as funny.
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06 February 2004

Don't do it

Addictive game.
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Getting old

last night in bed, I realised I am 28. And that I go to work every day and get a day older every time I wake up. Not a stunning revelation, I know. However, I felt scared. Because I am enjoying life a lot actually. And getting older means my life is getting shorter every day. And I don't like that. I am not scared of getting old because I will look old or stuff like that. I am also not afraid to 'miss out on great things and regret it when I am 100'. I am simply worried abuot my life getting shorter. Having less time to enjoy life. Less time with the people I love, less time to travel, less time to live. I am doing the things I really want to do so I am not afraid to suddenly realise that I have missd out. I am not missing out. I just want to stay 28 for a long time so I can enjoy this life longer.
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Anti-Valentine



Shamelessly stolen from Green Fairy. But even though it is stolen, it is not any less heart felt. So please send as many anti-valentrines cards as you want. Except me to Jane or Jane to me (don't think you can get out of this one Jane!!!!) Since Valentine's Day is actually uor anniversary so we have a right to send fluffy cards. In fact, we have a duty!!
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A virgin again

OK, so here is the story of me still being a virgin. It revolves around the question: What is sex? As Clinton puts it, oral sex is not sex. Result: millions of young American teenagers contract STD's from oral sex, without thinking they are having sex at all.

Jane went to register with a doctor yesterday. But she had to talk to a nurse first to take her medical history. (Here in the Netherlands we have a medical history that I can take with me when I go to a new GP. Sounds reasonable doesn't it? Revolutionary idea.......not. Would save so much time and money.)

Anyway, the nurse takes medical history and the conversation comes to her sexual history. (No, no need to zap away, there are no boobs or gory details here. Nothing I would want YOU to know anyway)

The conversation went something like this...

"Do you take the pill?"
"No"
"So what do you do for contraception"
"Nothing"
"Erm, ok, are you sexually active?"
"Yes, with a female partner"
Nurse writes down 'not sexual' in my notes. Phrase it better, please!
"So what exactly do you class as sexual intercourse?"
*condescending look*
"Penile penetration"


When Jane told me first, I laughed. Really hard. As did some of my straight colleagues. Then I told the story to some gay colleagues. And they were much less amused. And then I realised that they were right: It is pure ignorance. Sex is only penile penetration? So what happens when a lesbian goes to that doctor and has a record of 'no sexual history'? The doctor won't check for STD's because the record says that she is not sexually active. That is just one side of of the coin. More about that in the British Medical Journal.

The other is that it is simply ignorant and infuriating. Because that bith is simply saying that what I have with my partner is sub-standard, not sex and definately not worth writing down.
I am still boiling when I think about it. So I suggested Jane write a letter of complaint to that nurse. But Jane is much more docile than me. She suggested she would bring it up with the doctor next time she gors. But Jane hardly ever goes to the doctor so that might be another year or so. So Isuggested I would write the letter for her and she would send it. I should stop writing about it because it makes me more angry every day.

So what can we do that is not sex?
Lick, finger, use vibrators, dildos, strap-ons, snog................ See, that is why I am bound to remain a virgin for the rest of my life. Because I am sure that I will never be adding the word penis to that list. Hang on..................

Maybe I am the new Virgin Mary. I will have a child and still be a virgin. And my name (Marieke) is a Dutch form of Mary.....

Hail me, hail me!!!!!
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Syndication

I have no idea what it means. But everybody does it these days. And Blogger, bless their iny brains, have made it available: syndication. You can now read my site-feed in your newsreader. How cool is that. Blogger enables me to feel part of the incrowd without knowing what the hell I am doing. Kinda cool. But I wantone of those nifty RSS-buttons too. However, I think my site-feed is not RSS so that would make me look very very stupid. So XML it is for now.
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05 February 2004

Virgin

I will tell you all about the story later (after Jane has had the time to blog it since it is her story). But it turns out I am still a Virgin. I have not yet been sexually active. Shit. now what? I'll turn thirty next year and I'll still be a virgin..... and when I am 100, I will still be a virgin.
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03 February 2004

Soppy log

Jane went home on Sunday. And I took our bed apart on Monday. I am selling the bugger so raise money for m England-move. Strange how you can get emotional over a bed. I bought the bed last year when Jane came over to see me for the first time. Sometime in March 2003. I had a stupid single bed and no money. So my colleague Debby Roukens was nice enough to lend me the money. I paid her back on a monthly basis. I really feel that bed is not mine but ours. Jane's and mine.
So I put my single bed together again (I had stored it under the double bed). But I could not quite let go of the duvet yet. I am one of those sad people who thinks pillows still smell of the Other person the night afterwards. And they do.

Anyway, I miss Jane. I am looking forward to my new life in England. And I am scared. Scared as hell because I do not have an awful lot of money. In fact I have no money at all. So if anyone has money or a job for me, I would be most grateful.
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02 February 2004

The test to end all tests


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The whole story

On the website of the Israeli ministry of Foreign Affairs people can see un-edited footage of the latest bombattack in Jerusalem. Bodies ripped apart, legs, arms, blood, flesh. All there. Pretty shocking stuff. Put there to show the world that Israel is right in fighting terrorism the way they do.

But it is a shame they do not show the whole picture.
Invisible are the Israeli bulldozers who, every day, roll into Palestinian villages with no other reason than to destroy infrastructure. Waterpipes, electricity. After all, that could be used by terrorists so let's just destroy it. The pictures fail to show how Israeli soldiers, frequently only just out of puberty, shoot Palestinian mothers for no reason. After all, mothers can breed children and children could become terrorists. What more reason do you need ot shoot people? The footage does not show the the so-called Wall of Peace runs right through the most fertile Palestinian land, eventhough it is recognised as being Palestinian. It does not show how 600 Jews are protected from 400.000 Palestinians with excessive force every day. It does not show how the Israeli government keeps building new settlements on land that is supposed to be returned to Palestinians. It does not show how day after day after day, Israel kills all hope for Palestinian children to one day live in peace. It does not show how Israel creates its own monsters.

No.
All it shows is horrible dead bodies and crying people who have lost their loved ones. Truly horrible. it will surely raise the call for more force against terrorism. The USA will ignore the proof of Israel committing crimes against Human Rights and Palestinians every day. Because all they have to do is point at the horrible pictures on the website. Terrible footage.

But it is not the whole picture.


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I believe in the BBC


I really do. Believe in the BBC. It doesn't mean I believe the BBC. I believe Andrew Gilligan should be dragged through the mud and his editors with him. It is unthinkable that a reporter can have such an explosive story in his hands, one that can bring down the government, and that nobody asks to see the script. That would have been a problem anyway becasue there was no script. Gilligan basicly gathered his notes and sat down behind a microphone. He sort of read the story frmo his notes, making up the words as he was reading his notes. And this is why he later had to admit some of the wording was wrong and poorly chosen.

However, the exhonoration of Tony Blair has made me sick. And especially the nicredibly undignifief reaction of Alistair Campbell. Ugh. I believe the government DID sex up the report. I beleive Campbell did do stuff he was not supposed to do and I certainly beleive the government did nothing to protect David Kelly. (But then again, he should have realised that speaking to the press would cost him his carreer......)

Anyway, the Hutton Enquiry should be a victory for Blair. But in its complete one-sided view of affairs, it has in fact only damaged Blair's position even further. Because all the blame is put at the BBC's doorstep. And that is something I refuse to believe. So I believe in the BBC. But I do not believe in Giligan and his direct boss. They are right to leave their jobs. Now let's hope that Murdoch will not take over the media. Ugh.

This whole mess made me wonder. On the radio the other day I heard a discussion about why most media can be placed on the left side of the political spectrum. Maybe it is because those of us who work in the media have a much broader view of what is going on in the world. On a day-to-day basis we are confronted with poverty, hunger, injustice, homelessness and injustice. I am not saying that The Right causes all these problems but I suppose The Right more or less suggests people solve their own problems. That people are always responsible for their own actions. And maybe when you are confronted with misery every day, you get a better view of how sometimes you simply can not solve your own problems anymore. I welcome your views on this matter.
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Panting the news

I am a radio news reader. Well, I am sometimes.
well, I had to read my first bulletin at 6am. But when I sat down in the studio upstairs, it turned out it was broken. So I was ordered to come downstairs to the big studio to read the news. But I had to run. So I ran to the studio to make it on time. And I made it. Just. I ran into the studio as the news-tune was already playing. But we all forgot that you are out of breath when you run. So I wrestled myself through the first news-item. Breathing and panting like I was crying. So after the first item, the presenter of the radios took over. In the middle of my bulletin!!!!! I was very very embarrassed. But it was kind of funny too:) Will see if I can get it as a little file as a blooper. It was horrible. Because you are trying to breath and calm down but in the meantime you can hear how awful it sounds on air. So you sort of panic, hoping it will go away soon and in the meantime you are trying to control your breathing but it doesn't work so you panic some more....And so on and so on........

Anyway, it was a good laugh and a funny start of the day. Let's hope nobody heard it or else I will be hearing it all day today. Ugh.
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01 February 2004

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