17 July 2005

No denial

I thyink there is no denying it. I am getting depressed. Perhaps it is because I am about to turn 30 and I have no house, no car and a job that pays shit money with no perspectives. Perhaps it is becuase I have nothing to look forward to. Not that my life is shit, but when you have a job with no perspective, life just moves along and there is nothing in the future that helps you to go on. I am not going on a trip around the world, not going skiing, not moving to another country. Just life ahead of me.

But more than anything, it is my job. I hate it. It is boring. But on the other hand, I feel I have no skills to move on to something more interesting. I have a degree in Journalism, something that is proving completely useless out here. England is a much more competitive job market than The Netherlands. JD's fellow students have all just graduaetd and are going no starting salaries of £30,000 in places like London, New York and what have you. The average starting salary of a UK graduate is £22,000. STARTING salary. I currently get £15,000 and with my limited skillset, there is no real prospect to go anywhere over £20,000.

Journalism is a degree in general knowledge but you end up knowing nothing. In the end, it is the only thing I am trained to do. I went to a recruitment agency and the guy asked me if I had done purchase orders, sales order processing, stock control, invoices? In the end he said: " What CAN you do?". I felt that was particularly nasty of him and it certainly made me feel depressed.

If I had the money, I would go back to university and study marketing. I will achieve more as a fresh graduate with a useful degree that has taken me 3 years than I will achieve trying to climb the ladder for the next 3 years.
But I have no money. So I just don't see myself rising above jobs like Sales Administrator, Accounts Administrator, Administration Assistant and the likes of that. I am 30. If they can take no a 21 year old, they will. I need a salary of at least £15,000 to live on. JD is doing what she can to help me. But I am already feeling that tell-tale sign of not caring and nothing being good enough and "It will never change as I am not good enough so I might as well give up trying before I have even started."

I want to succeed in England. I do not want to go back to The Hague because I could not make it here. But it is so much different than what I expected. Much more competitive, much more based on performance. High flyers will do well in this country. People who are modest in their ambitions, like me, run the risk of falling behind and ending up behind a desk in a job they hate.

If you are reading this and you want to give me a job: I like creative things. Marketing or something. I liek a bubbly environment. THis is what depresses me most at the moment: I am alone in the office day after day after day, typing letters and sales proposals. It is not funy when there is nobody to talk to. At all. Oh, and I like sport. So I could be an outdoor instructor. If only I had a diploma in anything else than journalism.

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