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My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

06 October 2005

I am still looking for another job but the market seems to be very very quiet. I do not really want to stay both at this job nor in this town for much longer. JD has started her Masters last week and hopefully this is the last year we spend in this town. There is just not enough work for me here. Well, there is enough work but nothing that I like. It is all office based work. Accounts assistant, sales administrators etc. All boring and not very creative.

JD is thinking of doing a PHD. Just because it sounds so good with her surname. Actually, is three ANY surname that does not sound better with the title "Doctor" in front of it? Anyway, a PHD takes another 3 years. I have no problem with her doing another 3 years at University. But not at this one. Eventhough it is a very very good University, it is the location that forces us to live in a small town.

JD mentioned that perhaps she coudl do her PHD at a University in The Netherlands. They do PHDs in English there. But more importantly, it would mean that I could go back to my old job as a reporter for a regional broadcaster. I miss my old job.

But it got me thinking. If we were to go to The Netherlands and I was to take up my old job, I would feel like having failed at making a life and carreer for myself in England. I owuld feel like having achieved nothing after 2 years abroad. No real extra job experience, no insight into a different possible job market for me, no progression, no promotion. It would feel simply like I have put my life on hold for 2 years whilst waiting for JD to finish University. And after 2 years, no progress has been made in my professional life or in my financial situation.

That thought makes me depressed.

On the other hand, I want to look for another job here in England but as long as JD does not know what she wants to do after her Masters, or where she wants to do it, is it worth me trying to find another job? For all I know, I might not be in the new job for more than a few months. Or, worse even, I might find a job that I really like (yeah right) and then I may not want to leave whilst JD is ready to leave because I told her I wanted to leave!

The best option is for JD to get a job, make a lot of money so that I can just take a nice, low-paid job that I care about. Actually, not a good idea. I suspect that would really dent my pride and self-esteem if I were to become a kept woman.

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