Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

Astrocytoma

About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

Finally

31 March 2005

She is dead. Finally. Poor woman. It is sad that she had to die from starvation. What kind of bullshit is it when the law allows a doctor to remove a feeding tube with the knowledge this will kill someone in the end but it does not allow the same doctor to give the woman medication that will help her die without having to suffer the indignity and pain of starvation.

I remember something similar in Ireland about abortion years ago: Abortion is illegal but it is not illegal for women to travel abroad with the sole purpose of having an abortion as it was considered a woman's right to decide to travel abroad to have it done or not. OK, maybe not very similar but the same kind of hypocrisy.

So what have we learned from all this:

1) George Bush is an asshole who thinks he can just mix religion and politics whenever it suits him
2) The US congress are all assholes as they do not want federal government to meddle in state-affairs yet in this case (as in the case of Gay Marriage) they saw it fit to try and invalidate the laws of the state Florida, in a desperate attempt to keep this poor woman alive.
3) Make a living will. Tell your loved ones what you want. Record it on video or sound so it can not be forged later on. Make it clear if you do or don't want to be kept alive. Spare your family the pain and suffering of having to decide this sort of thing.
4) Legalise euthanasia under very strict conditions (like it is in The Netherlands). It is my life, I want to have the right to die whenever I want to. If my relatives and my doctor are prepared to help me die, they should not be punished for doing something they have been asked for.
Keep Reading: "Finally"

*Choke*

"I don't want to be thought of as wholesome," she said at the time. "Does Mary Poppins have an orgasm? Does she go to the bathroom? I assure you she does."


Excuse me? Julie Andrews has just shattered a childhood fantasy. Mary Poppins and orgasms..... eeeeeeewwwww

Or actually.....I think Mary Poppins is hot. The fact that apparently she has orgasms only proves that. I wonder though: How does Julie Andrews know this? Did they record a scene to try this out? Who has proof of this orgasm-claim? Actually, I am not sure I want to know this sort of thing.
Keep Reading: "*Choke*"

Right to life (For some)

23 March 2005

So President Bush has personally signed legislation that should help gettingthis comatose lady back on the feeding tube again. He broke off his holiday to do this and called a special congress meeting on a Sunday to discuss the bill. Speaking of separating the powers of legislation....my ass. It is disgusting that Bush has gotten involved personally in this case. Or actually, the way he frequently personally involves himself with the justice system when their verdicts do not fit with his religeous fundamentalism.





Terri Schiavo has the right to live. True. She also has a right to die. If she was not fed via a feeding tube, nature would have its way and she would have been dead years ago. So one can wonder what would be God's Will: Keeping this person alive via technology or letting her die the natural way? I am not making that choice, but this principal is applied completely randomly by religeous idiots.

Doctors who switch off breathing machines are accused of killing someone and playing God by deciding on the time of death. But those doctors who put people on ventilators to stop them dying are never told they are trying to stop God's Will.

Can someone explain the difference here? Why is one good and the other one bad? In my opinion, keeping people alive against the course of nature would be much more against God's Will than letting them die at that time that God (or nature) sees fit (i.e. before putting them on machines etc)
Keep Reading: "Right to life (For some)"

The Twickenham Experience

22 March 2005

So I went to Twickenham to watch England trash Scotland in the last match of the 6 Nations. Final score was 43-22. Photos are to follow.

Having never been to anything but football matches, this was quite the occasion for me. I had a really good time. No violence, no aggression, fans just sitting next to each other without problems. That is nice to see but I did sort of miss the idea of having a Scottish Section and an English Section. There is something really nice about sitting in a group with 'your own'. Of course to me it did not matter if Scotland or England were going to win.

So why is it that Rugby seems to be able to do what football is not: keep out the hooligans. Of course there is not as much money in rugby as in football so the stakes are not so high. But maybe it has something to do with who can buy tickets for the matches. If you want to see a rugby match, in most cases you have to be a member of a rugby club. This is the case for all International Matches. The idea behind it is to support the people who are helping rugby at grassroots level. The people who play rugby, coach rugby, make the tea for the players etc. Every club gets allocated a certain number of tickets and their members can buy the tickets.

Of course it means that a lot of people are unable to buy tickets. On the other hand it guarantees that the people who DO get tickets are those with a real passion for the sport. Since the name of their club is printed on their tickets, misbehaving will have grave implications for the individuals and their clubs. Good system if you ask me. Maybe the FA should try this system for the matches of the English football team. Might just stop the hooligans.
Keep Reading: "The Twickenham Experience"

My apologies

16 March 2005

I wish to apologise for all the spelling mistakes and typos in the past 3 posts. As you may understand, I have had very little time and I have not reviewed the logs before posting them. I shall edit them and remove the errors. I am sorry. I know you have come to expect better from me.
For those who are interested: JD. is fine. Bit shocked. Had lots of thinking over the weekend. All we can do is wait. If it is indeed a tumor, it is still too small to even take a biopsy so in the end, the knock on her head at the rugby match may well be a good thing: it brought the problem to light way before it might otherwise have been noticed.

Strange how a lot of jokes and remarks now no longer seem appropriate. Things referring to death, head and brain. Frontal Lobotomy....

I guess we will find a way to joke about these things. Somehow it feels easier to joke about The Thing once we know what it is.
Keep Reading: "My apologies"

Tumour

12 March 2005

scary word isn't it....

you are looking at the doctor, waiting for him to use the word for the first time. You know that when he does, all you will hear from there on out is Possible Death. So let's try and be reasonable about this. Any growth in the brain is a tumor so no need to assume imminent death right away. We are adults, we know how it works, no need to be afraid..

'It might still be a bruise from the knock on your head but it is more likely to be the beginning of a low-grade tumour. It is still very very small so no......'

Tumour...........tumour...........it pounds in my head whilst I try to look relaxed and unconcerned. After all, it is not my brain this is happening to but JD's (who by the way has now become a guest blogger here)

After the consult is over, a friendly nurse repeats what the doctor has said and puts it in perspective: if it is a tumor, it is in its infant stage. So small in fact that they can not even take a biopsy. So they have to wait for it to grow bigger before they can remove it. If it is a tumour. In 6 weeks time, there will be another MRI scan. If the dark patch on the scan has shrunk, it was simply a very hard knock on the head and a brain bruise. If it has not shrunk or even grown, it is a tumour. But for now, let's not worry about it because it is obviously not a very fast growing one.....

And so we drive home. Advised not to go on holiday abroad until the proper diagnosis has been made and with the task of returning straight to hospital if JD feels dizzy, sick, headache or any pressure in her head.

I feel a strange sense of disappointment, although that is the wrong word I guess. This morning, we were told to prepare for a stay in hospital and possible biopsy surgery. You prepare for that, mentally and practically. And then you psyche yourself up all day. Only to hear that you should go home, relax and come back in 6 weeks.

This can not be happening to JD. This doesn't happen to young healthy people does it?
Of course it does. And I know it does. But still, you just don't think she might just be in the small group that gets this.

But let's wait and see. It might just be a bruised brain. For now, we are taking a few days off to the South Coast of England. Walk along the sea front, breathe in the air. Talk, sleep, hold hands. And laugh. Because she makes me laugh.
Keep Reading: "Tumour"

Off to the hospital again...

So JD and I went to the hospital last night to see what the consultant had to say. And it wasn't the good news we were hoping for. On the MRI scan they did a month after her seizure, there was still a black area of 'abnormal' brain size. They do not know what it is. It might be scar tissue from the bump on her head, it might be something else. If it was just swelling from the bruising, it should have gone away by now. But it hasn't.

So she was giving three options: Monitor the area by having a brain scan every 2 months and see if it is a slow growing tumour. Alternatively they can do a biopsy, take some tissue from the brain and see what it is. Or she could go for the Full Monty and have brain surgery to remove it right away.

Great news on a Friday night. Our short holiday to Holland is not happening this weekend because we chose to go for the biopsy. We went home and had a bit of a sniffling session.

Today we are supposed to be at the hospital at 12.30 to see the consultant again. They will try to find her a bed and if they can, they will do the biopsy this weekend. If they can not find her a bed, they will do the biopsy when the doctor comes back from holiday in 2 weeks time. On the positive side, we are aware of the fact that it can not all be too urgent. After all, one of the suggestions was to wait and have a scan every so many months to monitor the thing. Apparently the doctor just wants to get it out of the way before his holiday. Fine by us.

Bugger. Brain + swelling + surgery = death. Well, at least in your mind it is the first thing that you think about.

I know I should write a deep and meaningful, poetic kind of insightful blog about this. But quite frankly, it simply sucks. Poking with a needle in the brain of your girlfriend to see if her brain is seriously wrong or not.....

I am however, hopeful. I am more afraid of the actual biopsy than of the result.

Please send positive thoughts to JD if you can spare a minute.
Keep Reading: "Off to the hospital again..."

Now I am worried

11 March 2005

JD went for an MRI scan about 3 weeks ago. Just to check that she does not have a brain tumour that caused her seizure. She was told that, unless it was urgent, she would get an appointment with a consultant to discuss the results sometime in April. If urgent, she would hear it within 7 - 10 days.

So 7 - 10 days passed and we heard nothing. This was a great relief as JD had spotted on the doctor's note that the MRI scan was to pay particular attention to the possibility of a brain tumour. This had upset JD a lot so when we did not get a call we were pretty relieved.

Until 30 minutes ago. JD got a call from a consultant. He wants to see her on Saturday. JD explained we are going away for 4 days. The consultant said he (or it, essential difference but I do not know which one he meant!) could not wait until our return on Wednesday. So we are now going to the hospital tonight for a consultant with him.

So now I am worried. Why the sudden rush?

I don't want JD to have to see a consultant yet. It.Is.Not.Fucking.April.Yet!!!
Keep Reading: "Now I am worried"

We are not all like that

10 March 2005

I am sick and tired of watching program after program after program showing kids (never adults of course) with ADHD making their parents' lives a living nightmare. Terrorising the family, kicking other people, swearing, abusing siblings, animals, having trouble at school and with the police. And all because they have ADHD.

Never do I see somethign on how people with ADHD are on average more creative, more innovative, very social people. No. Always negative negative negative. Like nothing good can ever happen to a kid with ADHD. Is it too much to ask for TV program makers to show the other side of things? That a lot of kids don't actually have ADHD but are simply the 'victim' of parents who have hasd no control in the household and are now at the end of their tether and are pleased to have an excuse for the behaviour of their kids?

Is it too much to ask, just every once in a while, to show a GIRL with ADHD? Or someone like me, who still has it as an adult, was never a real terror as a child, yes difficult but never hitting siblings, kicking doors in throwing furniture at my teachers. Can we never see an adult with ADHD who takes medication and manages quite succesfully thank you very much, to liev a normal life? Can we never see the pain and suffering adults with ADHD have to go through? How people always say: "I thought only kids had that. You are just maknig excuses for being late for work or not finishing your tasks."

Why why why why why. Sure it is fashionable to have a child with ADHD who is on Ritalin. They are always violent boys makin parents' lives hell. Never do we see the turmoil and emotional distress faced by adults with ADHD why are desperately trying to make their life work. Who desperately want to remember their shopping list. Who desperately try to keep their finances in order but fail due to impulsiveness. Adults who would really love to be able to change their plan without giong through upheavel when things do not go according to plan.

No. We don't see that. Because that does not make good TV. Kids make good TV. kids with screaming parents who are desperate. Violent boys. So we can all blame the parents or say that the kids have ADHD and that explains everything. Because we all know what ADHD means: violence, behavioural problems, aggression, terror.

I am fucking sick of it.
I have ADHD. I don't terrorise people. I m nice, friendly, I workl hard. I struggle to concentrate most of the time but I try because I want to be normal. I may not always succeed but I try. ut since adults apparently don't have ADHD, only a hand full of people aknowledge that maybe I hav to work harder than some other people to fit in and be 'normal'. Being normal takes a lot of effort for some people. Can they please get some fucking credit for it?
Keep Reading: "We are not all like that"

Not cold enough....

03 March 2005

It is cold here. Around +3 Celsius. This, the weather people in Britain tell us is ‘bitterly cold’. Bitterly cold? +3 Celcius? Get real!!! There has been lots and lots of snow in the past 2 weeks. But as temperatures are too high: it is all wasted time. No snowman, no snowballs, no white streets and roads. At least not in Leamington Spa. In Kent, in Scotland, in Newcastle…..white white white. A young boy died after being crushed by a giant snowball up in the North somewhere. But not in Leamington Spa. Heavy snow, melts when it hits the ground. Humbug.

So eventhough this is the first proper snow I have seen in years, it is not making me happy. I turn my attention to the weather in my home country. Holland is not known for its large amounts of snow every winter. So I am feeling smug still that at least I get to see some snow falling this winter. Those poor suckers in Holland don’t get any at all this winter…..

Wrong!!








I am not bitter or angry. NOT…AT…ALL…
Keep Reading: "Not cold enough...."