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Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

The thirst for change

13 March 2006

It is no secret that I am unhappy with my current job.  I want something more challenging. But what? I have always admired people with a dream. People who know exactly what they want and work to get to their goal. I know, there is a downside: if you do not make it, you have nothing to fall back on. But not knowing what you want is just as hard. Employment agencies always ask: What kind of job are you looking for? And my answer really is: I don’t know, something fun, active and creative. And that does not really give them much to work with.

So I am looking for something else that I would like to do. And that is a problem. Because there are so many things I think I might like to do. Because I just like learning new things. So I might like it for the next 3 years but then I might be bored and wanting to learn something new again in 4 years time. So what to do?

Go to University and start a new study? That would cost money and time and with no assurance that I will still enjoy it in 4 years time.

And how would I pay for it? JD keeps saying she wants to contribute to it. But my pride is in the way. Am I just being too proud? I feel extremely uncomfortable with the idea of a 22 y/o student paying for my University. Especially as long as she does not have a job herself. She has been lucky with her parents gathering some really good savings for her so she could afford it I guess but I don’t want her to spend all her savings on me. Not that I don’t have faith in our relationship but what IF we break up in 5 years time? After she has put me through University? She will have no savings left.

But the real truth is that is depresses me greatly to think that I, at 30 years old, would be reliant on a 22 y/o student to help me with my finances. I have improved greatly since I moved here but it is still very hard for me to keep control over what I spend.
(See: Money Management for Adults with ADHD). At 30, I have £1200 to my name and actually that belongs to the government as it is to pay off my University loan.

The only course that would go some way towards solving this pride-problem is Nursing. It is paid for by the NHS. We would have to live on a severe budget for 3 or 4 years, but at least JD would not have to pay for me to do it.

Nursing is interesting. But is it my career? I enjoy playing with computers. So would IT be a career for me? I am fascinated by plumbers. But a career?

So many questions. But even worse: too many answers.

I wish I had a dream job. Something to focus on. I just like too many things. I like to learn all the time. I think I may have come across one of the most difficult aspects of ADHD. I can learn tricks to concentrate better. I can learn tricks that will help me control my finances. But I can not find a way to make myself stop searching for things to learn.  The thought that I might forever be searching for ‘something different’ is quite depressing.


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