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Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

Funny how things go

03 November 2006

Only 2 days ago I wrote about my band doing a nice gig, only for this morning to have written an email announcing I am leaving the band.

No, it is not an impulsive thing, more a case of: this is the right moment.
After my email, apologising for lashing out (a little) on Tuesday, I got a text from the fiddle player, asking him to call him to 'discuss a few things'. At that point, I decided to leave the band.

I did not feel like defnding myself or explaining myself, other than during the normal band-evenings on Tuesday. If there is something that needs to be discussed, then we can do it when we are all there, not in a fashion that makes me feel like there is something that needs to be discussed with ME in particular.

There is an important thing to note about this band: we did not get together as friends, making a bit of music.
I auditioned for a band that did music I liked. They liked my voice (I was in fact the only one that showed up) and I joined because I wanted to be in a band. We did not grow to be friends. Only speaking once a week on Tuesdays for rehearsals that have always been sligthly strained. Too many people in the band are playing songs they don't like, just to keep others happy.

And if you are not friends, and you are also not really enjoying most of the music you are playing, then what exactly is the reason to be in a band?

And so, instead of calling the fiddle player to discuss the things that happened on Tuesday, I emailed him to say I was leaving the band.

I just can not be bothred with doing something that is like pulling teeth, that lreaves me frustrated and angry every week.

I am not saying I was right and they are wrong. But compare it to this: you meet someone and on the first date she says: I don't want kids. You really do want kids. What do you do? Stay togethre and build something, hoping that when it comes to that point, things will magically sort themselves out? or do you say: Well, if that is the case, then we would both be better off finding someone who matches our desires?

I knwo what I would do.

And so left. Because if not now, then we would fall apart in a few months time.

I am far too busy to drag myself away every Tuesday and pay money to play in a band that will fall apart soon.

I'll find another band when I have moved to Northampton. Nothing much lost for me.


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