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Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk


01 November 2006

I am having a re-think about this blog. in the past few days there have been many things I have wanted to blog about. But I haven't blogged about them. Why not? Don't know. Nobody reads this blog so why bother writing things that I am thinking? if I am doing this only for myself, then I might as well stick to mulling things over in my own head without bothering to write them down, right?

But then again, some things are nice to share with the world and with the few family members and friends who read this blog to keep, kind of, track of what is happening in my life.

Hmm...should I start writing observations about The English? Should I stick to my private life?

Hmmm...well, not sure about the private life bit but in any case, I am VERY excited about my sister being pregnant. JD & I are going to be aunties.

Hopefully it is a nice kid that will love sport. My sister is not a fussy type and she has said that if it will be a girl, she will not be 'a girly girl'. Good. I shall take her to rugby games when she visits us.

I don't want kids. I think I am now resonably sure of that. I had to watch a 5 year old girl in the office last week (my colleague's babysitter had let her down and since I have an office to my self at the very end of the building....)

I tried all the Doctor Tanya methods of child raising but the kid still wouldn't listen to me. In the end I just got angry and threatened to put her toy dinosaur through the shredder if she did not retun my fluffy frog to me right away.

That worked.

But being aunty is a different matter. I wat to call my sister every day to see if all is still going well, how she is feeling, is there a scan yet, a picture perhaps. has she given up coffee, alcohol and cigarettes and so on and so on. I am probably worse than my mother!!

Winding up my last 2 weeks at my current job. I have lost all inspiration to be frank and I am not realyl motivated to do anything much at all. I really have to drag myself to the office. Not because I suddenly hate it, but because my mind is already elsewhere, worrying about how good or bad I will be at the new job.

In the mean time, my band, www.threeleggeddog.co.uk, is doing quite well. Had 3 gigs so far and they all went well. Rehearsals are still a bit like pulling teeth sometimes. Somehow I feel that I have been shoved into the role of band leader and I am not sure I like that. I have to nod at the drummer when his bit comes up, I have to nod at the violinist when his solo starts, I have to learn my lyrics, the chords and the melody and finally I have to front the band when we are on stage.

I have no problem doing the things I should be doing (singing, playing and fronting the band on stage) but sometimes I feel that if I do not say anything during rehearsal, nothing will happen. I tried it last night. I got ready, plugged my guitar in, got the mike set up and did not say anything. I waited for someone else to say: Righ, let's play this song or practise that part.......and nothing happened. So I cracked first in the uncomfortable silence.

And in the end, I just said: Look guys, are we doing anything or shall I just go home because I am wasting my time here I feel.

I did apologise for it this morning but still, it is a frustration I have had for a while. I am not saying that I am better than the other guys, that is not the issue. Because I make mistakes and forget the chords, words & endings too......

I don't know.......I am having doubts about where this band is going. Which is a shame because we seem to be doing really well once we are on stage.


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