Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

Astrocytoma

About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

New house

28 November 2006


Meet our new house. It is the flat on the far left corner of the building on the 4th floor. I am WELL happy with it. JD has not seen it yet as she had no time to come to N. at lunch time. So it is a surprise for her too!!
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New job

23 November 2006

very busy but very nice place to work. Time flies during the week. Good blokes to work with, nice and relaxed. Yeah, I can see this happening here.

House hunting this Saturday. Northampton here we come!!
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Craig

08 November 2006

When I leave on Friday, I will have to surpress the urge to send some people in my company an email telling them how I really feel about them. Most people who work here are OK, some are exceedingly irritating and one of them has actually become a really good friend.

But one person stands out in a not so good way. He irritates the hell out of me. And not just me in fact. He is supposed to be Production Manager. I think he does not know what that actually means because he does not produce anything, nor does he manage anything.

He spends most of his time moaning to other people, dissing his line manager, telling everyone how he is so undervalued and poisoning the atmosphere in the business.

Many times people have insisted he gets fired and none of his managers have done so.

He will come into the Sales Office and try to find out how the Sales are going, what projects are we likely to get and wehat not. His excuse is that he needs to know what is in the pipeline so that he can order any parts required.

He never orders sweet fuck all, even when he DOES know. The person who will tel lhim what is in the pipeline will tell him in a weekly production meeting. But because he does not like that person, he comes to us and complains that nobody tells him anything.

He DOES know what is going on. Like everyone else, he too hears loads of stuff through the grapevine. But to him, that is not good enough. His issue is that he has not been told officially. He feels someone should sit him down and say: Here are all the jobs the sales team has quoted for, these are all their probabilities. Now go and prepare your stock.

But since it is not up to him to get stock sorted without the sales team being more than 50% sure of getting a job, he is only on a need-to-know basis for anything that is still under 50%.

Simple, right?

Well, not for Craig (name changed to protect the innocent, and myself). He moans and moans and gets upset when he finds out that someone else knows but not him. He could of course just come up and ask. And we will most likely tell him. But he doesn't. He waits and waits, then comes into the sales office and says: I need to ask you about so-and-so. I have heard things floating around but nobody tells me anything here so what can you tell me?

Fuck off Craig! Go and do everyone a favour: go and work for a different company and stop making mountains out of the tiniest piece of dust. He is a bitter, twisted man who actually disses the company to suppliers who come to the door delivering their goods....

His favorite line is: Nobody ever tells me anything here.

Well, Boo-Hoo! Perhaps it is because you are a fucking useless twat.

*rant over*

And this afternoon he told me he would be missing me when I had gone.

Duh.
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And then it changes again....

07 November 2006

Instead of me leaving the band, the bass player has been told to leave. Turns out that he had a problem with me and that he was thinking of leaving anyway. The fiddle player then persuaded him to stay but when I decided to leave, it was a simple matter of him or me.

Now I did not really want it to become a him or me situation. After all, he apparently had a problem with me, I did not have a problem with him (I think). I just felt it was more his band than mine, hence I should be the one to leave if I was unhappy.

Turns out he felt like they were becoming my backing band, rather than a band without a leader where everyone is equally important. The problem is that this happens a lot when one person (me) is the one doing all the singing and talking on stage. He was more than happy to hide behind a speaker box on stage and let me do the talking. And yet, he was unhappy about me fronting the band on stage?

I am a little confused by all that. I admit I can be quite...well.....in your face. I have tried not to be like that too much and give other members of the band space to take the lead. But all too often I found that nobody wanted to take the lead, resulting in minutes of staring at each other, waiting for someone else to say: Let's get going.

I do not see the band as my backing band. But I AM the ONLY singer in the band. That makes me the focus of the band when we are on stage. That is not my fault, that is the way it is.

So in the end, the fiddle player called me and asked if I would stay if the bass player was to go. I said I would definately give it a shot. And so I am still in this band.

Let's see where this goes now. Hopefully we can now gel together a bit more, get a good new bassplayer in who can help to keep the drummer on track s othat I can ficus on singing and playing guitar and not sing, play guitar, remember lyrics, nod at the drummer when he needs to end the song or look at the fiddle player when it is time for his solo.

It will be interesting.

Stay tuned.
Keep Reading: "And then it changes again...."

Funny how things go

03 November 2006

Only 2 days ago I wrote about my band doing a nice gig, only for this morning to have written an email announcing I am leaving the band.

No, it is not an impulsive thing, more a case of: this is the right moment.
After my email, apologising for lashing out (a little) on Tuesday, I got a text from the fiddle player, asking him to call him to 'discuss a few things'. At that point, I decided to leave the band.

I did not feel like defnding myself or explaining myself, other than during the normal band-evenings on Tuesday. If there is something that needs to be discussed, then we can do it when we are all there, not in a fashion that makes me feel like there is something that needs to be discussed with ME in particular.

There is an important thing to note about this band: we did not get together as friends, making a bit of music.
I auditioned for a band that did music I liked. They liked my voice (I was in fact the only one that showed up) and I joined because I wanted to be in a band. We did not grow to be friends. Only speaking once a week on Tuesdays for rehearsals that have always been sligthly strained. Too many people in the band are playing songs they don't like, just to keep others happy.

And if you are not friends, and you are also not really enjoying most of the music you are playing, then what exactly is the reason to be in a band?

And so, instead of calling the fiddle player to discuss the things that happened on Tuesday, I emailed him to say I was leaving the band.

I just can not be bothred with doing something that is like pulling teeth, that lreaves me frustrated and angry every week.

I am not saying I was right and they are wrong. But compare it to this: you meet someone and on the first date she says: I don't want kids. You really do want kids. What do you do? Stay togethre and build something, hoping that when it comes to that point, things will magically sort themselves out? or do you say: Well, if that is the case, then we would both be better off finding someone who matches our desires?

I knwo what I would do.

And so left. Because if not now, then we would fall apart in a few months time.


I am far too busy to drag myself away every Tuesday and pay money to play in a band that will fall apart soon.

I'll find another band when I have moved to Northampton. Nothing much lost for me.
Keep Reading: "Funny how things go"

Re-think

01 November 2006

I am having a re-think about this blog. in the past few days there have been many things I have wanted to blog about. But I haven't blogged about them. Why not? Don't know. Nobody reads this blog so why bother writing things that I am thinking? if I am doing this only for myself, then I might as well stick to mulling things over in my own head without bothering to write them down, right?

But then again, some things are nice to share with the world and with the few family members and friends who read this blog to keep, kind of, track of what is happening in my life.

Hmm...should I start writing observations about The English? Should I stick to my private life?

Hmmm...well, not sure about the private life bit but in any case, I am VERY excited about my sister being pregnant. JD & I are going to be aunties.

Hopefully it is a nice kid that will love sport. My sister is not a fussy type and she has said that if it will be a girl, she will not be 'a girly girl'. Good. I shall take her to rugby games when she visits us.

I don't want kids. I think I am now resonably sure of that. I had to watch a 5 year old girl in the office last week (my colleague's babysitter had let her down and since I have an office to my self at the very end of the building....)

I tried all the Doctor Tanya methods of child raising but the kid still wouldn't listen to me. In the end I just got angry and threatened to put her toy dinosaur through the shredder if she did not retun my fluffy frog to me right away.


That worked.

But being aunty is a different matter. I wat to call my sister every day to see if all is still going well, how she is feeling, is there a scan yet, a picture perhaps. has she given up coffee, alcohol and cigarettes and so on and so on. I am probably worse than my mother!!

Winding up my last 2 weeks at my current job. I have lost all inspiration to be frank and I am not realyl motivated to do anything much at all. I really have to drag myself to the office. Not because I suddenly hate it, but because my mind is already elsewhere, worrying about how good or bad I will be at the new job.

In the mean time, my band, www.threeleggeddog.co.uk, is doing quite well. Had 3 gigs so far and they all went well. Rehearsals are still a bit like pulling teeth sometimes. Somehow I feel that I have been shoved into the role of band leader and I am not sure I like that. I have to nod at the drummer when his bit comes up, I have to nod at the violinist when his solo starts, I have to learn my lyrics, the chords and the melody and finally I have to front the band when we are on stage.

I have no problem doing the things I should be doing (singing, playing and fronting the band on stage) but sometimes I feel that if I do not say anything during rehearsal, nothing will happen. I tried it last night. I got ready, plugged my guitar in, got the mike set up and did not say anything. I waited for someone else to say: Righ, let's play this song or practise that part.......and nothing happened. So I cracked first in the uncomfortable silence.

And in the end, I just said: Look guys, are we doing anything or shall I just go home because I am wasting my time here I feel.

I did apologise for it this morning but still, it is a frustration I have had for a while. I am not saying that I am better than the other guys, that is not the issue. Because I make mistakes and forget the chords, words & endings too......

I don't know.......I am having doubts about where this band is going. Which is a shame because we seem to be doing really well once we are on stage.
Keep Reading: "Re-think"