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Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk


04 February 2008

I am impulsive. I react instantly when I feel something is unjustified. Sometimes I react too loudly or too intensely. If people have some kind of problem with me, I much rather they come up to me and tell me they don't like me. Fine. I can handle that. I'll stop trying to get you to like me.

Yesterday in a rugby match, I got into some verbal spat with a team mate. For some reason I feel that she seems to have taken a dislike to me. That is fine. We can not all be friends with everyone. People make me nervous though, when it seems they 'just don't like me'. I never understand how to deal with that. And so I tend to react extra strong when something happens between me and that person.

And so yesterday, I had the ball and the ref blew his whistle. But I did not hear that. My motto is: keep going until you are told to stop. This is important because sometimes the referee plays the advantage rule and lets play continue, instead of stopping it. So I kept driving forward, calling for my team mates to drive forward with me. Until someone pulled me back, telling me to stop. But not the way it normally goes. Not: "Stop, the whistle has gone!", the way it normally goes. No, she was telling me off in no uncertain terms for not stopping. I do not remember the exact words but it was along the lines of "what the hell are you doing man! Geez, calm down, the ref had blown his whistle so what the hell are you doing going on like that!"

That really pissed me off as I felt I wasn't doing anything strange. Everyone knows it is hard to hear with a scrumcap over your ears. And so I told her: "What the fuck? Can you not talk normally to me? I am not an idiot! I just didn't hear the whistle. For fuck's sake!" I shook my body away from her and stormed off for a few steps whilst composing myself again. I just felt treated like a child and I just got really angry about it. No problem. I played the rest of the match without talking to her. Stuff happens.

Later that evening I got a phonecall from our captain who wanted to discuss the issue because she had heard I had been involved in a spat with a team mate and some people (of course she could not say who) thought they saw me hit her later during the match. Excuse me?! What the fuck?! Turns out the girl had a split lip after the match and some people thought that perhaps they may have seen that a few minutes after my little outburst, I deliberately took a swing at her in a ruck.

Now a lot of things happen on a rugby pitch and it is not uncommon that you get hit by your own team mates by accident, when lying on the floor or tackling someone. But the suggestion that I had hit her more or less on purpose because I had shouted at her earlier on was just beyond ridiculous. And what's more, nobody had spoken to me about it. No, they had voiced their concerns to the captain who then called me. it was all very vague of course. no accusations but people were 'concerned' and 'thought something might have happened' and when they noticed the split lip, they just thought it might be related.

What a load of fucking shite is that? Does that mean people think I would do such a thing? if so, then I don't know if I want to be in a team with people who think that of me.

I sent the girl a text message, telling her that I did not know how the story got started but that I do not hit team mates. No reply of course. But that is it as far as I am concerned. I will not apologise for something I did not do and I will not apologise for shouting at her during the match as it was just a spat during a match. I'll see how things go at training on Wednesday. if I have the idea people are talking behind my back, I'll be out of there in no time and I won't come back. I refuse to be insulted like that.

Mind you, I have quite a few nasty bruises from the match yesterday. I could always vaguely imply that I think I might know how I got those... (see how ridiculously large that jump is from a bruise to the assumption it might have been deliberate)


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