Caring for someone can be great fun. Especially when they are as witty and sweet as JD. But although she is a lot better than she used to be, it is still like living with a big child in some ways. Asking her opinion one advice on something is pointless as she will change her answer every time you ask. So I basically have to weigh up my own arguments when making a decision as well as well as think: if JD could decide, what would she do? And that can be a very lonely and difficult thing to do. It frequently keeps me awake at night. Did indo the right thing?
Most serious example is this.
JD used to be treated in the university hospital in Coventry because that is where we used to live when all this started years ago. When JD was so poorly, I thought it made more sense to more her treatment to our local hospital. After all, we had to drive for more than an hour to the appointments just to pick up a bag of chemotherapy. With JD being so I'll, this seemed counter productive.
The oncologist said that would not be a problem so this has now been done and Jane is seeing the oncologist in Northampton on monday. But... I remember being told a few years ago that Northampton only pays for a limited number of chemo cycles. In Coventry, there was no limit. So what if this decision I have made leads to JD being denied her chemo in a few months? Did I effectively sign her death warrant by moving her treatment? Is that the price she will have to pay for me giving up on her survival so quickly back in October?
It is so difficult to have to make these massive decisions on my own with nobody to talk things through in detail. I know there are friends and our parents but it is not the same as being able to discuss it with someone who is directly affected by it. Someone who can discuss the pros and cons of these things.
I guess I miss having JD to talk to about the important decisions in our lives...
For now, in will just enjoy the Christmas we get together. I am more hopeful now that it does not have to be her last at all!