What can be said about 2010? It started with a ski trip to Andorra for JD and me and it ended with everyone being grateful that there was another Christmas to celebrate with JD.
This morning, I booked a £150 an hour ski instructor just to spend an hour with JD on the indoor ski slopes of Milton Keynes. JD wants to go skiiing again but I am certain this is a dangerous thing to do. But how can I refuse? How do I tell her: You'll never ski again? Skiing is her absolute favourite thing in the world and I just could not take it when she looked so upset. So I suggested she goes on the baby-slope with a one-to-one instructor. He can then help her and see how well she can still ski. Hopefully JD is able to enjoy the sking, even if it is not the same as flying through the air at Courcheval.
The current chemotherapy regime seems to still be working OK. JD's treatment has been moved from Coventry to Northampton. An MRI is booked for the end of the month and I am very curious to find out how this one compares with the disasterous one from August.
The new oncologist is a nice lady and I am sure she will be much more approchable than the previous one. Good as he was, he did scare us a bit and we did not ask nearly as many questions as we should have. I will ask her this time about a detailed update on the tumour: what is it, what does she expect in terms of treatment and life expectancy etc.
People have been very reluctant this year to wish JD and me a Happy New ear. I guess it is because they are afraid this year won't be a happy one. Maybe they are right. I have thought at midnight: is this the year JD dies? Or will we get more time?
I *know* there are people who are told they have limited time and still they live for years after. I am trying to think of how that kind of life would be. Always living on borrowed time. With JD's loss of brain function, she won't be able to live a 'normal' life so we'll never be able to get back to the way things were. Unless some major improvement suddenly appears. Fingers crossed. I HOPE that will happen but I don't believe in this kind of thing. Which is not to say I have given up hope!!
One thing is certain though. When it happens, we will all be much better prepared. When things went downhill in September, it all went so fast we had no idea what was happening. The old chemo stopped working and the new chemo had no kicked in yet. JD has recovered so much since then that our lives are really quite enjoyable at the moment. This time together is so precious to me. I have time to ask her, as much as possible, the things she likes in life, music she likes to hear, what she still wants to do. I get to tell her how much I love her. We get to spend time together I thought we no longer had. And having this time will make things much better. Maybe even easier.
But hopefully not in 2011.