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My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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A quiet week really

11 May 2011

After last week's issues with seizures, things have settled this week. Kind of. The new anti-seizure medication, Midazolam, is doing its job and JD has not had any problems since.

A couple of nights ago, the catheter she had in stopped working. That is to say, instead of in the bag, the wee just came out the "normal way", bypassing the catheter completely. I called for the evening nurses and they prodded and poked JD with a new catheter. They seemed undecided which of the holes was the correct one (seriously!) and after much prodding and poking without much gentleness, they decided they were still not sure but they would leave the new catheter in and see what happened. The next day, after more bypassing, JD's regular nurse came and re-did it again. After that too did not work, we decided to take it out to give JD a bit of rest. After all, as long as the wee comes out, it doesn't matter if it is via the regular route or via the catheter. A urine sample was sent off to the lab and the result was that JD has a Urinary Tract Infection. So now she is on anti biotics. Meh!

She seems to have more headaches as she is a bit more restless these days. But then again, it might be pain from the UTI. Unfortunately itmis difficult to determine if the morphine she gets is making things better. She is on a small dose and could easily be given more if needed. But I don't want to give her morphine when she does not need it.

Other than these minor issues, things are relatively ok.

On the personal front. I have started to make enquiries about doing a university degree in Adult Nursing in 2012. I have written to several universities asking what their entry requirements are. If I need to do any particular courses before I can start, I will be able to do that this coming academic year. I feel guilty for making steps towards my life without JD. It feels a little as if I am just waiting formher to die so I can get on with things. On the other hand, I think that having a target to work towards will make it easier to pick up "normal" life again, rather than feeling I need to re-organise my life in the first weeks after JD's death.

Eeewwww... I don't like thinking about JD's death and what things will be like afterwards.

4 comments:

Julie said...

Been thinking how to respond to this. Mainly to the last paragraph. Not sure I will get this right.

To me, it is not as though you are waiting for her to die, so that you can get on with things. Yes, realistically, you ARE waiting for her to die, but there is a positive aspect to that. You have accepted the inevitability of Jane's death. This is a positive thing for the both of you because it means that you are not clutching at straws, hoping for a miracle. Deep within you know there is no such thing as a miracle, and the looking ahead is just a manifestation of this. It is not self-centredness, or ego. It is acceptance.

I could imagine little worse than a manic chasing after a miracle medical solution. It would give neither you nor Jane peace, and 'quality' time in these final weeks and days.

Kirsten has given me an article which she thinks might help you, and she would like me to send it on to you. It is not an easy article to read, and you may be over-supplied with this sort of article. It is from the New Yorker.

Our thoughts are with you. Take care.

Dutchcloggie said...

I would be very interested in reading the article so please do send it. Do you need my postal address or is it online/pdf?

You are describing exactly how I feel about things. I was wondering if I really feel guilty for thinking of the future or if I am just wondering if I *should* be feeling guilty. I have decided I don't feel guilty. It is reality. I am not hoping for a miracle. Just for a peaceful, painless death when Jane is ready to let go.

I hope you are doing ok, considering your circumstances. You are in my thoughts as well right now.

Julie said...

Sent it to you by email

Dutchcloggie said...

Got it, thanks. I shall have a read and let you know.

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