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My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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I found a note...

05 June 2011

Going through Jane's things, I found the little notebook we kept with her treatment diary. In this notebook, we wrote all her appointments, what the doctors said etc. That way, when the doctor would ask how long ago her last scan was for example, or what her last known symptom was, we just looked in the diary.

And in the middle of the notebook, I found this note that Jane scribbled in December 2010.
I can only guess what was happening in her head.

"Piri Piri sauce - mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no - totally randommm. Totally random sauce thoughts. It was v. stupid to put your toenail and............."

She wrote this, I assume, after we ate some fish from Sainsbury's that was marinated in PiriPiri sauce. Not sure what the toenail refers to though. Perhaps I did something stupid? Or perhaps she did? Basically, is shows that Jane was really living in the present. She responded to things that were happening right there and then. If you asked her to write down what she did during the day, she would write something about what was going on around her at the moment she was writing.

It is both sweet and devastating to read it. To realise that for a long time, I had no idea what was really going on in her head. Or what made her tick. I just hope I did the right things most of the time.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm very sorry for your loss, and everything that you're apparently going through now. My father died of a GBM IV tumor last August and parts of your story were just so familiar, in a bittersweet way. I hope you find peace.

EvilPixieQueen said...

She would have let you know if you weren't. You know how honest she was, especially when 'living in the now' x

Anonymous said...

Hey meis..
Heel veel sterkte de komende tijd.
Keep your chin up, and your spirit high !. Remember forever, but don't forget to live..

Greetz,
Kim

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