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Being a Widow

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One last look

03 June 2011

I went to see Jane yesterday. She looks peaceful but I felt uncomfortable and stayed only 30 seconds. I saw her on Monday in the hospice of course but then she was Jane who is dead. Yesterday, she seemed to be a dead body that used to be Jane. Big, big difference.

I shuffled around the table but I could not bring myself to look at her face. I wanted to but I was afraid I would be unable to see her in any other way in my memory. And so my memories of her were more important than my immideate emotions. I decided that the memories will be with me forever so if they were somehow spoilt by the need to take once last look, I would forever regret it.

So I closed the door and left her for the very last time.

5 comments:

It's OK to be WEIRD! said...

So sorry for your loss! I can only imagine your hurt. It's probably a good thing for yourself that you didn't have that last look - some people feel the need to see them one more time, and some just don't want that to be the last memory. Again, I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm just a friend of a friend. You probably don't even remember meeting me. I rememeber meeting you and Jane once. I was so very sad to hear the news, and I have been reading through this blog with tears in my eyes. I am sending my love and wishes to you and to everyone who loves Jane. I don't know what else to say, except that you have so many people who you don't even know, who care. Stay strong. xxx

Dutchcloggie said...

Thanks fornthe kind words. We met once? I am intrigued. Where? When? Who? :)

Katrina said...

Hi, I followed your link from MW website, and have been reading through some of your blog. This one struck a chord in me because when I went to see my husband at the funeral home I only stayed ten minutes or so too. I felt there was a kind of emptiness there, it was his body but his soul wasn't there any more. I knew that his soul/spirit whatever you want to call it was at home with me and the kids. I tucked a letter I'd written to him into his left hand and kissed him on the lips, told him I would see him back at home, and left. I felt ok about leaving him because I knew it was only his shell. I had expected to be devastated but I wasn't. That's not to say I am ok now, still having ups and downs, it's almost 5 weeks since he died, and his funeral was on 9th June, so still very early days.

Thank you for writing this blog as it does help to read through another person's experiences and see you are not alone and going mad! Keep in touch on MW too xx

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's the worst thing in the world to lose the love of your life. Mine lost his life 4 years ago in a RTA, but he was my ex husband. I only found out about it last August. Still trying to get my head round it.
When my dad died 6 years ago I went to see him a few hours later (having travelled 400 miles and just missed him by a few hours). I felt the need to see him one last time, but wish I hadn't. It was like looking at a shell and the image haunted me for quite some time. Better to have remembered him looking well just 3 weeks earlier. I'd know better next time.
Wishing you peace in time.

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