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Being a Widow

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Am I doing too well?

02 July 2011

I know everyone is different. I know there was a long period before Jane died where I have probably already mourned without really noticing. I know I might still be in the numb/denial stage.

But still.

It is a month since Jane's death and I am doing fine. I am lonely and life is boring but it does not seem much worse than when I was single, before I met Jane. I have my memories of Jane all around me and I miss her. I like looking at pictures of us but I struggle to feel anything when looking at pictures from before she got ill. I remember the days but I don't remember the emotions that went with those days.

I feel SAD but not upset.

And this confuses me. This makes me upset. This makes me cry. Even as I am typing this, I am crying. I WANT to be more upset. I WANT to feel a need to cry. Jane was wonderful and deserves it that someone is completely gutted and devastated by the hole she left behind.

Instead, I feel guilty about not feeling too badly. As if I am moving on already and that is somehow wrong. Surely she meant more to me than just a month of mourning? I am not worried that OTHER people judge me on the depth of my sadness. No, this is me judging me.

Because if I don't feel like a total wreck without her, does that mean that perhaps I did not love her as much as I thoght I did? Surely if I loved her that much, I would be totally distraught and unable to think about anything but Jane all day?

I am in floods of tears now from writing this. Why? Why am I not in floods of tears about Jane very often? I have little crying spurts that last a minute or so. But when I think about how upset I am about not being upset enough, it reduces me to tears.

Everyone tells me that the blogs I wrote during Jane's illness and the blogs I write now show how much I loved Jane. They say that the way I cared for Jane shows how much I loved Jane. Really? I just did what I assume anyone would do for their wife. And then I just wrote it down. I did not think about why I did t. I just did. Because I thought that it was the right thing to do. How can I take that as proof of how much I loved her?

I KNOW I loved her an awful lot. But how can I be so heartless now that she is dead and feel ok so quickly? Doesn't that make me a heartless person? Doesn't that just show a kind of "out of sight, out of mind"? Am I really that shallow? Am I upset now because I have just realised I am a shallow person, that I am disappointed in myself?

Or are the tears that are rolling down my cheeks at the moment actually tears of love, for the loss of Jane, but in a different disguise?

Perhaps I need some councelling to sort this out.

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