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Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

Astrocytoma

About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

A good start

14 July 2011

It does not happen often in our lives that we get the chance to completely stop what we are doing and re-assess our future. When it was clear Jane was not going to be with me for much longer, I started thinking about the rest of my life. Jane would be pissed off if I spent it in a job that I did not love, regretting what could have been. So even before Jane died, I knew what I was going to do: I was going to try and become a nurse. I have always wanted to be a nurse. I even applied to uni after school but did not go through with it because I was scared of the maths & sciene.

I checked the requirements and was told I need to get a Level 2 maths & English qualification.

Today I spoke to the university admission tutor for adult nursing and she told me I am a perfect candidate but I would also need a GCSE (high school qualification) in biology.
Today I did the English exam and passed with only 1 error. Next week I do the maths exam. Unfortunately the biology course will take a year, one night per week.

I want to make Jane proud of me. I want to try and do what she always said I should do. This is my chance to do what I dreamt of. To study. That is what Jane would want. I don't want to go back to my normal life and regret it later.

I am so bad at maths and science. I am scared I will fail. But I will try my hardest. If I fail, at least I will have tried.

So today was phase one: the English exam. It was laughable, so easy. So I passed with only 1 mistake in 40 questions. I asked if I cold re-sit the exam as that one mistake really annoyed me. Next week there is the scary maths exam. And then I have a year to get a biology GCSE. In the mean time I am hoping do work as a carer to get back to working again. But today was a good start of the next phase of my life.

It will be a long, difficult road. But I am ready for it. If I fail, so be it. But there are no excuses anymore. No reasons not to try.

I just regret Jane won't get to see me do it. But she'll be with me all the way.

I miss you, liefie.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so bad at maths and science.

I find maths and science a challenge.

There - fixed that for ya.

didds

Lornz said...

Hi Marieke - I am a Merry widdow of 2.8 yrs.... I still read there even though I dont post much anymore but that is how I found your blog. Anyway,not about me here.... I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss but I am happy that you have a plan for your future! and so now I offer you what may be a little more inspiration by way of a true story of my friend James who wanted to be a nurse for most of his life but settled for being a care giver in a private nursing home for the elderly because he didnt think he'd ever be able to get past the biology and math etc. Well, my lovely James left his adopted Island home of 15 years after he and his lover split and went back home to London without a plan and at 40+ decided to enroll in nursing school!! Today he is a full RN (with honours)and is off to a wonderful job in the channel Islands one year after graduation!!! All he had to start with was a high school education so just goes to show what we can do with a little determination and a calling that is too strong to resist!! good luck to you!! You will do it too!! for Jane but more than that, for yourself!! Happy that you found MW - although they are sadly a whole new bunch there today when i found MW it was literally my saviour! If you would like you can mail me at lornzkm@gmail.com ...... peace L

7TheGreen said...

Hi, I wasn't lucky enough to know your Jane, and I only "know" you through Twitter. But it's been a lovely experience to read your blog - not because you're dad and hurting, but because I can relate to so much of it on so many levels. So thank you for sharing. Jane will be proud of you, not only for the care and compassion you will one day give others as a Nurse, but because you had the guts to follow your dream and be true to yourself. In doing something for "you", you're also doing something for Jane - because she loved you. "What we were, we are. What we had, we have. " x

Dutchcloggie said...

Thanks Lornz & 7thegreen.

I know Jane would be proud of me. It is the reason I am doing this. She hated slackers and hated my natural instinct to moan but not act to make a change. I want to be different now. Live life and not waste a moment. Do something to make her proud.

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