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Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

A sad reminder

27 July 2011

Just found this video, shot on the morning of Jane's last MRI scan in January. We hoped the result was positive. We expected the result to be positive. She was doing so well...



Instead, the result was a devastating blow: more tumours in new locations and no hope at all to stop it. The oncologist optimistically gave us a year or so when she must have known that was not realistic. Even so, I am glad she did not say: a few months.

4 comments:

Julie said...

They are sort of between a rock and a hard place, aren't they. It is not just the physical that keeps us going.Your mourning is helping you to sort all this through. There is a slight difference in your point of view here. I don't think it is a case of 'getting over it' - more that you are giving JD room within you yet still allowing room for you.

I love the way you led Jane with your 'questions' - so full of love and tenderness.

Have you done the maths yet?

Dutchcloggie said...

I like that way of looking at it: room for Jane and room for me.

Jane was unable to have 'spontaneous' cnversations, due to the tumour invading the various parts that control reasoning, logic, information processing etc. She never spoke unless spoken to and asked a question. So I could only ask her 'closed' questions. I did develop a knack for it without steering her too much towards a particular answer.

It somehow makes me happy that you feel this was loving and tender.

I guess on some level I recognise this in our relationship towards the end. Watching videos or looking at pictures from the last 9 months really fills me with warmth and love, more so than stuff from when she was "normal". She became so completely innocent and trusted me completely. And I felt so privileged. I guess in a way I now understand why peolple love their little kids so much...

Dutchcloggie said...

Ps: yes, I passed the maths test. But only because it was multiple choice and I guesstimated the answers. Now have to do a year of biology to get a high school-level diploma for that.....

Julie said...

*grin* ... Maths is a challenge.

I suspect you will enjoy, and be good at, the Biology. You know a lot about it already, if I am right.

I am off to have morning coffee with my girls. Not long to go now ...

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