Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

A sad tally...

30 July 2011

Today is 2 months since Jane died. I have referred to that in a number of posts on my blog and on Facebook. So it's not like nobody knew.

Number of phonecalls to let me know people were thinking of Jane or me: 1 (from my parents)
Number of emails to let me know people were thinking of Jane or me: 0
Number of text messages to let me know people were thinking of Jane or me: 0
Number of Facebook comments to let me know people were thinking of Jane or me: 1
Number of blog comments to let me know people were thinking of Jane or me: 0

Nuff said...

I'm out of here. Good night.


Nancy said...

It is not like they dont't care, because they do. I 've never had the pleasure of meeting Jane, but i think that she is a wonderful woman due to your stories about her and you seem like a really nice persoon too. ( i only met you in school years ago) They won't forget her or you. It is just hard to think of something to say. They dont want to upset you. Perhaps they were grieving too. Keep your chin up. Everybody who knew Jane loved her and they wont't forget a person like that any time soon or you!
Groetjes van Nancy

Paper Roses said...

Hello, i have been reading your blog and feel really bad for yoy today... i know what its like to be deserted by so called family and friends, i have stage 4 lung cancer 49 and never smoked, i have been living with this for 1 year and slowly the people who i thought were part of my life have almost dwindled away to nothing, i have my amazing lovely caring husband, we have been together for 31 years.
You are a great person, i can feel your love for your wife so strongly, please God you will be ok in the end, years from now.
I dont know how my husband will carry on when i go....
I will carry on following you and try to offer you support if i can, as long as i can.
Love to you, Debbie.xxx

Dutchcloggie said...

Thanks to both of you for the nice comment.
I don't thnk people forget about me. If I am honest, Jane & I did not have all that many friends when she was still alive & healthy. We had a lot of aquaintences. I guess the difference between an aquaintence and a friend just becomes obvious when you really needyour friends: you wish you had more friends; made more effort to be friends with more people.

I guess I just hoped that more people would make a specific effort to let me know they are still thinking of Jane. But if they weren't close friends with a lot of contact before, why would I expect them to be now?

Because I need them more.

And also, people don't know what to say so most of the time, they choose to say nothing. Which is the worst option of all. Something that I have toldpeople many times. It is not about what you say. It is about knowing you care. So just a text, email or comment to say: hi, I'm thinking of you today.... That would be enough.

Debbie, I am so sorry you are in this situation. When Jane had her brain surgery in 2005, she wrote me a letter, n ase the surgery went wrong. When she died, I knew there wold not be a letter this time as her cognitive functions had deteriorated so much over the space of her last 10 months. But I still get immense comfort from reading the letter she wrote 5 years ago. So if there is any tip I can give you that might help your husband, it is: write to him. Write him something he can hold on to. Because for me, when I read it, it feels asif Jane is talking to me. And it really helps me.

You are in my thoughts, Debbie. X

Julie said...

Yes, the trying not to upset or say the 'wrong' thing is a big factor. For me it is.

But also,I know you blogged about it, but there are many posts where you are working through things, and need respectful silence. I think.

Dutchcloggie said...


Trust me, silence is worse than saying the wrong thing. However, I understand what you mean. In this case though, I was referring specifically to the fact that on the day, nobody said anything at all. I realise some other blog posts are hard to respond to and i do not 'need' a response because indeed often I am working through things.

But people often make it too complicated. All I need to know, more than anything, is that people still care. I don't need a long discussion. Just something to make me feel less alone.

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