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Testing myself

10 July 2011

Jane & I used to get cheese & crackers and watch the F1 races on Sunday. As we all know here, enjoyment of food isone of the first things to go.

I thought I would try and eat cheese & crackers again today as Jane's death surely has not changed my taste buds? I knew this was going to be a bad idea when in the cheese shop Jane & I used to visit, I barely held it together and ran away crying as soon as I had paid.

And yet I sat down today, cheeseboard & crackers ready, F1 on tv. And as soon as I picked up the knife I just wailed. How lonely I felt sitting there. How pathetic I felt for even trying. I can not possibly enjoy this anymore without Jane. I knew this and yet I tried.

The other day, a friend of mine said that it seemed as if I was testing myself. Going to the supermarket when I could order online. Cheese & crackers when I knowit will be hard. Going out to the pub when I know I will miss Jane. Spending time with friends, even if they are couples. Next week I have booked a maths exam for a Level 2 nummeracy course and after that an English exam. She said I did not need to do that testing because it has only been 6 weeks.

But I feel: i will have to do it some day so I might as well do it right away. Like they do when you have a car accident and they say you should get behind the wheel as soon as possible.

Maybe I am hoping for the short shock therapy: make it as hard as possible as soon as I can and get through the grieving asap.

How do you guys feel about that?

One thing is sure: only 3 weeks ago I thought I was doing ok. But you were all right and I was wrong. I WAS numb. And now I'm not numb anymore. And it is just getting harder.

I need my friends more than ever. I need that phone to ring because I can not do this on my own.

2 comments:

Al said...

Hey, I'm at six months and one day, for the most part i'm doing alright (apparently!) We were like you and Jane, really liked our food and always I'd cook a proper dinner every night when I got home from work and B would cook at weekends, up to now I've still not been able to cook roast beef, roast spuds and veggies, in fact I only started eating spuds again last week and I've not cooked a vegetable since B died - I've cooked everything else I think but can't do his ultimate favourite yet, so what I'm trying to say is it's good to test things, you have to know if you can do stuff and there's no shame in crying over it, I think it's great that you went to the cheese shop and then sat with your crackers to watch F1 - I've done many things that were difficult over the last few months and you don't know you can do them till you try, so keep trying it does get a tiny bit easier each time you do it. Sending you strength and love on this the most difficult of journeys
Al x

Dutchcloggie said...

Hi. Thanks for your very kind words. The cheese shop was a bit unfortunate because i was going to run in, get cheese and run out. But there was a coule in front of me that took about 10 minutes... So i stood there forever, getting more and more upset. The shop man knows me and started rushing the other clients so what should have been a 2 minute visit became a 15 minute nightmare!

The cheese was ok I guess. But not as nice as I remembered.

I know it will get better. I don't mind doing stuff that makes me cry. I like "feeling" things. I prefer crying at times to constantly feeling numb and flat.

Maybe cooking should start by inviting friends and cook B's favourite meal together?

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