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Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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An accidental holiday

15 August 2011

I had told myself after Jane's death that I would not be able to go on a camping holiday on my own for a long while. We used to love it so much so it was too much for me to contemplate doing it on my own. Too many happy memories to make me sad.

However, kind of accidentally, I seem to be going on a 10 days trip on Wednesday and I am getting a bit scared.

I am going to work at The Green Man Festival in Wales for 5 days. I'll be camping but because I am working, I did not see it as camping but more as living in a tent for a while.

However, I also want to go to Cornwall to learn to surf so I reasoned it would be easiest to drive from Wales to Cornwall, do a few days surfing and then go home again. Again, I did not see the surfing thing as much of a holiday because initially I was going to stay in a hostel and it was only 3 days. But since I will have my tent in the car, it would be throwing my money away to go in a hostel. However, due to various other things, I won't be able to go surfing before college starts if I don't go next week.

So now these two non-holidays have combined to a 10 day trip away from home and it is looking suspiciously like a holiday on my own. The camping gear is lying around the house, I am packing tent and sleeping bag etc. I will be cooking my dinner and breakfast on the Camping Gaz stove we bought in France, sleep on the airmatress we last slept on at the Edinburgh Fringe lat year...

And since I have realised this, I have become really scared and upset by it. I am not sure I am ready for a 'proper holiday' on my own.

I am not afraid of the festival because I will be working And if I find it difficult on my own, I will just take on some more shifts to keep me busy.

But the surfing makes it a proper trip rather than a long weekend to Cornwall, if that makes sense. But otherwise it is a 6 hour drive from my house and that does not make sense for a few days.

So logically, it makes perfect sense. But emotionally, I have suddenly become really scared...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

i can totally understand why that would be a overwhelming... i remember going away when grieving and having moments of utter panic and "sh!t, how am i gonna get through these moments..." and then an hour later, i'd be outwardly composed again & semi enjoying my own company. bizarre. i found it helped me to think that if i really hated it, i could always slip off back home... and i think i did text friends a lot just to share updates...

as an aside, i would maaaasssively recommend surfing in cornwall as an amazing experience.. possibly a bit frustrating at first but it's a great feeling being out in nature and getting battered by waves :) really freeing and refreshing.

wishing you peace in whatever you decide to do. caz x

Dutchcloggie said...

Thanks Caz. Yes, I am going and I'll just see how I get on.

The strange thing is that being on my own is far less scary than being surrounded by people I don't know with no "escape". Although I will be sad, I do feel like I am at all times in control of what I do. I am just hopung that I can enjoy the surfing when I am doing it. That way I will at least have fun for a few hours.

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