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I will be fine

10 August 2011

Happy birthday to me.

It is 10 weeks since you died. I miss you so, so much. I cry for you every day. I am sorry to say though that I don't cry for you ALL day, every day.

Yesterday I saw A. for my first session of grief counseling. I used to love it when you played flute with her as music therapy. But then again, I used to love watching you do virtually anything. I like that I don't have to go through the whole process of getting to know the conselor before starting the therapy.

The session was good. Hey, I got to talk about you as much as I wanted. I find it hard to describe how incredibly difficult it is to deal with you no longer being a part of my future without bursting in to tears. I'll probably have half a dozen sessions. I just need to get an idea of how to get on with my life, now you are no longer here.

I think I am actually doing ok. I go out, I see friends, I do stuff. I am living. I am not grief stricken. Stricken as in: incapacitated by grief. I miss you in everything I do but it does not stop me doing it.

Tonight I went bowling with 6 people I had never met before. Organised through a website for people who want to meet other people in Northampton for friendship & activities. The bowling was a nice enough activity but when we finished the games and sat down at the bar for a chat, I found it overwhelming and difficult. I got through it as I did not want people to think I was rude. I was the first to leave. Oh, and did I mention I even went for pizza on my own in Bella Italia before I went bowling? And I did not even feel miserable. Probably because I was reading a book at the same time. But still...

For a first time, only 10 weeks after you died, I think I did pretty damn good, actually. In fact, I think overall I am doing pretty good. You told me you wanted me to get on with life; be happy again as soon as possible. I am working on it. I just need to find a way to get on with life and yet still hold you close. But don't worry, Leafy Lief. I'll be fine. I miss you. I love you. Always.


Unwinding Janis Ian/Kyle Flemming

The hours pass, the night unwinds
You left my heart a beat behind
Time is a friend and a foe
I never dreamed you would go
Love is a clock unwinding

'round and around
'til the feelings run down
I toss and I turn
'til I'm all tired out
I know I told you not to worry,
I'll be fine
It's just a matter of the heart,
and that takes time to unwind

I saw your sister yesterday
We couldn't find a lot to say
I took an apartment downtown
I'm getting used to it now
Leaving the past behind me

'round and around
'til the feelings run down
I toss and I turn
'til I'm all tired out
I know I told you not to worry,
I'll be fine
It's just a matter of the heart,
and that takes time to unwind

7 comments:

Julie said...

Happy birthday!! Golly aren't we both ageing ...

What book were you reading?

Dutchcloggie said...

Not aging. Just growing ever wiser. Happy birthday to you too.

I was reading (on the ipad) "About grief & grieving" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. It is a really good book because it explain what grief is and why you have to go through it. Most "self-help" books try to tell you how to get through it but I feel I need to know what the function of grief is to be able to know how to handle it.

Julie said...

'The function of grief' - that is an interesting perspective. Would you like to share some of EKR's ideas on the topic?

Dutchcloggie said...

Erh.....not really. I am not really up for a well-argued discussion. My blog posts are emotions and thoughts that I write literally as it comes out of my head. So if at some point I spontaneously have the urge to write something about it, then I will. Does that make sense? It currently serves me no emotional purpose to have a discussion, no matter how interesting it would be. It would be a discussion for the purpose of interesting discussion; verbal jousting. And I just do not have the mental energy for that right now. That is not the same as not bothered. I can hardly think straight, let alone construct an argument.

But the book is certainly worth a read.

Dutchcloggie said...

Hmmm.. That sounds harsher than I meant. I have not finished the book yet, not even half way through so I can't give an idea of what the complete point is. And indeed secondly, I am not really up for a well-constucted point. I can hardly organise my shopping list :)

baili said...

happy birth day

Anonymous said...

Dear Dutchcloggie

I feel your pain..I have read your posts which remind me so much of what I went through when I suffered my loss...a tear on your cheek..such 'transient evidence of enduring love'
(Rosie Furber). Please know that I, a stranger, am thinking of you. Please don't be hard on yourself. Karin

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