Lately however, I can't say it without crying. In front of complete strangers. Every time.
What is going on? It isn't the fact that it has suddenly hit me. It is the fact that it is slowly infiltrating every single part of my life. It pops up in everything I do.
I have realised this evening that there is a difference. When someone asks me why I am moving house, I can state a fact: my wife died and I need to save money.
However, when Jane's death is an explanation for my 'weakness' or an emotion, I can't say it without crying. Because it is not stating a fact. It is revealing something about my emotions.
This evening, just before Maths class, I walked up to two ladies with whom I had a little snappy exchange last week. I apologised for snapping at them (even when it wasn't my fault). I just wanted to say I was in a bad mood.
Instead I said: I was in a bad mood because my wife died and I am trying to get my life back together and I am feeling pretty shit most of the time so I am sorry I snapped at you I am not usually like that.
And I was in tears as I said it.
Later on, I spoke to the Maths teacher and I wanted to ask about absence. I wanted to know what the repercussions are if I miss a class. He asked why I seemed to think about missing classes in advance. So I wanted to say that I might not always feel up to going.
Instead I burst into tears again when I said: my wife recently died and I am not always feeling up to leaving the house so if it happens on a maths night, I might not make it to class and I don't want to get in trouble for it later.
I think this is all because it seems I have become more aware of the deeper emotional impact of Jane's death. Impact beyond the loneliness and the physical absence.
The insecurity when making decisions, when the person you trust most is not there to help.
The fear of spiders and the knowledge that nobody will solve it for you and hug you afterwards.
I miss doing nice things for the person I love and seeing her smile. Making someone happy is a deeply emotional and satisfying thing. I miss it.
Maybe these things are emerging now, slowly, because I am trying to return to normal life. So I come across every day situations where I never really thought of Jane because she was just there. What to have for dinner. What to watch on tv. What to do on a Saturday.
Shit. This post is not very coherent. In my head I had planned a well constructed post but clearly the thoughts are not crystalised yet. Maybe more later when I know what I am actually trying to say.
The bottom line is that I am a lot more teary these days. And that I really would like more crying with friends. But somehow I have started to feel like I am burdening people if I still talk about Jane so much.
I used to enjoy listening to the Indigo Girls in the car. Jane and I would sing along in 2-part harmony. Just after Jane died, I could listen to the music and remember the joy. These days, I can sing along but all I hear is the emptyness of a voice that is missing. And so I cry. But I don't stop singing. I usually end up shouting along to the music in tears.
The song "I believe in love" is about a couple trying to find common ground again and fighting for their relationship. It did not apply to Jane and me. But it had the following lines:
Most of what will happen now is way out of our hands
So just let it go, see where it lands
At that point, we would always take each other's hands and smile at eachother. We knew what we were saying there. We knew what was waiting for Jane around the corner.
Cheesy video alert for this song.