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Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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The end of Phase One

01 September 2011

I have decided I am done with Mourning - Phase One.

Three months after Jane's death, I am ready to move on to Phase Two. Things that are still part of Phase Two:
  • Unexpected crying
  • Feeling excruciatingly lonely, especially in the evenings
  • Feeling like my heart has been ripped out
  • Missing Jane
  • Getting upset when thinking of all the things Jane never got to do
  • Talk about Jane all the time and managing to sneak a reference to Jane in to just about every conversation
  • Crying when thinking of all the pain and anguish Jane had to suffer in her life, living with death hanging over her for 6 years
Basically nothing much changes. Apart from one thing.

From today on, I am done with wastinng my time doing nothing. For 3 months I have given myself permission to do very little in regards to the future. Yes, I have enrolled on my GCSE course and done some holiday things etc. But there is more to do.

So Phase Two includes a return to normal life. In the next few weeks that means:
  • Completing my UCAS application
  • Completing my job application form to be a home carer
  • Looking around for jobs in case I don't get to be a home carer
  • Buying the books I need for my course
  • Making lists of questins for the University open days
  • Research funding for university in 2012
  • Making more effort to cook myself decent meals at least twice a week
  • Make a bigger effort to show interest in other people's lives
  • Keep more on top of the whole probate situation
  • Organise a benefit gig to raise money for the Cynthia Spencer Hospice
Actually, it seems to me that Phase Two might be harder than Phase One! It includes everything I did in Phase One and simply adds more responsibilities but with less sleep.

Once again it is clear that grieving is not a linear process. I'll still need lots of help and support from all my lovely friends and family. BTW, I know I am not the only one mourning Jane so please don't feel like you can not talk to me about her because you feel my pain is worse than yours. It's different but not less valid. In fact, it is nice to know she is missed by others too. I am planning a birthday gathering on Jane's birthday, December 2nd, so if you want to come and celebrate Jane's life, put it in your diary now.

5 comments:

HB said...

Marieke: Just listening to you on the radio. So nice to be able to put a voice to a name. Hxx

HB said...

And you sound brilliant and positive and lovely. xx

Dutchcloggie said...

Oohh... Thanks. They made me hang on for half an hour and then only gave me 3 minutes. Now i'm afraid I sounded a bit like I want to start dating again right away and that I am just looking forward to putting the past behind me. Which is not the case of course.

HB said...

No you didn't, you sounded positive. Got a bit of a shock with the next caller who was calling from Barbados! Can't get away from it. Thought you came over very well. xx

Dutchcloggie said...

You know, I thought about you when I heard that. How the internet connects us all in the strangest ways. I met Jane online (they read out my text about meeting Jane in the ER newsgroup as well!) and now that she is gone, I meet all kinds of people online who help me get through this.

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