We want the wound to heal but we seem to want a nice big scar to remind us how much it once hurt
Lately I have been crying a bit more regularly than before. About different things and with a different intensity. Previously the crying was mostly about the raw pain of the loss. The feeling of loneliness and the hole Jane has left in my life. Now it is more about specific things that remind me. A song, a tv show, a memory.
So does that mean I am healing?
I have addressed the strange conundrum of unwanted healing before. I want to heal. I want life to get better again. I want to be able to think of Jane without bursting in to tears. I want to think of a future without feeling guilty for even thinking about happiness that does not involve Jane.
And yet, I feel a sense of panic every time I realise the healing is happening. Not guilt really. But sadness. The healing train of life thunders on. I have no say in how fast it is going. I only know I can not get off because that would be disasterous. Sometimes it pauses at a station for a bit but it can not stay in the same place. I need to move on.
But seeing Jane not coming along on the trip, seeing her fall further behind, is distressing. I want the healing to stop. I don't want Jane to slip away from me.
But wait, did I not just say I want to feel better? I do. So why am I distressed about feeling better?
I think it is the realisation that Jane's memory is no replacement for Jane actually being alive and with me. A memory simply does not evoke the same feelings of love, joy, pleasure or sadness. And I miss feeling that. I miss the feeling in my stomach I used to get from just looking at her. I miss the physical surge of love, the overwhelming sense of adoration I used to get when I held her hand. So I have to say goodbye not only to Jane, but also to the strong emotions she evoked in me. And it seems I can not pick and choose. I can not say: I want the sadness to go away but hold on to the love and joy. It is all or nothing.
I don't like feeling sad. But I don't mind crying. Because it means Jane is not completely gone. It means she still evokes strong feelings. And in the future, the feelings her memory evokes will be less strong. Less overwhelming. The wound heals.
But I want a nice big scar. Just so that when I look at it, it helps me remember how deeply I felt for her once.
And how she will never be forgotten.
And if you'll excuse me, I'm off for some tears as writing this blog post has made me feel very upset.