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Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

Not bothered

07 September 2011

I need to get going with my life. Need to stop spending my savings and get a job. I need to sort out my university application. Why am I finding this so hard? I am full of ideas but despite that, I am constantly doing nothing about all this. Lethargy, lack of concentration, maybe a small bit of depression all seem to fight with my wish to get on with life.

Let's see why that might be.

I have an underactive thyroid says the result of the blood test. Some of the symptoms are:
  • Tiredness
  • Depression
  • Slowness of body and mind
  • Weight gain

I have recently lost my wife and am mourning. Some of the symptoms are:
  • Tiredness
  • Depression
  • Weight gain
  • Listlessness
  • Forgetfulness
  • Lack of concentration

I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Some of the symptoms are:
  • Lack of initiative
  • Lack of concentration
  • Trouble starting & finishing projects
  • Procrastination

Can you see a pattern here? It seems that the combination of these three things is making it really hard for me to get going again. Before Jane died, I only had ADHD to make my life hard. When I was single, I was hard to motivate but living with Jane gave me just enough of a prod to get up and get things done. Now two things with similar symptoms have been added.

Living on my own means I am the person who suffers from the problems mentioned above, and yet at the same time I am supposed to be the person who provides the motivation to get over these symptoms. I hate living on my own. It is boring and not having a 'motivator' around means I do little, achieve nothing and blame myself for lack of achievement.

I used to be on Ritalin tablets to control the ADHD. These really made a difference. I am now with a different GP and this GP is not prepared to prescribe Ritalin because it is not officially licenced for adults in the UK.

So at a time when I need help the most, I am being denied medication my previous GP has been prescribing me for years. I have sent him letters from the diagnosing doctors in Holland but so far, no luck.

But solving the problem requires me to get up and motivate myself to act in an organised way.

Take this blog post. Today I was originally going to hawk my CV around some employment agencies. But just before I left the house, I wanted to check my email and now it is almost two hours later and I have surfed the web, posted on various messageboards, found a site about adult ADHD and wrote this blog post. It is now time for lunch so by the time I am ready to leave the house, it will be 3pm, providing something doesn't distract me first.

So every day I have lots of things on the To Do List. Every day I am lucky to get 1 thing done. Every day I am annoyed with myself for not doing better. Every day I am worried that my lack of Get Up And Go will mean I am going to run out of savings soon.

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