15 September 2011

A student again

I want to be a nurse.

I have always wanted to be a nurse but was scared off by the science component of the course. I still am. After having cared for Jane, I know I would be an excellent nurse. However, I am very scared of having to go to university and study science.
Words can not express how scared I am of this. Science and maths were not just difficult at school. They drove me nearly off the cliff. Endless hours were spent on tears and private tuition. Although never diagnosed, I would not be surprised if it turns out I actually have a learning disability regarding numbers.

The issue seems to be related to not being able to understand 'what it all means'. I understand logic but not if it makes no sense. I was good at debating at University. That is logic. And yet I had to re-sit my exam on statistics 4 times before reaching the passmark of 55%.

Linguistic logic makes sense. For example:

If it rains the streets get wet.
These words make sense because I can imagine this.

In maths, you could say: if y then x
This makes no sense to me. WHY does y mean x has happened? There is no explanation for the reason this statement is true. I don't get it. So even when the teacher explains this formula with the letters replaced by actual numbers, he will have to explain it again and again every time the numbers change.

Taking it further...

If the streets are wet, that does not mean it has been raining.
Depending on other factors, the streets might be wet frm the street cleaners. Or a bucket of water has been kicked over.

In maths, this would be: if x then not necessarily y
Aaaand you have lost me there.

So, all in all, this is a challenge. It is in fact such a challenge that I am already virtually paralysed by fear. All I can see is failure. I just do not see how I am going to pass this maths course. This is not just insecurity so telling me it will be ok is pointless. I KNOW failure is the most likely outcome of this process because I have only ever failed at maths & science. No matter how hard I have tried in the past.

Believe me, I will try my hardest. But I am a lot less confident now about even making it in to university. And the only reason I am not totally disfunctional with grief is that I have a future planned. If I can't get in to university, I don't have a Plan B for my life.

PS: To make my return to being a student complete, I have also just decide on a new place to live. Moving from my lovely flat into a room in a shared house. Needs must and all that.

1 comment:

  1. ha! i can really relate to that.. my brain just doesn't do well with numbers bleeurgh but i like words. what you should maybe do is get in with the clever geeks in the class who can explain it all to you! :) and well done with it all... good luck! caz x