24 October 2011
Do you care? I do.
I guess the reason for the lack of posts is because life is a bit boring and tedious at the moment. I cry every day, am going to college and started training for my new job today. I am going to work as a home carer and I look forward to starting. It is a bit of an adjustment, not having worked for more than a year.
Last week in the local paper, just after having been offered the job as a regular home carer, I noticed that the same team that cared for Jane in her last 8 weeks are looking for new carers to join ther End of Life services. I would really like to join the team because I know what an incredible difference it made to me and Jane, having such great support. But it has only been 4 months & 3 weeks since Jane died. Is that too soon to work in palliative care? I think I will only know for sure once I am on the job.
But that is not good enough. Because I think that if it turns out that I am not ready and I break down, remembering all we went through, it might be a major setback in my grieving process. End of life care is special. It is extremely rewarding but also emotionally draining. You are not just dealing with the patient but also with their, often very anxious, family. I can do the actual work and caring. I think I can provide the caring without gettng upset. Because the person I care for is not Jane. But I fear I might struggle to deal with the upset family members. I worry that it might remind me too much of my own fears and feelings. I fear that if I cry, it won't be out of compassion for them, but my own grieving coming back to me. I am not explaining it very well but to me, there is a very big difference.
So after careful consideration, I have decided that this might simply be coming too early for me. If I can not feel sure about my ability to do the job right and to keep my emotions in check on the job, then I should not do it. Secondly, I don't want to put myself through the emotional pain of applying, only to be told by the applications team that their experience tells them I should not be doing the job. Nothing worse than other people telling you what you really already know deep down but are trying to ignore. I will go and be a regular home carer first and see how that goes.
On a different note, I have been to a few open days for university and I most definitely want to go to Plymouth University. Great open day, nice people, good facilities and beautiful nature on the doorstep. Now I just need to finish my application and send it off.
Finally, I have decisions to make about what to do for Christmas. Needless to say, I would prefer to hibernate for the entire month of December, thus skipping what would have been Jane's 28th birthday, Christmas and related festivities, and wake up on the other side on new year's eve. I will write more about that in a few days.