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Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

Christmas without You: Doing OK

28 December 2011

Angel,

M and I went snowboarding again today. I'm afraid I have turned him against skiing. Sorry. I know you would not approve. I was wearing your jacket and your goggles. Your helmet does not fit me. Your head was too big! Your sister has asked if she can have your ski boots. Of course she can. I won't use them and I would rather they get used. She did not want your blades though. 

Anyway....yes...snow. It feels very strange to be in the snow without you swishing past at high speed at times. It is good for me to be here in New Mexico at Christmas but it also feels a bit weird because it is so separate from real life. I could almost pretend I am on a holiday and you just happened not to come along. I know, I know, we never went away without each other but still....it is the idea that you might still be there when I come back.

All in all I am having a good time. In fact, the only times I get upset is when I write these blogs. It is easy to keep busy with all kinds of things an new experiences ad impressions of a place I have never been to. But when I am writing you a letter, I am reminded again of the fact that you are not there and that you will never read these letters, no matter how many I write. 

I was going to write more but I can't as I am crying too much. 

I wish I could send you a text to say I am doing OK and that I miss you. And that you would text me back to say the bed is cold without me and that you are keeping my side warm. But I know you won't. I know you never will again. And it breaks my heart every day. 

3 comments:

terryd said...

You haven't shut me off yet, so....

I can't imagine snowboarding. I'm a KLUTZ, and cannot imagine both funky feet on one board.

Pretend? You ARE on holiday and your Jane is there in spirit. How else would you enjoy it? Your angel is sending you good times. She knows what you are thinking. She's saying GO FER IT. It's OK! See ya in the Everafter and you Better tell me what you've been doing.

Buy stock in Kleenex.

HUGS.

Dutchcloggie said...

Thanks for the hugs. Of course I have not shut you off. However, I know the whole thing about keeping someone close to you by treasuring their memory etc. However, it is no substitute at all for actually knowing she is still alive and waiting for me to come home,. It will NEVER be a substitute.

Thanks for the tip on Kleenex stock :-)

marsupialmum said...

Hi. Still reading. K.

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