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Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

Christmas without you: Snowsports

24 December 2011


You used to tell me how fantastic the snow in North America is. How it is much better than the snow in France and that you would take me some day to see for myself.

Today I went snowboarding on Sandia Peak, just outside Albuquerque. I took A & M with me, although A was slightly reluctant at first. We agreed that you would probably be disappointed that they were both going snowboarding instead of skiing. Tough.

I gave them some tips & hints for a bit and then they had a 2-hour lesson. During that time I ventured out on my own. There was hardly anybody out there between the trees on the un-groomed pistes. I missed you. You were right: it is beautiful in North America on the slopes and the snow is better than in France.

I sat down halfway down a nice run through the trees and thought of you. The wind blew snow off the trees. The falling snow looked like fairy dust in the bright sunlight. I was expecting to feel some deeply powerful emotional things, being there without you. But instead, I felt nothing. Just emptiness. I wanted to cry but no tears came. I don't think I was upset. It was just weird not having you to share it with.

The evening finished with a nice session in the hottub in the backgarden. You hated hottubs so I don't feel too bad about enjoying that.

So far this trip is good fun. However, I am starting to wonder if it was not such a good idea after all to run away from Christmas. I mean, I read from other widows having an excruciatingly difficult time at Christmas and I seem, once again, to be doing quite OK. Some general sadness but no big breakdown. Could that be because I have run away to the US instead of staying home and facing the music? Should I not be facing (any possible) pain and loss head on?

I don't know. I miss your company, I miss your jokes, I miss your smile, you touch, your kiss, your smell, your wit. Everything. And yet I appear to be functioning without you. And Yet I appear to be able to have fun without you. What does that mean?

I love you. Life without you is pretty monotonous. Yes I know I am doing loads of stuff, but emotionally speaking, it is all pretty meh... I wish you were not dead. I wish it was still last year. Or the year before that. Or the 6 years before that....

Jane in December 2010.
I love you



terryd said...

It's all good, I told u you could talk to her bettah in her environment. It will never be the same, but Its good that you are living a life, and I know she doesn't begrudge you that, is, in fact, glad.

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