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Christmas without You: The Trip

20 December 2011

Liefie,

I am waiting around Gatwick Airport at this unholy hour of 4.50am, waiting for my flight to the USA to board. I just could not face Christmas with family this year. Not yours, not mine. Of course if you are 'out there' you already know all this so not sure why I am writing this down. I now understand why people are desperate to believe there is something after death. Some way to answer all the questions that have remained unanswered. All the questions that have popped in to my head since you died.
We both never believed there is anything after death. We put our faith in science. But that does not mean that I don't wish sometimes that you could hear me. Or better, that I could hear you.

Anyway... I must thank you for your good taste in friends. I guess going to Malvern means you have friends for life, even if you did not see them very often. Well, your friends are taking good care of me. I have been to see Vicki in Manchester, had dinner with Abi and on your birthday earlier this month, Vicki and Laura came to Northampton to raise a glass to you.

And now I am off to the USA to spend Christmas & NYE with Aidan & Matt. They invited me before I even knew I needed to go. And I need to go. Away from home. Away from here. But not away from you. I will be away from everything but because I am with someone who knew you, there is plenty of space and opportunity for me to think of you and to talk about you. I just did not think you would mind if I did all that thinking and talking whilst sitting in a hottub in New Mexico.

Bear and me in the bear cardigan
(not to be confused with your bear jumper)

I take you with me wherever I go. Not that I carry your ashes around with me. But the next best thing: Bear. Remember Bear. He has been with us since we met. When I first gave him to you when your nan died and I could not be with you. You held Bear when you were ill. You held him when you died. And now I hold him every night. Sticking with the bear-theme, I am wearing the cardigan I bought you in Scotland in January this year. The one that makes you look like a bear. Although you said it made you look like a giant brown poo.



I am shattered before I have even set foot on the plane. I hope Aidan does not mind me sleeping right away once I arrive.

I miss you. It is completely wrong to be making this trip without you. Since you can not be with me, I will just tell you all about it as the days pass. I love you.

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