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Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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Grief interrupted

12 December 2011

The past 4 days I have been completely slammed with work. I mean: start at 7am and not get back home until after 10pm with no real break at any point. I have been too busy to think of anything.

I have realised how important it is to have time to myself.

Time to grieve.

I have not cried in 4 days. I have not felt sad in 4 days. I have not felt happy in 4 days. I have felt nothing in 4 days. Too busy working.

Only 4 days and already I hate this emptiness. I guess this is how people hide from their grief and pain. They bury themselves in work so that no other thoughts can enter their head.

Me, I prefer 'active grieving'. I miss grieving. Does that make sense? I know I need to feel the pain in order to learn how to live with it. Feeling nothing in the past 4 days has felt wrong. I want to feel something but I have simply not had the time or opportunity.

Luckily my rota is better for next week. A few evenings at home, alone. That will give me a chance to let my emotions catch up a bit. Not so much that I want to spend some time crying, but I have not had any chance to think about Jane for the past 4 days. And I miss that. The quiet contemplation, the happy memories and the sad ones.

What a weird feeling to feel absolutely nothing. I am very uncomfortable with that.

1 comments:

marsupialmum said...

I thought I'd pass on some good advice that was given to me: give it some time.

In my experience, any new job takes a lot out of you. (And you have taken on a particularly time- and energy-consuming new job.) It can take weeks to adapt because this big, new thing is, well, big and new.

But then, after a little while, it doesn't occupy every waking moment and 'real life' gets time too.

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