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Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

I want to be loved...by you?

29 December 2011


Maybe this is not for public discussion but my ethos of this blog is: if you promise people to tell them what it is like to be a widow, then I believe I should tell them what it is like to be a widow, warts and all.

Lately I have been fretting over something. It is difficult to explain and in some ways, it tears me apart.

Right. I will just come out and say it. It has been exactly 7 months today since you died (Duh, of course I don't have to tell you this, you were there). I miss you so much. And I cry for you frequently. But I would really like to wake up with somebody again. Somebody to make me tea & croissants in bed. Somebody who sends me a text to check if I am having a good time. Someone I can call just to let them know I miss them.

I wish that person to be you. But since it can't be you, would someone else be nice? That is what I am struggling with. I know I miss YOU, but am I also missing love in general?

I am still so full of love that has no outlet right now. You were ripped away from our future at a time when we were closer together than we had ever been before. Like a car that comes to a sudden stop, the bodies inside keep moving forward until physics catches up and realises the car has stopped. I feel my love is still hurtling along. But is that just love for you that I am looking to project on someone else or is it also love 'in general' that I am ready to give to a new person?

No, I have not met anybody. It is not about having somebody specific that I would like to project my emotions on to. It is about determining what this feeling is exactly. Missing you or missing loving and being loved. Or both. Are they linked or are they separate? Can I miss loving and being loved by you at the same time as loving and being loved by someone else? Isn't that betrayal?

Lord knows I miss you. Every second of every day. Everything is measured in With Jane and Without Jane. Everything I see is judged by whether you would like it or not. Every joke I hear makes me think: Jane would/would not have liked that. But can I miss you this much and still think: I'd like someone to care for that is not Jane?

I guess the fact that I have just burst in to tears writing this gives me the answer. It is you that I miss. Your arms. Your smile. Your skin. Your hug. Your cuddle. Your wit. Your love for me. My love for you. And as far as I can see right now, it will always be you. You told me to go and find someone else and I am sure I will at some point. But how will I know that what I am missing is being loved and not just being loved by YOU? How will I know when I am ready to accept someone else for who they are, rather than projecting you upon them and setting them up to fail by comparison?

You used to smile your understanding smile when once again I was holding both ends of a conversation. When something looked like a discussion between two people but in reality I was not looking for advice but just someone to talk at whilst I worked things out in my head. Or out loud. With input from you actively discouraged.

See, at least that is something you can still do for me.

No idea what this entire stream of thoughts was for. But there you have it.

Love you.

PS: I spent the evening being told all about Malvern Girls' College, playing Shithead, evading the motion sensors in the corridors and the back pages of DIVA Magazine. You'll know what that means.


terryd said...

I forget how old you are, but if the love of your life dies, you are not obligated to die too. IMHO, it's perfectly normal to want someone to hold you. Sometimes, the one you love forgets to hold you. So don't feel guilty for wanting a companion or love or whatever, if the One has passed on... If you are lucky, you will feel Jane saying "Now is the time".

hodders said...

What terryd said. It helps you get through, I can vouch for that. If you are very lucky, like maybe I am, it may be the start of something new, not a replacement, just something new.

Dutchcloggie said...

Hodders, I am very happy for you. The chance of happiness is well deserved of course. So I hope it works out. And even if this time it doesn't, it must be great to know that you can love again. Here's hoping. For all of us. x

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