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Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk
 

Useless things

08 December 2011

Sometimes it does not take much to bring on the feeling of total loss and loneliness. How the simple sight of a ski helmet can remind me of "Never Again" and the pointlessness of everything.



France 2006

I am sorting through stuff to take with me on my Avoid Christmas trip to the USA. As it is snowing overthere, I had to open the box with all our ski and snowboard gear. Jane was an excellent skier. Now I am sitting here in my chair, wearing her ski jacket and her scarf and I am just crying and crying. I desperately want to feel in touch with some part of her but there just is nothing there....

4 comments:

terryd said...

This may sound callous, but don't get snot all over her precious things. AND, Do you really think that she's looking down on you and saying to herself, "wow, I'm really glad she's so miserable". I get the crying, I understand the grieving. Now, go SKI and THEN she'll be there. Not while you are snuffling, but when you Enjoy the memories. Just a thought.

milenanik3 said...

Dear unknown(known) friend,
I do know how does it look alike to live without person Your heart belong to..but little one,I am sure Jane is brave girl so are You.Deep down You must feel that She is fine now,in peace and without any pain..and above all She want You to be brave..She is always somewhere besides You..always will be..I have faith in You.Look in the sky and close Your eyes.You will heart Jane's smile..
God bless You

Dutchcloggie said...

Terry, I don't believe Jane is anywhere. I don't believe in an afterlife. Of course she did not want me to be miserable and trust me, I certainly don't spend my days crying, wrapped in her clothing. And I AM able to use a tissue to avoid snot all over her stuff :)

I am in not trying to sound rude or ungrateful for your comment but just because I am crying does not mean I am not getting on with life. I AM going skiing. I WILL feel close to Jane. Today, I just felt like a complete pile of shit. You know, inbetween going to college in preparation for my return to university next year, planning for my Christmas trip and working a 60 hour a week job, sometimes things can be a bit overwhelming when having a moment to pause.

Anonymous said...

Marieke, cry if you want to cry,laugh if you want to, be sad if you want to. You lost your wonderful wife and that is huge, that is the highest mountain you will ever face and sometimes, while crawling to the top, you will fall down again, there is no timelimit for the crawling and falling ever.
PS: ik heb een facebook profiel. Misschien vind je het leuk om met een oude bekende stranger te praten.*nancymijnhijmer* Take care. Nancy

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