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Christmas without You: Going home

02 January 2012

Liefie,

My bags are packed, I am waiting to go to the airport. Back home to England. Somehow it feels like once again I am leaving behind a piece of our lives together.

This has been good for me. Being with A. & M has been fun. I have heard new things about you from your time at MGC that I did not know about. I got to talk about you. I got to cry about you. I got to laugh about you. I got to write to you.

The hard part of learning to live without you starts now. This is crunch time for me. For the university applications, for the GCSE exams, for me to show the world and myself I can do this. For you. For me. For you to be proud of me.

I was listening to Crowded House again this morning. I always liked this song. I am sorry I did not play a Neil Finn song at your funeral but hey, I wanted to leave a lasting memory (or should that be a scar??) for everyone and the chance of them hearing "Fall at your feet" at times in their lives are bigger than hearing one of Neil's obscure but brilliant tracks. See, always the pragmatic kind, I am.

This has always been one of my favourite songs. I still enjoy listening to it. Even though when I do, I recall every second of the 3.15 minutes when it was played in the crematorium. At the end of the lovely service, when the celebrant said: "We say goodbye to Jane for the final time by listening to a song from her favourite band."

I bowed my head and whispered along with the words. Then the celebrant came up to me and kindly asked me if I wanted to lead everyone out the auditorium. To which I replied: "Not yet! I am listening to the nice music!"

I recall the exact moment in the song when I finally did get up. It was when the instrumental break started. I got up and walked past your coffin. I am sorry I decided on closing the curtains now as in hindsight, I would have liked to be able to see you one more time.

And so, whenever I hear this song, I am ok. Until the instrumental break. Because that specific part is when I had to leave you behind for the last time. I am so sorry I had to.


If you are looking out for me out there, can you please make sure I get accepted in to Plymouth University and that I get the C in Maths && Biology that I need. Taa muchly.

I love you. Always.

xx

8 comments:

Julie said...

By the time I got through to the end of this letter, I felt your strength growing and growing.

Dutchcloggie said...

You did? Interesting as all I did was cry more as I got to the end... Maybe you are seeing something I am not :)

terryd said...

Hoping for acceptance in your life and the University, and goodness with testing. Please say more about Crowded House, I want to hear what you are feeling.

Anonymous said...

yes - a big hearty yes to your hopes! thanks as ever for your posts.. i don't often comment, but they inspire me onwards & always do me good. you have a real gift for communication. much love, caz x

SuperCharlotte said...

I've recently come across your blog,I think you are truely amazing and extremely strong.I've also read through the blogs about your wife,although i've never been in the same situation as yourself i admire your strength and how much you loved each other.Good luck with your uni application and i hope you get your C's! :)

Charlotte.x

Dutchcloggie said...

Charlotte & Caz, thanks for the kind words. Terryd, thanks for the hospice donation!

terryd said...

Missing your posts and thinking of you.

terryd said...

yer welcome.

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