Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

A new year, a new start?

01 January 2012


Last night was so much more difficult than I expected. I was worried about surviving Christmas but I should have been worried about New Year's Eve.

I got a couple of generic Happy New Year text messages. Although they were meant well, I was slightly annoyed by them as well. People must know this is not going to be a very happy new year and surely they know NYE must be excruciatingly difficult. So why not take a minute to realise that a general message that says stuff like: "May all your hopes and dreams come true this year" means nothing to someone whose hopes & dreams have been shattered.

Oh well, at least I got some text messages I guess. And I suppose it is up to me to educate people on how to deal with a widow; what is helpful and what isn't.

We spent the evening in The Dirty Bourbon, a Western-style dance saloon/bar. I cried before we went at the prospect of a new year without you. The evening was quite good fun. Watched many cowboys line-dance and many many couples having a good time on the dancefloor. Around 11, we returned home because I had warned A & M that I would cry at midnight.

And I did. As we stood on the roof terrace with bubbly wine in our hands, I cried and cried. Quietly at first, silent tears running down my cheeks. But then A. gave me a hug and I did some proper sobbing. I had some irrational comments about how I should have been able to save you and I told A. I was sorry she lost her friend. I was very glad to be around one of your friends. It made me feel less lonely somehow.

You are missed, you know. Not just by me.

I can not express how I feel about going in to a new year without you. I feel more desperately lonely than I have ever felt since you died. The change of the year is just such a punch in the face. A very definite end to the idea, the fantasy, the delusion that maybe, just maybe, this is all a bad dream and you are simply away from me for a while.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the hardest part is about to start. In addition to missing you, I am starting to feel a crushing loneliness more and more often. When I think of what would happen if I had to go in to hospital for some reason for example. Who would be my next of kin? Where would I go? Who would come and visit? Who would care for me after I'd come home? Bit maudlin I know. But things like that just remind me that, apart from a few friends and acquaintances, I am basically alone here.

Self-pitying perhaps but I am allowed, I think. I have managed to avoid self pity since you died but right now I am feeling very sorry for myself. I am starting to lose the momentum I had with college, university, work etc. I am caring less and less about it and am even considering not bothering with it. But I know you would be extremely disappointed with me if I gave up. And I would be disappointed with myself. But after caring for you on your deathbed, what else could possibly ever bring me any kind of satisfaction?

Oh dear, I am talking nonsense right now. Perhaps it's because I am just feeling lost without you. I miss you. I don't want 2012 without you.



Natalya said...

Not nonsense at all, it's like reading my own thoughts 6 years ago. I don't have any words of advice, I just wanted you to know I am reading and I understand x

Julie said...

I am reading, too. I understand some bits with my head, and some bits with my heart. There are bits I do not understand at all, because I don't have enough experience. But i am on 'your side', so to speak. I have confidence that you will make valuable choices during 2012, but just don't make them whilst you are in Albequeque. Jane was your anchor, but other valuable anchors are place and culture, and family in the wider sense. The way I see Albequeque is to permit yourself to stand on a mountain top and yell into the future.

Dutchcloggie said...

Thank you. Again. :-) I hope 2012 brings you good health and optimism. Thanks for all your hard work! X

Dutchcloggie said...

That Hard Work comment was aimed at Natalya, who does fab work with BT Buddies.

Julie, you are right. Again. I am not making any decisions about anything out here. And I do want to go to university. It is just hard to stay motivated when you are depressed.

I do hope, for both of you Natalya and Julie, that in 2012, your health does not stop you too much from doing some of the things you love.


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