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My experience of dealing with grief as a widow

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Life is good again

25 April 2012

Right. After a deafening silence of a month, I return. I can hear everyone cheer with joy about this news. I know, I know, you have all missed me dreadfully.

 Why have I been away so long, I hear you ask? Well... strangely enough, because nothing much has happened in my life. I am still very happy at my job, my university applications are all sorted, I passed my Maths GCSE with the C I needed. The only thing that has changed is that I seem to have acquired a girlfriend.

See how I tried to just sneak that in there as if it is really no biggie? Also: Girlfriend? Really? I hate that word. It makes me sound like a teenager. Lover is too casual. Partner is a bit soon. But then again, I am behaving like a teenager at the moment so I guess girlfriend is the best description.

 It is a long story and I won't bore you with the details. But let's just say it was a difficult path we walked before we finally realised we really did like each other a lot and that it was worth a chance. Hence my silence for a month as it was more or less the only thing I was thinking about and I did not want the world to know about something that wasn't really anything. But regular readers may remember I alluded to something as far back as early March. Yes. Sometimes it takes 2 people a while to realise they really should just get on with it... :-)

 Anyway, the point is: I am happy. Very happy. I have no idea where this is going to end up but it makes me happy for now and that is enough. She is very sweet and funny. She understands that sometimes I get sad about Jane. She understands that this has nothing to do with my feelings for her; that these things can live side by side. We do fun stuff together. Science Museum, beach, play Scrabble in the pub etc. Just fun stuff that makes us laugh. She is a musician so as an added extra, I get to sit and watch her play and sing whilst I stare at her from across the room. At some point in the future, I will post some of her music videos here so you can see why I think she is AWESOME.

She is also very pretty. Seriously, people have come up to me and said: Is she your girlfriend? And then CONGRATULATED me on having such a pretty girlfriend. I never know if I should be offended because they are treating her as an object that I have acquired, offended because they are suggesting it is surprising that someone like me has managed to hook up with someone as pretty as her, or should I be proud that people think she's pretty? At the moment, I am all of those, depending on how people say it to me :-)

 I expected to feel a sense of guilt about meeting someone new for the first time after Jane's death. But I have no guilt. None. Maybe that is because she is so different from Jane. If they had been similar, I would have been worried about my real reasons to like her. But that is simply not an issue. And so I am just enjoying the feeling of wanting to be with someone. The feeling of someone wanting to be with me. This week, I was in Oxford with her and decided to meet up with Jane's younger sister, who studies in Oxford. It was really rather touching that they seemed to get on really well. Afterwards, Jane's sister gave her the Stamp of Approval. Which for some odd reason means a lot to me. Maybe because she is very similar to Jane and her approval is the closest I will ever come to Jane saying: It's OK. Not that I would actually need that. Jane would have liked her I reckon.

 Funny how unhappiness inspires no end of blog posts but happiness just makes me feel content and uninspired when it comes to writing. Maybe because all I want to do is sit with a stupid grin on my face all day.

5 comments:

LauraT said...

Yay Marieke - I am very happy happy happy for you :-)
Laura

Anonymous said...

Ahhh, brilliant news - so pleased for you!! :) Caz x x

Milena Nikolić said...

I wish You both all the luck in the world.Be blessed!

Gabriella said...

I am occasionally reading your blog. Your post brought a smile to my face. I wish you continued happiness.

Dutchcloggie said...

Thanks!!

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