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Being a Widow

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Coming up to the Year Mark

03 May 2012

On Monday it was 11 months since Jane died. I spent it with my new girlfriend and only thought of the significance of the date when I went to bed.  I felt guilty about that and I cried.

And this morning I woke up with a strange feeling of dread.  This month is the last month that I can say that Jane was still alive this time last year. Many widows dread the date of the First Year. And I am no different.

My life has had so many positive turns recently that to many people it may look like I am 'over' Jane and that I am only looking forward.

I'm not. I am extremely worried about this month. I worry that I will think of nothing else. That it turns out I am going to fall in to a deep dark hole and it turns out I am not doing as well as I thought I was. That the truth will be revealed and that this past year has been merely an apetiser and that I will be hit in the face with a sledgehammer and sink in to a deep depression and not be able to go to university.

This month is the last time that I can think of last year and know Jane was still alive.  The more I think about this, the more I cry. What the fuck happened? How can it be a year already? Why did a bright young woman have to die in such a horrible way? Of course the answer is simple: There is no reason. There is no god. There is no bartering or explanation.

I have not thought much about how I have felt about the whole care-process but looking back, all I can think of was that it was just so incredibly hard. So soul destroying to see someone you love die. So impossible to make all those decisions. And mostly, how terribly lonely it was. Despite all the friends who visited. Despite all the good wishes. Despite all the love from my own family. Despite all the advice from nurses and carers.

It was excruciatingly lonely.

I worry that this new relationship I am in will not be strong enough to go through The First Year Mark. I know how I feel about her. She is nothing like Jane so I know I am not trying to replace Jane. And yet, I worry that I can not make her see that what I feel for Jane has no relation to how I feel about her. I mean, who would want to be supporting a relatively new girlfriend through a month of crying for a love that is lost? Seems like it is too much to ask of someone so early on in a relationship.

Of course this is only happening in my head. Because she has been reading this blog since last year already and says she totally understands what is going on in my head because I have explained it all so well. I think I am lucky to have someone who is not concerned about this. Who is not trying to compete with Jane. Who does not feel she needs to fill a hole that is clearly Jane-shaped. The hole will cover itself over after a while. Or it will get less deep. So it will be less of a dangerous presence in my life. In our lives?

Basically, this month I will worry a lot. And be sad a lot. With lots of tears. It has already started this evening when I remembered that on  this day last year, I wrote an angry blog post about friends not coming to visit


5 comments:

New girlfriend said...

I love you.

Libra said...

Hey Simo,
Just have to say that in my honest opinion, you are doing a pretty good job, handling the things that are thrown your way. But you CAN do that, you've got a strong will. I admire your perseverence.

K.

Dutchcloggie said...

Hi,


That is a nice thing to say K. Thanks for that. How are things for you?

Hotels in Buxton said...

Just have to say that in my honest opinion, you are doing a pretty good job, handling the things that are thrown your way. But you CAN do that, you've got a strong will. I admire your perseverence.

Libra said...

I found my road to walk on..

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