Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

A new start. Again.

25 September 2012

Today was the start of yet another new beginning. My first day at university.

I am able to do this course because of the money Jane left me. I am only doing the course because Jane died and I want to turn the tragedy in to something good. Jane always encouraged me to do it and we agreed I would start once she completed her PhD. I am finally doing the course I have been wanting to do since I was 18. I am scared I won't be able to do the course (what with having ADHD and all). I am scared I won't make any friends and that people will find me a pain in the arse. I am incredibly worried about not being organised enough and having missed something vitally important like enrolling for modules, time tables, whatever. So I am panicky. I am scared that Girlfriend will find me boring if I can only talk about my course.

All those things culminated last night in a highly emotional evening. I cried (and cried and cried and cried and cried, as the Invocal song goes). Thankfully Girlfriend was with me and all was well with the world by the time we went to bed.

I guess I underestimated the emotional impact of the whole thing. I am still not sure how to marry up missing Jane and crying over that kind of thing on important life events, and being utterly in love with Girlfriend. Most of all, I am still not sure how I can tell her that all my love is hers. That I am not holding some back for Jane in some way. But that it still means I cry about the whole thing at times. I don't even know exactly what the crying is about when it happens. I can only marvel at Girlfriend's ability to understand me. She is a bit awesome.

So, what happened on my first day?
  • Students kept talking whilst lecturers were talking,making it hard for me to concentrate and I nearly snapped at them.
  • I got impatient when some people were holding up the discussion by asking very detailed questions about their individual enrollment and Student Finance situation. With 150 students in the room, that is NOT THE TIME & PLACE.
  • The university intranet did not reflect our time table correctly and staff are so far unable to tell us where we are supposed to go for our lectures, which groups we are in and where the lectures will be.
  • Some people think it is perfectly acceptable to arrive 30 minutes late. (The girl got told she was not allowed in. GO TEACHER!)
  • Car travel to campus is discouraged so they charge £5 for the car park. FOR 3 YEARS! So I bought a pass right away.
  • I am going to lose SO MUCH WEIGHT due to cycling to university every day. I shall be thin & gorgeous once more.

So all in all not a bad day. Another introduction day on Thursday and hopefully on Monday, all niggles will be sorted out and things can begin in earnest.


Didds said...

Great post.

If all 150 students in that room had written a blog about yesterday as their first assignment, I reckon the VAST majority would have written something very similar to the above. Everyone is shit scared. Many of them possibly away from mum and/or dad i.e. home for the very first time. Maybe some even their first ever NIGHT away from home. Mature students wondering HTF are they going to balance a full time course, being a life partner and a home maker combined, possibly with a part time job on top to make ends meet at home. Others worrying about starting a journey ending in a 50K debt and no vision of how their degree will end in a job that can pay it off. Others shitting themselves because they have pressure already to graduate with a 1st. Others just shitting themselves because - if Uni now is anything like my experience 30 years ago, and Mrs Didds experience 5 years ago - everybody else seems to know WTF is going on expect THEM.

They are all (well, 99%) of them scared. And excited. Excited about finally getting to do what they have wanted to do for years. Excited because they just got there, against what they thought were against all odds. Excited because this course, THEIR course, will open doors and opportunities they once only dreamed of. Excited because its a new start, a new beginning, a new way of life. Excited because it IS their first break from home. Excited because maybe NOW they WILL get laid! Or Drunk! Or be allowed to play music loud! Or be allowed to NOT go to church! Or Excited to be in a place that nobody from their family or street or village or social circle has ever been to before.

BUT... they are ALL shit scred. And that is why they ask detailed questions at inappropriate times - because they are nervous, and maybe they haven't yet had the life experience that has shown them there ARE appropriate times to ask. That is why they talk when they shouldn't - because they are nervous and talking is a way to hide that. And yes, because they are also immature. That's the way of our society in the 21st century, compared to us hardened bleeders of 30 years ago ;-) But overall, they're nervous. Bloody nervous.

Some people have never had to have the discipline of being on place A at Time T - mummy has always made sure they are. Or nobody actually gave a rats arse whether they were there or not anyway. Some may be mistaking/misunderstanding what "freedom" from home actually means in reality.

Uni timetabling? Go with the flow. Universities on the whole are full of bright/intelligent people. Sometimes TOO intelligent for their own good yes - but on the whole they WILL understand that if your university approved timetable is wrong, then individuals can't be expected to get it right. And if they don't understand that? Then its not YOUR problem. What happens with timetables in this first week will not stop you gaining your degree in 3 years time. None of this will stop you from attaining your degree ion 3 years time. Only You will do that - and I don't think for 1 moment you will. What I saw in a 2nd row forward 8 years ago is what will ALWAYS get you through. Guts. Determination. Pride. A slight tendancy to be a PITA ;-)

This is week 1. That was day 1.

In 3 years time you'll be standing on a stage, with some bloke you've never seen before giving you a scroll as you wear a silly hat. All your friends old and new will be there cheering and clapping, probably crying too. Those that won;t be there in person will be there uin spirit.

And on day 1000 when you get that scroll and wear the silly hat, day 1 will be a distant memory.

Post a Comment