Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

On working. Kind of.

08 November 2012

So I have been at university for over a month now. So far the lectures have all been interesting and I really am enjoying learning stuff about how people communicate on different levels, how the body works and how disease impacts on the body. How a problem with your breathing can lead to heart failure. That kind of stuff. And some philosophical things too.

Ask yourself this: What is a definition of Healthy? Is it being free of disease? What about mental illness then? Is it being happy? What if you have diabetes that is fully under control so it does not have any impact on your life (think Steve Redgrave who won a bunch of gold medals as a diabetic)? You would say you were healthy eventhough you have a disease.

That kind of thing fascinates me.

On the down side, I still have not finished the assignments we were given a month ago. I now have only 2 weeks left to finish them and I am properly freaking out. I am struggling greatly with not knowing exactly what is expected of me. I am not the only one it seems so that is some kind of relief. Discussing it with others only makes it more confusing because people all seem to have a different idea of what is being asked of us. It appears that, as usual, I am thinking about this far too deeply, with others spending only a couple of hours on writing theirs and me spending hours and hours and hours reading interesting articles, only to then feel I have so much information that I can not longer make sense of it.

One of the biggest problems I have is not knowing what is expected of me. My course places a big emphasis on reflective learning, research and deciding for myself where the gaps in my knowledge are. This is an extremely confusing way of learning for me as I have no idea what is asked of me. It makes is nearly impossible for me to plan my time because if I come across a gap in my knowledge that needs more time, I have not planned for this and my schedule goes out the window. The fear of this is paralysing and makes it very difficult to concentrate on other work that I could be doing.

Furthermore, at the start of modules, we are told what the assessment will be but we are not (yet) told what exactly we are supposed to do for that. So they might tell us: a 3000 word essay to be handed in in 3 months on Topic XXX. I assume that we will be given more information later on in the module. But for me, this causes great panic. I need to know what I am supposed to do right away so I can give it a place in my head. Again, I panic and can hardly focus on the tasks at hand, due to fear of missing vital information about work that lies months ahead. This causes me great distress and makes me feel I am unable to handle the course even though I am perfectly able to reach the required standards.

I would benefit greatly from a tutor or study skills tutor who would help me by explaining exactly what is asked of me, right from the start of the module. So that I can relax in the knowledge that I have made a plan and that things are under control and that I am not missing anything vital.

I have bitten the bullet and have applied for Disabled Student Allowance. I don't know what this can do for me but apparently they might give me money (yay) from which the university can pay a personal tutor who can sit with me and help me organise things. It was very depressing to have to go to an interview and say: I have a learning disability, please help me. I am afraid that I will now have a sticker on my head that says: DISABLED STUDENT. I have never really seen my ADHD as a disability. It is just a part of me that I hate very much but hey-ho, there you have it. I guess I might as well ask for all the hep I can get and then see what is useful to me eventually. I might find things easier in the second year. No idea.

So here I am at 6pm in the university library, trying to do work. Instead I procrastinated and wrote this blog instead. Duh.

On a positive note: I went to Poole last week to see Girlfriend play a lovely little gig. Poole is a mere 3 hours driving from here. Luckily I did not have to drive. It was very lovely and of course Girlfriend was great. As usual. We have booked ourselves in to a lovely little old pub/B&B for New Year's Eve. Just the two of us, in front of a log fire in the old pub, totally ignoring time, probably falling asleep before midnight. It is in the middle of the Yorkshire Dales, almost in the middle of nowhere. Gorgeous. I can not wait.

Trois Vallees 2006 with Caz, Jane, me and Claire.
This morning, as I was watching The Gadget Show on Dave, I got a bit sad. They were snowboarding and testing gadgets. I felt a pang of sadness. I won't be snowboarding this year. I guess I could go if I really really wanted to but I don't want to go alone. Also, I am lazy. There is no driving force behind organising it so I am not doing it. And I won't have time. And I won't have money. And if I get injured when at university, I will have to drop out of the course until I can attend lectures again. I don't want to take that risk. It made me really sad. I fucking LOVE snowboarding. I would be extremely sad if I never did it again. Maybe I can sneak in to Milton Keynes indoor ski slope some time over the Christmas period and touch some snow. Ugh, totally unexpectedly just teared up. Friend walked in and said: what are you doing? I said: Looking through my pictures to find a nice one of me in the snow to go with this blog post. And suddenly I was all weepy...

Now I have procrastinated long enough to write this blog post. I must do some actual work.


Somegirl said...

do you know a guy named Chris? with alexithymia? i'm sorry it's a tad unrealted, but i really need the information.

Dutchcloggie said...

Who? With what?

Post a Comment