Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

Coming together: A charity night for Cynthia Spencer

23 March 2012

As you will of course know by now, I am organising a charity gig on June 2nd to mark the first anniversary of Jane's death. (What do you mean you don't know? Geez, I have mentioned it plenty of times now so really you have no excuse. And I shall be mentioning it plenty more times before June 2!)

It is also a time to celebrate all the fabulous things I have achieved since that horrible day and basically it is an evening where you can all come and congratulate me on my awesomeness and strength during the year that has gone by.

I am charging a small amount of money to get in and that money will go to the Cynthia Spencer Hospice in Northampton. See, so it is totally worth it.

To make the evening more fun, I have managed to line up some of Northampton's finest musicians. I am very grateful to all of them for sacrificing their time and effort.

First, there is my friend Corinne Lucy. Awesome songwriter, awesome singer and all-round Good Egg.

Further more, the nice folks from Life of Pie (well, 2 of them) are playing some tunes. Unfortunately they will be without piano but it will be super nonetheless.

And finally, Northampton's latest folk sensation King's Gambit, with my darling friend Helen Turton on cello, will perform. They have no video on YouTube yet but I plan to rectify this this weekend!

So, you should totally come. Even if you have no idea who Jane was. Or who I am. You can always come along for the music. Or to support the Cynthia Spencer Hospice.

2nd June
The Romany Pub
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More to life

21 March 2012

Wow. It has been over a week since my last blog. A lot has happened but most of it I am not going to tell you about. Sorry. I know the ethos of this blog has been to be honest and open about everything relating to widow-hood. But the reason I have not written anything for so long is that I could not think of a widow-related thing to write about.

Many widows take up blogging as an outlet. And when life starts taking on some kind of normalcy again, they close down their blog because being a widow is no longer the only thing they are emotionally dealing with.

However, this blog existed long before I was a widow. This blog has always just been a life blog. Ramblings about my daily life. 

When Jane was ill, this blog became a single-issue blog because I was a single-issue person. My life existed soley around Jane. After Jane died, this blog became a single-issue blog. My life revolved completely around my loss, being widowed and trying to get back up again. 

In January, I wrote about The Ball of Grief. I explained that it is not my grief that shrinks, but my world that expands around my grief. No longer does grief fill my entire world. There are other things to talk about.

My world has expanded massively. I have a job I absolutely love. I have a social life that is more active than ever before. I am making new friends. I am open to whatever life throws at me.

So, to those of you who started reading because you wanted to know about Jane, or about life as a (lesbian) widow, I'm afraid you will be disappointed in the future.  You will also be reading about other stuff that may not interest you at all.

To those who will no longer read this blog I say Thank you for your support. It has been incredibly valuable to me. Many people have told me that this blog has helped them understand so much more about grief. That was never my reason for writing. But it is a wonderful side-effect. If my blog means someone is no longer afraid to pick up the phone to a grieving friend, then it was worth it. If this blog means people are no longer afraid to think about death, their own or someone else's, then it was worth it.  If this blog has helped my friends understand me better, then it was worth it.

If this blog has made anyone realise how incredibly awesome I am for the way I am dealing with all this, then...well...it's totally worth it.

To fellow widows, I hope I have been able to be of some kind of help. If only by telling you that what you feel is normal.

No, I am not saying I will not blog about being a widow or about loss and death. I am merely saying there is more to my life now.

It feels weird saying all this. As if I am saying I am no longer grieving and that I am over Jane. That I am closing the book on Jane. That is not the case. Expect plenty of angst around the anniversary of her death. I am still grieving. I will always grieve for Jane and for what I can no longer share with her. Like a daughter who misses her father at her graduation. And at her wedding. And at the birth of her first child.

Jane would be proud of me. She told me to get on with life, be happy and meet someone else I can be happy with.  I'm working on all of those things. Not all at the same time perhaps.
Keep Reading: "More to life"

I see it now

11 March 2012

It is possible.

I miss Jane.
I love Jane.

I also love the butterflies in my stomach I have been feeling lately. It doesn't matter that it isn't going to go anywhere. It's the fact they are there in the first place.

Life goes on. I always thought it would. But the back of my mind said: I'll believe it when I see it.

I see it now.

I don't need this in XL on my wall to remember Jane.
Today I removed 2 of the 3 massive photographs of Jane I have on my wall and replaced them with some other posters. This room should be my space. Where Jane has her place. Not a shrine to Jane where I just happen to live. The sun is shining, spring is in the air.

I see it now.
Keep Reading: "I see it now"

"I saw you as still married to Jane"

06 March 2012

This is what a friend told me this weekend. Still married to Jane.

Am I? I guess the fact that my Facebook status says that I am still married is a big thing. But I took my wedding rings off after only a few weeks. I had them turned in to a necklace which I wear all the time. Because pretty early on, I felt I was Widowed, not Married.

I don't really feel married to Jane anymore. More accurate would be: I am in a relationship with Jane. But Facebook does not allow you much space to define your relationship to someone else.

Idealy I would like to say Widowed. But if I do that, then Facebook will automatically close down Jane's page because they can see I have gone from being married to Jane to being widowed. The page will stay up but you can not longer log in.

I guess I could just call myself single. But then Jane would become just another one of my many Facebook Friends. She would no longer be special.

I could select: It's complicated. That would be the truth. But then Facebook will change our marital status from "Married since 2006" to "It's been complicated since 2006". Which clearly is not true either. It was all pretty straight forward until a few years ago. Nothing complicated.

I think in the end, I will have to bite the bullet and list myself as Widowed. And then in a few months, I will go for Single. After all, I have no problem at all telling people in the real world that I am widowed. So why should Facebook be any different.

The remark my friend made also made me realise something else. If other people still think of me as married to Jane, is that how I see myself as well? And does that mean that, in a way, I am closing myself off from the chance of meeting someone new? It will certainly put 'potential' candidates off if I still claim to be married. It will put them off either because they feel it is inappropriate for them to make 'a move' or because it signals that I am still very much wrapped up in my life with Jane and nowhere near ready to look for or find love.

And frankly, I think I am getting to the stage where I think I might be ready to open my eyes and look at the world. My world, not Our world. To look at the future. My future, not Our Future. Ready to accept that other people can make my stomach do backwards flips as well.

I am not saying I am looking for a relationship. I am merely saying I am going to stop actively NOT looking for one and just let life happen the way it happens.

If that makes sense.
Keep Reading: ""I saw you as still married to Jane""