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Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

Captain Morgan made me write this

18 January 2013

I wrote this post below earlier this evening. And then girlfriend made me see I am a sad, self-indulgent fucker who needs a kick up the arse (although in fairness those are not the words she used). So I'm off to bed now and plan to begin a new life tomorrow. For the umpteenth time I am telling myself that I will be organised and concentrated from tomorrow onward and that everything will be different.


I should be thinking of doing my assignment.

I worry that I am giving up on this degree already. Like, in my mind, I don't really feel any pressure to meet the deadline because I feel I am going to fail it any way.

Even the practice module, my placement, has so much paperwork involved that I don't see how I am going to complete it all. I need testimonials from patients, I need other nurses to sign off on things they saw me do, I need my mentor to see me do things but I am her first ever mentoring student and she is not very forthcoming and a bit shy so the responsibility falls all on to me to make ANYTHING happen, I need to complete action plans, write goals that are SMART, write reflections and write a reflective diary and read up on things I have learned during the day.

And that is just for my placement. Let alone the assignments I also have to do for other modules.

I am thinking I should maybe just give up and work as a health care assistant.

I am not cut out for working alone without supervision and support. And university is clearly unable to give me any. I need someone to bounce ideas of. A fellow student or a mentor who understands how I work. Even when I don't know how I work.
I always think in abstract concepts

I have thought about pros and cons of certain techniques. I have read about them. I understand the research. Why can I not have a verbal exam on it? Where I can TALK to someone and explain what I know and understand. Instead of having to write it down?

It is so frustrating to KNOW that I know these things and yet nothing comes out of my fingers on to the screen.

For every paragraph I write, I think it is rubbish, I need to start all over again. And I re-write what I have already written. And I get stuck and can not move forward.

or I suddenly have a bit of inspiration and I write a whole bunch of stuff. And then nothing for days. So then i start worrying about what happens if the next bit of inspiration does not arrive in time for me to meet the deadline? Well I might as well not bother.

Ugh. Enough moaning.

Captain Morgan made me feel this way. I hate Captain Morgan. (I love it, really).

Maybe I will feel better tomorrow, after playing in the snow. Which of course is no procrastination at all. Nope.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

hi dutchcloggie, i have just read about jane your friend, its headlines phase 8 the last two months astrocytuma bouncy bean 1983. i am the one you said you know who you are, i would like to appologise sincerley i have been harsh and said some nasty things, but it was through losing my precious wife on the lcp, i did not know how you had suffered losing a loved one the two hour wait at the hospital must have been horrific i am more than sorry for you, but i still oppose the lcp. lots of love brickie.xx

Dutchcloggie said...

Apology long overdue and accepted. However, it seems strange that you apologise for saying rude and harsh things ONLY because I have lost my wife like you have. There are many anonymous comments on this blog so I have no idea which ones are from you. However, name-calling is unacceptable. As is comparing the LCP and those who support it with Nazis and accusing them of wanting to kill people randomly.

My wife was on the LCP and I supported that decision. With your ill-informed comments, you are basically saying that I murdered my wife and wanted to get rid of her. You accused the caring nurses and doctors of killing my wife and wanting her and all their other patients dead.

Quite apart from the personal side of it, you are simply mis-informed about the LCP.

The INDEPENDENT review of the LCP should be able to see both sides of the story. There are many many people with good experiences of the LCP. It is disgraceful that a campaign that simply asked for positive experiences of the LCP to be included in the review had to be stopped because people who are against it constantly threatened and insulted people who wanted to participate with their positive side of the story. I am sick and tired of people reacting in an emotional way, without knowledge of the actual facts and who are not prepared to see other people's points of view.

The fact that people have lost a loved one like you, should make NO difference to how you treat people with a different opinion.

Anonymous said...

thank you for excepting my sincere apology i did not accuse the caring doctors of killing your wife mine certainly, would you say these people have not got knowledge in medical issues from which they deal in yours with your wife could have been genuine my wife was eating and drinking on admission but day two she was on an induced coma. in my defence professors and doctors plus nurses have written to newspapers for it to be published, the media cannot do this of there own accord or they would be taken to court and monies claimed from them. if you do read the newspapers relatives have taken patients of the lcp and were suppose to have been dying but still living today, and for hospitals to be paid by coquin for each patient to be put on it is a form of bribary so i will never change my mind how wrong this liverpool care pathway is.

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