Bunny who?

Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

Happy New Year

06 January 2013

Let me be the first to wish all my (5) readers a happy new year....oh wait...what?

Well, how different this was from what I imagined it would be. Last year I escaped to New Mexico and I knew that this year I would have to face the holiday season without Jane for the first time. I was convinced it was going to be horrible. After all, on January 1st 2013, I would no longer able to say: My wife died last year. It would be 2 years by then. Two years. That sounds so long ago that I surely would start to forget about Jane.

But of course in hindsight that is not what happened at all. I have not forgotten about Jane. But mostly, what I did not know back then, what I could not have imagined back then, is that I would be happy with someone who has lit up my world and brought me back to life.

One of the things grief counselors tell people is that the hardest thing after losing your partner is finding yourself again. Having been part of a Couple for so long, you are no longer sure of your own role in life, in the world, when that partnership suddenly stops.  Who are you? What are your hopes and dreams? How do you interact with people? How do people see you? Those things you stopped doing, was that because you no longer liked them or because your partner did not like them so they were sacrificed on the altar of your relationship?

It is that uncertainty that I have found hardest. I was myself with Jane. Or at least, I was someone I was very happy to be. How in the world was I ever to find a happy me again? I don't like doing things on my own. So doing stuff alone is no fun. Doing it with someone you love is great. So how the hell was I supposed to find out which things I really loved doing if I had nobody to find that out with?

I am one of those people who is just better in a relationship. Not because I am needy but because I thrive on sharing. I get ultimate happiness from doing something that makes someone else happy. I like thinking of others. I like being thoughtful. I like looking after someone. I like playing a part in someone's happiness. I guess I am to love what evangelists are to Christianity: I just want to share, share, share, share. Because sharing happiness is the most wonderful thing.

You know how many women say that it wasn't until they became a mother that they felt they were fulfilling their true purpose in life? Well, I know that MY true purpose is to be in a relationship that makes two people happy. It just is. I have accepted that does not make me needy or dependent or that it means I ignore my own needs just to make someone happy. Being myself, for me, means making someone happy in a way that matches my own feelings, opinions, beliefs, loves, hatreds and interests (just in case you were thinking I put someone else's happiness way way before my own).

Well, there she was. And the rest is history.

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway........ I was going to actually write about the awesome New Year I spent with Girlfriend. The whole "who'd a thunk" thing was only supposed to be a sideways remark. Oh well. As always, these blogs never are about the thing I thought I was going to write about.

However, I can understand you are now desperate for some pictures of my holiday. So, I'll keep it brief.

We went to Yorkshire. Stayed in a most wonderful place in Sedbergh, near Wensleydale, called The Moorcock Inn. If you like your landladies no-nonsense and typical Yorkshire, then there is no better place. In fact, I had such a great time that for the first time ever, I felt the need to write a review on Trip Advisor.

We had nice food, fun watching people get stuck in knee-deep floods, saw Wensleydale Cheese being made, visited a fabulous waterfall and had a most relaxing new year's eve. And all that whilst staying in a place that made us feel at home, rather than in a hotel. Niiiiiice. In fact, we liked it so much, we are probably going back there this year (which has nothing to do with the landladies inviting Girlfriend and me back so that Girlfriend could play a gig there....)

Yorkshire roads are pretty.

The Moorcock Inn is pretty.

Yorkshire waterfalls are pretty.
Our next trip is already in the planning. We are thinking Paris in April. If only I can find the time in my busy university schedule. Oh yes, university. Did  mention that I am shitting myself with worry about passing this year?

Happy New Year everyone.


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