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30

02 December 2013

You would have been 30 today. Quite a milestone. You never made it in to the same decade as me.

It is weird. 2 1/2 years after your death and it still seems unreal at times. It seem to me that my life will forever be running on two tracks. Along all the happiness I will have, I will always see things in terms of Before your Death and After your Death.

Or maybe it is because I simply do not have a lot of history with Girlfriend, or with life without you yet? So every time people talk about something in the recent past, I do a quick calculation: was JD still alive then? Was JD still healthy enough? Did JD still catch this News Fact about Some Celebrity or was she already too ill? It may sound horrible but sometimes that really pisses me off. I don't want to always always always think about you being dead. Sometimes I would like to think about you. Just you. I guess what I really want is for there to be more time passed since you died. Which sounds weird but I guess having you in the more distant past means I no longer think:was this before JD died or after? Because the more time passes, the more things will clearly be After you Died. If I no longer have to think about when exactly in 2011 something happened, I will no longer have to think of the exact date you died. Or things in 2010; were they before or after you had to go in to the hospice for a few days? Or 2009; did this Thing happen before or after your radiotherapy that year?

I don't want to forget about you. I never will. I never can. And I never want to. And thinking these things doesn't necessarily make me sad. It is just an automated response to the mention of a year or date.

But sometimes I just wish I could live my life in the here and now. Without constantly linking things that happen to a time frame of something that happened in the past.

I once wrote a blog post about feeling that my life was on two separate tracks. One that includes you and one that doesn't. I explained how I can be perfectly happy in my new life without you; that's one track. And then something happens and I am reminded of the other track in my life. The one that runs parallel. The one that makes me incredibly sad.

For example: remember how we used to sing along to The Indigo Girls? And how I always tried to teach you the harmonies? Shortly after your death I wrote how sad it made me that I would never sing harmonies with you in the car again.  Girlfriend has recently started to listen to the Indigo Girls too. And she sings along. And I love the Indigo Girls. And I love singing along and sing harmonies. But I cannot do it without thinking of you. And it made me sad. Because I had so linked singing along together with YOU, that doing it with Girlfriend felt weird. I wanted to tell her but how could I tell her that this music she really likes makes me think of you and makes me sad? But I had to. I guess I made it hard for her now to sing along with me. And this makes me sad again.

I wish your illness and your death wouldn't be the yardstick for everything that came before and everything that will come after.

Ugh. What am I trying to say? That I wish your memory would leave me alone? I don't think that is it. But I do think that it would be nice if some days, maybe just for a few days, I would not think about you whenever someone mentions a date. Any kind of date. Or any kind of event from the recent past. Just so that for a few days, I would think of my life as MINE and not as a reflection of the life I might have had, had you not died. A life that is valid on its own merits, rather than a life that is supposedly incomplete since you died, no matter how happy I am with my new life.

Do you think you could give me that? Just for a few days over Christmas? Or is that a harsh thing to ask on your birthday?

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