How can you miss the love you lost and still say that you are genuinely happy with the one you have now? Surely you are lying to yourself and really not 'over' it if you still sometimes feel: I wish I could talk to X about this because he/she would understand exactly what I mean? Isn't that the same as saying your new love isn't good enough? I cannot quite square missing someone with loving someone else. Surely these two things are mutually exclusive?
If I say I miss JD because she would have been perfect for a discussion on research methodology, does that mean I am saying that Fiancee is not good enough to do that with? If I say I miss JD because we used to go skiing together, am I saying Fiancee is not good enough because she doesn't ski? Or am I just saying: I miss JD because of these few things, nothing more, nothing less, it has no bearing on what I have with Fiancee? Of course I think it is the latter. After all, the reverse is true too: when I say that I love making music with my very talented Fiancee, I am not saying she is better than JD, with whom I did nothing musically. I can't conveniently say it works one way because I revel in feeling guilty, but not the other.
But what am I basing that conclusion on? Maybe other people who know more about loss and grief will say: If you are feeling like this after 3 years, then you are not ready for a new relationship. I don't know. After nearly 3 years I still have this need for other people to tell me I am doing 'it' right. (Fiancee's note: You totally are, dear.)
Maybe what I am saying is that I just feel guilty towards Fiancee every time I feel I am missing JD. As if missing JD is directly related to how much I love Fiancee.
I know that is not the case of course. I don't miss JD on a daily basis as a presence in my life. I don't miss her as my partner. To me, that would signify that I would not be ready to be with someone else. I miss JD usually at very specific times, about something very specific that we used to do, when I need to answer to a specific question about something she was good at, or when I am at a very specific place we have been. I guess I miss her as a friend, as a person.
Yet I still don't understand what place my past has in my current life. Or how to give it a place. It bugs me.
Lost and Found
1 week ago