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Why? Who? What's this blog about? It's about MEEEE!

Being a Widow

My experience of dealing with grief as a widow


About Jane's brain tumour journey: Astrocytoma.co.uk

What about our future?

29 September 2014

So yes, this happened
So Girlfriend became Fiancee and has now become Wife. Yes, I got married. 3.5 years after being widowed, I got married again. Well, I say again, but previously I had a civil partnership with JD and, much to my surprise, getting married felt very much different. I really did feel like having the weight of tradition behind us. It felt like a much more solemn occasion, which does not mean it meant more to me than when I had my civil partnership. It was just different. And I liked that it was different. Because it meant it was new for both of us, rather than Wife feeling that I had been through all of it before with another woman, we went through it together for the first time. That felt important to me and, much to her surprise, it turned out it was important to Wife as well. 

We had a lovely day, the weather was nice, there was a lot of family, even from Holland, and people had made fantastic food to share with everyone else. All in all, it was fabulous. It felt really meaningful for my sister and parents to share this day with us. They were there when JD was ill, they were there when JD and I got our civil partnership and they were there when we had to say goodbye to JD after she passed away. My sister read a lovely eulogy at JD's funeral service and so it meant a lot to me that she was willing to do a reading at the wedding. It felt right that those who were there when life was at its worst were now there to share the moment life got back to being fantastic again. Which is why I chose my friend R as Maid of Honour/Bridesmaid (or Best Bitch as we called them). R and her husband sat with me in the hospice the night JD died and got me through the first few weeks & months afterwards. It all felt right.

So back to normal life then. But not before first going to London to see the amazing Kate Bush live. It was truly mind blowing. So now it is back to university in an attempt to complete the 3rd and final year of my nursing degree.

Last night, as we were cooking dinner, Wife made a throw away comment about our retirement. She pointed out that I will retire at 68. She will be 56 by then with still 12 years of working life left before she can retire. That means I will be 80 when she retires. So the plans we have about going travelling after our retirement are probably totally impossible. There will be no joint retirement. No globetrotting. Just me being bored at home whilst Wife has to go to work.

It threw me completely. I had never thought about this consequence of the age-gap. I burst in to tears and spent the rest of the night feeling incredibly sad. This morning, the feeling still has not gone away. The only way to avoid this problem is to make enough money so we can both retire early. If anyone knows of a scheme that will enable Wife to retire at 56, please let me know. You'd be making me very happy. For now, I will just have to put my faith in weekly lottery tickets.


Anonymous said...

Or maybe put your faith in designing a future together where neither of you are depending on an employer for your income, and make retirement become a non-issue. I see enough potential there: writing, music, maybe even teaching those skills or help people develop such talents... Just a thought... ;-) Titia

Anonymous said...

Hey, just came across your blog via someone on the ywbb - am a fellow Kiwi about 3 months 'ahead' of you and just wanted to say a big congratulations on your marriage. No remarriage here yet but 3 years almost of love and commitment again. Indeed it is possible to love them both, as many of us have discovered. All the very best to you.

BunnyFactor10 said...

Hi Anonymous! Thanks for your kind comment. I really like how my life is turning out right now. I know I had to go through a lot of sadness but I have happiness now too. I don't think I am any less happy now than I would have been had JD lived. Which is a huge statement I guess but a true one. Glad to hear that you too have found a way to combine love in its different forms in to your new life. Good luck to you!

Widow Ever After said...

Congratulations! For those of us who are very early in our journey, it is heartwarming to hear about the possibility of finding love and happiness again. Thank you for sharing your stories, your life, and your new love with us. I wish you the best!

elsa chew said...

such a motivation for anyone out there going through the same obstacles. really glad i came across your blog=) your post are amazing and so much related to what i'm going through right now. kudos on your marriage ^^

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